You Found Me
by BestScentEver
Summary: Edward leaves and Bella drowns in the loss of not only him, but of her whole life. Four years after leaving Forks, Alice sees a vision of a broken and dying Bella. The Cullen's rescue her, but can they save her. Will Edward come home?
1. Chapter 1

**This story is rated M for adult themes about drugs and suicide. Please be prepared for possibly disturbing subject matter.**

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. No copyright infringement intended.**

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><p>Chapter 1 – Visions of Death<p>

_Alice POV_

"Ahhhh! I can't do this anymore!"

My teeth were clenched tight, my jaw rigid with emotional pain. My head had been filled for months with increasingly disturbing visions, in the last week something shifted; they had become crippling. I resorted to hiding in my bed, my head buried under the fluffy, goose down comforter from which I drew no actual comfort. I had isolated myself from Jasper and the rest of my family for a week, trying to hide my anguish from them, but I knew it was impossible to continue. The visions were unblockable. Something had to change, or I would lose my mind. I flipped onto my back and stared at the ceiling for one calm moment, before visions of the darkness and the broken girl flooded my brain with lightning streaks of pain. I threw the covers back and rose from my exile, finally deciding enough was enough.

A glance in the mirror over the dresser as I passed showed the toll my visions had taken on my physical appearance. My hair was sticking up all over my head, where I had grasped it tightly in my hands, trying to pull the pictures out of my brain. My eyes were pitch black, no distinction between the iris and pupil, and beneath my eyes were bruises that would take numerous feedings to dispel. My lips were pale, and they shook with emotion.

Visions of Bella consumed me. It had been four years since we left Forks and since Edward left Bella. The tragedy of their loss, the loss of my best friend, and the pain Jasper had continued to carry with him for his part in things had weighed heavily on my mind. For the longest time, I didn't see her. I had no visions of her at all. I was able to imagine her happy and moving on in her life, the absence of the danger we posed to her a relief in her soul. Then about six months ago, I began to see her again.

I slammed out of the dark bedroom into the brightness of the hallway and leaned over the railing above the great room to look down on my family gathered there. The sun, shining through the floor to ceiling windows, reflected off my skin and sent diamond sparkles throughout the room. Esme was sketching plans for a series of outbuildings that would hold a woodworking shop, a pottery studio, and a new, larger, garage. Carlisle had his nose buried in a book, and Jasper was on the couch with his elbows resting on his knees, his head in his hands. He could feel my pain so deeply and had been suffering right alongside me. I brought a hand up to my lips to block out my cry at seeing him that way. Emmett and Rosalie were absent, but I knew they would come when I called.

"Everyone! Family meeting. Now," I said in a normal voice even though I needed to scream. My body was coiled with tension, and deep breaths were not helping to calm me.

I took the stairs at a human pace, not to drag out the inevitable, but to prevent myself from breaking something in my haste. I entered the dining room, not taking time to notice the new rustic chandelier Esme and Carlisle had hung earlier that day, the deer antlers a wry statement above a table where no meals were ever served. I sat at the head of the table, staring at the striations in the polished wood. I waited impatiently for my family to arrive with my fist clenched tightly to keep from smashing Esme's favorite table into sawdust. It only took seconds for them to gather but felt like hours.

Even though Jasper wholly felt my suffering, I hadn't shared with him what I'd seen. As they came into the room, each person touched me, except Rosalie. She rarely showed affection to anyone other than Emmett. Esme kissed me softly on the cheek and brushed my hair from my eyes, frowning at the pain I was sure she saw there. Emmett patted my head, and Carlisle clasped my hand in his as he sat in the chair next to me. Jasper came up behind me to rub my shoulders gently. He projected calmness, and I felt it rolling over me. The feeling was so welcomed. I took a deep breath and let him rub my tension away.

I needed the ultimate courage to get it out. I would also need the courage to stand by the decisions that needed to be made, whether I agreed with them or not. I had promised Edward, before he left, that I wouldn't look for her future. We had _all_ promised Edward we wouldn't interfere, and I was going to ask them to break that promise. Everyone looked at me expectantly, waiting for me to tell them what I saw. They had no clue what horrendous news was coming.

Carlisle looked into my eyes, his face filled with concern. He squeezed my hand and grounded me the slightest bit more. These five people surrounding me were my family, and together we would make the right decision. I took one last bracing breath and began to explain the horror I had watched unfold in my mind.

"You all know that I have been having visions." I was glad Rosalie didn't make any sarcastic comments about me stating the obvious. "The thing is, the visions that I've been having are disturbing, and I'm not sure we can do anything to stop them."

I hesitated again, finding it hard to put what I'd seen into words. In doing so it would be like admitting it was truly happening, and I didn't want to do that.

"Alice, we can't help you if you don't tell us what you're seeing." Carlisle, as always, was right.

I continued, staring at the tiny scratches in the table and repeated myself. "I've been having these horrible visions. We need to do something fast." I waited for their reaction, and when no one said anything immediately I looked up. They were waiting for me to continue. I hadn't explained a thing. A tearless sob stuck in my throat.

"I can't watch her kill herself anymore. The drugs, the wandering… She has nothing. She doesn't eat. She doesn't sleep. She's going to die."

I pulled my hand away from Carlisle's, put my head down into my crossed arms, and began to tell them of my last disturbing premonition. Describing what I'd seen was like someone reading a comic strip out loud to a blind person, overly descriptive and stilting in cadence.

_There is no moon, and the streetlight is flickering on and off. There is a crumbling stoop, pieces of concrete litter the ground like gravel. The metal railing leading up to the doorway used to be black, but the paint is peeling; rust is showing through. The door to the building is large with one broken pane of glass, boarded up with silver duct tape and cardboard. The others are too filthy to see through. The door handle is missing, and the sagging door doesn't close properly. The building, in the worst slum outside New York City, is leaning and looks to be abandoned. The smell of garbage, unwashed bodies, and the scent of marijuana fill the air. The clouds over the city have released the rain, and the rank air is moistened by a fine drizzle. _

_She steps out of the door and slips on the gravelly stairs, catching herself on the rusted rail. She doesn't seem to notice the cut she has received, rust from the railing mingling with the rust colored blood on her palm, but holds her palm against her chest, smudging the blood across her already stained sweatshirt. Her long hair is stringy and is hanging in her dull, dead eyes. The only thing distracting away from those eyes and the bags underneath them are the cracked lips. They will bleed at the slightest touch. _

_She pulls herself up from her almost fall and stumbles down the uneven sidewalk._ _The drizzle has wet her hair. She should be freezing, but she pulls up the sleeves of her hoodie in an attempt to cool herself. As she exposes her limbs, the horrible bruises all over her arms are visible; track marks, some new and by the looks of the green and yellow shadows on her inner arms, some days old._

Esme gasped but said nothing as I continued. I couldn't look at her without losing it. My voice was monotone and without emotion. I continued relating each detail I had seen.

_An old car pulls up, and the window rolls down. The occupant calls the girl over. She hesitates, wrapping her arms tightly around her stomach, but gets close and peers into the car. "How much, Sweetheart?" The man leers at the girl as she shakes her head. I can't see what she says. The man speaks, licking his thick lips and making them disgustingly wet. "You know you want what I have, and I just want a few minutes of your time in return." The filthy man pulls a packet of white powder out of his pocket—it's heroin. The girl, already high, desperately reaches for the drugs, but he pulls it back before she can touch it. "Get in." She grabs the door handle and then changes her mind. She steps away and falls backwards over the curb onto her butt. The man gets out of the car and grabs the girl roughly under her bruised arms. He swings her around to face him in a move that puts her even more off balance, and she stumbles again almost falling. He slams her into the door of the car. _

_Her eyes flutter, half-open, and she struggles with what little strength she has against the average sized man. His hands pull open the hoodie and roughly grope at her breasts. The girl struggles harder, and barely audible words whisper from her cracked lips. _

_"A hit first-give me a hit first." _

_The man pulls her away from the car, locks the car with a beep, and heads up the stairs of the building she just left. The door swings open and slams against the outer wall. The girl winces at the bang, but limply leads him into the building. He drags her up the rotting staircase to an empty room. The rooms around them are filled with other lost people. Their faces are all blank. They are nobodies. I don't even see them._

_He lets go of her arm and pushes her into the dilapidated room, and she falls to the moldy mattress on the floor. She sits up on the edge of the bed and sets her backpack next to her leg. Tears are gathering in the girl's heavy-lidded eyes, when he sits down next to her and begins preparing the drug. He pulls a syringe out of his pocket, and the girl shakes her head. Reaching into her bag she hands him a sealed syringe. He fills it and hands it to her, kissing her neck. She shrugs him off. Her face is filled with disgust as she pulls a tourniquet from the bag at her feet. She prepares to inject herself as the guy caresses her inner thigh. She doesn't even flinch from his touch this time; she doesn't even care. She pulls the cap off the syringe with her teeth and spits it out onto the floor, cluttered with trash and filth. As the needle goes into her most recently abused vein, a tear falls off her chin onto her bruised arm. _

_She pushes the plunger in, her eyes roll back in her head, and with a small smile on her cracked lips, she whispers, "Edward. I love you," and she falls forward, the syringe still in her arm, her face hidden by her hair. The man jumps up and flips her over as she begins convulsing. He screams, "Fucking bitch!" He viciously kicks her in the back, gathers his drugs, and leaves her there to die. He smacks the door to the room next to him and yells "OD!" The occupants of the house scatter like the vermin they are, leaving the girl to die alone. _

I looked up and the room was silent. Esme looked like she could cry. Rosalie was playing with her hair, totally bored. Emmett was probably not even listening. Carlisle was the first to speak, the compassion he felt evident in his amber eyes.

"Alice, humans destroy themselves all the time. What's so different about this girl that has you so upset?"

I was incredulous. I wanted to ask them what the hell was wrong with them, and then I realized I hadn't told them who the girl was. I choked a little bit, and then in barely a whisper said, "It's Bella."

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><p><strong>xoxoxo-<strong>

**This is my first story and has taken me a year to gather enough courage to actually post. I have to say THANK YOU to Jessypt, who is my amazing beta. She is always there. She is the stick supporting my backbone. Thanks, Jess.**


	2. Chapter 2 Reality Bites

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. No copyright infringement intended.**

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><p>Chapter 2- Reality Bites<p>

_Alice POV_

All hell broke loose. Emmett slammed his fist into the wall behind him, smashing not only through the drywall, but the studs and the outer wall. Esme grabbed a hold of Carlisle, and he kept her from falling over. Rosalie sat up straighter and stopped fidgeting. Jasper grabbed my shoulders and spun me around. "Are you sure?" I was only able to nod. My soul was cracking, and I felt more despondent than ever. I let go and felt myself go limp in his arms.

Everyone turned to look at Carlisle. We all knew his decision would be the deciding factor in how we interfered, if we interfered. The room was silent for longer than it should have been. I couldn't stand it any longer.

"We have to save her. She's been lost for so long." I laid my head on Jasper's chest, his strong arms holding me tightly, and wished that I could just cry.

"We should call Charlie." That was Esme's suggestion, but before I could interject. Carlisle spoke up.

"Charlie is dead, Esme. I read about it online. He was hit by a car at a traffic stop eleven months ago." She, too, looked like she wanted to cry.

That was the catalyst that set Bella on this track. I'd rarely caught glances of Bella during her last year of school or her first years at college. For some reason I didn't have any visions of her future. I thought it was because once her future was no longer held by Edward I had no reason to see it. The only glimpse I'd had of her was of her in an ER, not the Forks ER, but a large, busy one. Her arm was in a splint. At the time, I'd laughed at the vision. Obviously Bella hadn't become graceful in the years since we'd left.

It was around the time Charlie died that my visions of Bella's came back. Just small bits at first, but they were there. I saw her the first time she tried drugs, in a dorm room with faces I didn't recognize. Her need for an escape from reality stronger than her knowledge of what drugs could do to her. I saw her as she sold her truck, not for money, but cocaine. That should have been the most heartbreaking vision, but it wasn't. The vision of her rocking back and forth crying, screaming Edward's name, begging to die was the hardest one to take. I saw her fall asleep that night just repeating the word "why?" over and over again.

I was thankfully pulled from my memories by Jasper. His analytical mind was what I needed. I needed a solution. I'd already made up my mind to go and get her, but I knew that, in truth, only Carlisle could save her. Bella needed a doctor. If we could make it to her in time, that was.

"How much time do we have to get to her?" The look of concern on Jasper's face was poignant. All this time, he had blamed himself for Edward leaving. His loss of control still haunted him. He probably saw this as a way to redeem himself.

I closed my eyes and concentrated on the vision. I scanned the surroundings for a better grasp on what day my vision was showing. The newspaper stand was on the corner, surrounded by loose papers and trash. My mind's eye squinted into the cloudy vision. It took a moment, but I saw it.

I swallowed hard and looked directly at Carlisle. My anxiety was mounting. "Today—it's today."

Our home in the mountains of New Hampshire was three hundred fifty miles away from New York City and with the sun sitting high in the sky we had only about eight hours at the most to find her.

Esme squeezed his hand; her voice was small and uncertain. "Should we call Edward?" She said this to the room, and no one said anything.

Emmett stalked out of the room. He was apparently done with the conversation. Emmett was still angry at Edward's decisions and hadn't forgiven him. I just looked down.

Rosalie chose that moment to pipe in. "He doesn't want to know. He already bit Alice's head off the last time she mentioned Bella's name. I say we just keep him out of it." I disagreed with her.

Time meant different things to each of us. Rosalie tended to live in the moment. The passage of time meant nothing to her. I marked each sunrise and sunset. I felt the passing of each day with equal measures of happiness and regret. It had been three years since that conversation with Edward had occurred, and it was about nothing of this magnitude. I thought he should be called immediately. He should know. He would want to know.

Carlisle saved me from having to disagree out loud, but had a different opinion. His decision was made, and I was relieved. "We need to get to Bella before we call Edward. We need to see what we're going to face first." He stood, ready to go. "Alice, do you know where we are going?"

I wasn't completely sure, but I had a general idea in my mind where she would be. I just nodded.

We decided Esme and Rosalie would stay behind and prepare for Bella. The surroundings of our home in New Hampshire were much like our home in Washington. The isolation of the woods kept us safe from the prying eyes of curious neighbors. Esme had a thing for architecture, and this home was beautiful.

The three-story home was a log cabin. The rich red of the wood stood out in the green forest. The large windows in the great room overlooked a beautiful flat lawn that ran up to the rocky shore of the river. The inside was a mixture of rustic pieces and antiques. The rich, red, green, and gold accents were a departure from the paleness of the color scheme of our home in Forks. Esme had a talent for making a house into a home, and our home was warm and inviting. It was smaller, too, and was by far my favorite home we had ever lived in.

Edward had never lived here, but his piano was here in a lonely corner of the living room, waiting for him; it was a sad and rather large reminder that he wasn't a part of our lives. Esme kept it tuned and spotless, but it was never played.

He visited for a short three days the first year we lived here, but it was too painful for him to be around us. Something was missing. Bella was missing, and he chose to isolate himself from us. I think he thought he was sparing us having to live with his misery. Edward truly loved Bella, and that love had changed him implicitly. He would forever mourn their relationship. I, in a way, still felt responsible for not seeing _that_ day, Bella's birthday party. If I had seen Jasper's loss of control I could have warned him. It was just as much my fault as it was his.

There was a second master suite on the first floor that we all thought of as Edward's room. His leather couch and music collection were in the room, but nothing else of a personal nature to make it his. His belongings were in packed boxes in the basement. His room was the most likely place to put Bella. The only other available rooms were on the lower level and didn't have an attached bathroom. I knew Esme would make it a lovely place for her.

I searched my mind for the outcome of the day. I was hoping for a new vision, one changed by our decision to go to her, but my mind was quiet for the first time in months. I should've been relieved, but the absence of her future didn't give me any relief. I wouldn't allow my mind to go to a place where I thought of the negative aspect of Bella's situation. I knew she'd been taking the drugs for months and how that would have affected her. Her addiction had seemed to spiral out of control quickly and knowing what she'd lost, I could imagine her mental state. It had to be fragile, but it was her physical state that worried me most.

My visions of Bella showed her in deep despair and horrible condition. I was honestly scared, and when I came down the stairs with a bag of clothes for her, I took a deep breath and braced myself for the day to come.

After a brief discussion, we decided that Carlisle and I would fly to New York. The sun was hidden behind thick clouds, so we would be safe in the remaining daylight. Jasper and Emmett would drive the Mercedes SUV that Carlisle had just purchased. If Bella was unable to fly we would have to drive her home.

We drove my car to Hanover and took a quick flight to Boston. Luckily, our layover was very short, and we were quickly on our way to JFK. Our flight was smooth and in the hour and a half that we were in the air, Carlisle filled me in on what we would possibly find when we got to Bella. It was our hope we would make it to her before she injected herself that last time, but the visions of her convulsing on the floor were becoming stronger and clearer.

"Will she survive?" My fear came through clearly in my question to Carlisle. He clasped my hand in his. A small chuckle broke through his stoic demeanor.

"You would know that better than I, Dear." I felt panic well up in my chest before he interrupted me. "You can't expect more of your powers than what they are. You know that, Alice. Searching for something you can't see does you no good."

He knew me so well and never allowed me to dwell on what I missed.

"I do know this; she's going to be in bad shape. You think it was heroin. It is very rare to overdose on heroin." The doctor in him came out, and I could see him searching his vast brain for information. "She must have been doing other drugs before hand, or the heroin had something cut into it. That's, unfortunately, quite common on the streets. It will be hard to know exactly what we are dealing with until we are in the moment. I'm hoping that I'll be able to smell the drugs on her. In the ER, that's what most often helps me with a diagnosis and in choosing the correct course of treatment."

I stayed quiet for a moment. The weight of indecision was on my shoulders. "We should call Edward."

Carlisle sighed and ran his hand down his face. He seemed to handle the pressure of the trip better than I, but truly I think he was just better at hiding it. "I'm not sure of that. Seeing Edward could make things worse. Knowing Bella, she would be mortified at being forced back into his life."

Carlisle was right, of course. Bella hadn't thought she deserved Edward and would never want him in the position of having to face her devastation. If I could see anything in my visions clearer than her devastation, I couldn't tell what it was.

Losing Charlie was the straw that broke her. I knew she would have stayed strong for him in the aftermath of their break-up, but once he was gone, Bella had no reason to keep it together. She always was a danger magnet, and you couldn't get more dangerous than walking in Brownsville at night, shooting up drugs given by an unknown man who expected sexual favors as payment. The Bella I knew was gone, and _I _was devastated by that thought.

I had a pretty clear idea of where Bella was. The street signs were visible in my vision, and I was sure I could find the door that she used. Unfortunately, when we picked up the rental car the GPS wouldn't pick up a signal. I pulled out an old map from the glove box, but I was unable to find the cross street in my panic. The more panicked I became, the more undefined my visions were. Carlisle was unable to calm me. Jasper and Emmett had the street names as well, and thankfully, found the place about ten seconds before we pulled up. The occupants of the building were filing out.

I flung myself out of the car before Carlisle had stopped it and flew up the stairs, pushing a crack whore out of my way. She fell to the ground searching for what hit her, seeing nothing with her glazed over eyes. I found the room in a fraction of a second to see Jasper flipping Bella over on her side. Emmett's large hands cradling her head in his lap.

My hand flew to my throat. Bella looked horrible. She was convulsing, her lips were blue. Her eyes rolled back in her head. Carlisle came in behind me and immediately set to work. Bella convulsed one more time. Her entire body stiffened and her head, in Emmett's lap, jerked back so hard I was afraid her neck would break, and then she went limp.

Carlisle was a blur of movement. I could hear that Bella's heart wasn't beating. Emmett set her on the ground, and he and Jasper began CPR. I was frozen in the doorway. Carlisle ripped the front of her shirt open to get to her chest, and the sight was horrifying. Bella's ribs and sternum were jutting out. She was skin and bones. She was as pale as me, and the blue veins showed through the thin surface of her skin. Edward always talked of her softness when he held her, but there was no evidence of that girl. This girl was emaciated.

Carlisle cleaned her chest with a swab of golden liquid and slammed a huge needle into her chest, directly into her heart. Epinephrine, I assumed. Bella's heart jumped and immediately began beating again. Bella jumped into a sitting position, an unearthly scream breaking free from her lips, her eyes wide but unseeing. She slumped back down onto the floor, limp but breathing. Carlisle took his time to make sure her heart would stay beating. He listened to her pulse and went to clean her face.

She was almost unrecognizable. Under her eyes were dark bruises, and her lips had begun to bleed. I was shocked that Jasper handled the blood when he was doing CPR. I knew he tasted it because there was blood below his lip from when he breathed for her. Bella's cheeks were sunken in, and she was incredibly pale. I found a bottle of water in the pocket on the outside of her backpack. Emmett propped her up, so I could give her a sip. She wouldn't swallow.

Carlisle washed her face gently and also cleaned up her arm, throwing the syringe that was stuck there across the room so hard that it stuck in the wall and vibrated back and forth, like a dart does when it hits the board. He shook his head, disbelieving, at the number of puncture points, and then nodded to Emmett while he gathered his stuff back into his medical bag. Emmett picked her up like she was a china doll; she hung limply in his arms. He wrapped her clothes around her and carried her to the SUV. I was sure she weighed no more than a piece of paper. I looked around the dismal room littered with the remnants of what I considered the dregs of society and spit on the floor in disgust as I followed them out.

Carlisle climbed in the backseat and moved all the way over. Emmett then slid Bella in, and Carlisle cradled her head on his lap. He held her gently and smoothed her hair away from her face. She pushed her head into the familiar icy contact of his hand like a cat. I crawled in the front seat and hung over the headrest looking into the back seat at the best friend I'd ever had, struggling to stay alive. She was breathing, but it was labored and shallow. We had to get her to a safe place and fast.

Jasper followed us in the car we had rented at the airport, and I was glad to see he had grabbed her backpack. I recognized it as the same one she'd carried in Forks. I remembered the last day I saw her, and the smile on her face as she'd waved goodbye. If I had known I might never see her again I would have grabbed her and never let go, but that was another vision I had missed.

The backpack wasn't full, but what was inside may be all that Bella had in the world. I briefly thought of Renee but brushed all thoughts of contacting her out of my mind. Bella was with us. She was a lost piece of our family, and I wasn't letting her out of my sight. We would fix her. An errant thought passed through my head… or we would finish the destruction she had started.

I looked at her face again; _The calm_I had no words, but Carlisle did. He continued gently brushing her hair away from her gaunt, bruised face and leaned down to kiss her forehead. "You're safe, Sweetie. We'll take care of you." Bella moaned and jerked in his arms. I was afraid she was going to begin seizing again. He rolled her to her side a half a second before she vomited on his shoes.

Emmett pulled up to hotel valet stand. I hadn't noticed where we'd traveled to, but it was obviously a very nice hotel. He and Jasper went to check us in and asked the valet to wait. When they came back to the car, Emmett let us know he'd notified the manager that Bella had the flu. I was glad he'd thought to give an excuse for her condition. Bella was unable to walk, and she looked ghastly. Jasper handed both sets of car keys to the valet and grabbed our bags out of the car. Carlisle handed Bella to Emmett, and he held her tight to his chest again. I was close enough to Bella to see the goose bumps form on her skin from the coolness of Emmett's body. She curled tighter into his chest, unconsciously moving toward the cold.

We rode the elevator up to the fourteenth floor and opened the door to a large suite with a king size bed in the bedroom. Emmett laid Bella on the bed, frowning at her appearance in the brightness of the room. The girl lying in front of us was not our Bella.

The normally smiling Emmett ran his hands through his hair and abruptly left the room, muttering under his breath. "I'm going to fuck him up."

I knew whom he was talking about. _Edward_. I couldn't find it in myself to blame him though. Edward could never have guessed this would happen to her. I overheard Carlisle on the phone, speaking with Esme. He glossed over her condition a bit, not being entirely honest about how bad Bella actually looked. I sat there just running my fingers over her abused arms. It was a shame. I got lost in the memories of the Bella in Forks and was a bit surprised when I felt Carlisle's hand on my shoulder.

"I am going to give her some medicine to counteract the drugs, as well as a sedative to keep her calm tonight. Hopefully it'll keep her from being uncomfortable when the withdrawal begins. Sleeping will help to heal her body."

I nodded and decided that once she was sedated I would clean her up. Her body and hair were unwashed, and her clothes were probably unsalvageable. I took her shoes off and tossed them in the trashcan. Carlisle came in with the syringe and gave her the medicine. She immediately fell into a more peaceful sleep. Her eyes stopped fluttering, and her legs stopped shaking.

I could hear Emmett and Jasper arguing in the living room. Emmett wanted to go find the guy who gave Bella the drugs and kill him, but Jasper logically told him that was impossible. Emmett just wanted to smash something. He then grabbed his cell phone determined to call Edward. I could hear them scuffling for purchase of the phone. Carlisle's eyes held just a touch of wry amusement at their antics and went to break it up, before they broke something.

I went into the bathroom and ran a warm bath. I was determined to clean Bella up. I needed to see if I could find _her_ underneath the grime. I stripped her bare and just shook my head. Her hipbones were painfully prevalent, and her legs were as bruised as her arms, but not from track marks. The bruises on her thighs worried me the most. There were bruises that looked exactly like fingerprints. I debated for a moment to call Carlisle in to examine her but decided against it for the moment. What was done was done.

I carried her into the luxurious bathroom and set her into the oversized tub, careful not to let her limp form slip under the water. She had to weigh less than a hundred pounds. It was hard for me to judge her weight. I washed her hair twice and scrubbed the filth from her nails. The bath water was grimy. I laid her head back on the tub and reached for a fluffy white towel. I went to lift her out, and her eyes fluttered open but fell closed again.

I carried her wrapped body into the room and laid her back on the bed. Someone had thoughtfully turned down the covers and set a hotel bathrobe on the end of the bed. I dried her body, unconsciously trying to erase the bruises, wrapped her in the bathrobe to dry, and laid her down on the pillow. I went to get my hairbrush out of my bag when she grabbed my hand. Her eyes were wide open, and her voice was rough and cracking. "Alice… don't leave me." The clutching hold on my hand was surprisingly strong.

I crawled into the bed next to her and just held her tight against me. She pressed her face into my neck, and I squeezed her closer. I decided right there that I would never leave her alone again, even if it meant going against my family.

Bella slept until morning with me by her side, and when the sun started glinting in through the windows I felt a shift in her. She had become restless, and a slight shaking had begun in her hands. She started alternately chilling and sweating. When I pulled away she grasped at my shirt and started crying. Her eyes weren't open though, and the words coming out of her mouth made no sense.

Carlisle had periodically checked on us through the night and came in when he heard the noises she was making. He examined her and then gave her another dose of the sedative.

"She's stable. I think we should go ahead and take her home. I want to be somewhere safer when she earnestly begins withdrawal."

I waited for the medicine to take effect and then pulled a baggy sweatshirt that was too big for her small frame over the tank top and leggings I had dressed her in during the night. Emmett carried her to the car, and we drove her home.

I laid my head back on the seat and tried to focus on her future. For the first time in weeks I saw nothing.

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><p><strong>xoxoxo-<strong>

**My plans are to post once a week, I just couldn't wait! Again, I owe many thanks to Jessypt for her beta help.**

**I will add another disclaimer- I'm not a doctor. Drug overdoses should be handled in a hospital. Carlisle's treatment of Bella is an outdated technique, but I chose to go with the Pulp Fiction reference for drama. **

**Follow me on Twitter at RachelMFZ**


	3. Chapter 3 Hero or Heroin

Chapter 3- Hero or Heroin

_Lost and insecure_

_you found me_

_you found me_

_Lying on the floor_

_surrounded_

_surrounded_

_Why'd you have to wait?_

_where were you?_

_where were you?_

_Just a little late._

_you found me_

_you found me_

_You Found Me- The Fray_

Lost and insecure  
>you found me<br>you found me

Lying on the floor  
>surrounded<br>surrounded

Why'd you have to wait?  
>where were you?<br>where were you?

Just a little late  
>you found me<br>you found me  
>Lost and insecure<br>you found me  
>you found me<p>

Lying on the floor  
>surrounded<br>surrounded

Why'd you have to wait?  
>where were you?<br>where were you?

Just a little late  
>you found me<br>you found me

_Bella POV_

My skin was so itchy, and it was hard to open my eyes. My mouth felt like I had been chewing on old socks, and my legs were starting to cramp.

_I needed a hit. _

I had become increasingly aware that my first thoughts each morning were of heroin and not Edward. It was a comforting thought, but then I felt the anger that just thinking his name brought me. I wanted to be done feeling anything, but if I had to feel something, then being mad was better than being consumed with sadness. I knew he wasn't responsible for my current state of being, but my anger towards him was an easy thing to focus on. If only I could always feel anger. No matter how mad I felt there was always the underlying ache in my heart for him.

I reached out, my hands shaky, and felt the soft, smooth feel of clean cotton sheets. I rolled over onto my side and hid my face in disgrace. Oh God-What new low had I stooped to? I fisted my hands over my eyes to keep from crying and searched my hazy mind for a memory of last night.

I remembered agreeing to meet Carl. I knew I had gotten very high. I curled up even tighter, trying to delay the moment of realization that I had really fucked up. Last time I woke up in an unfamiliar bed it was with Carl, and I had obviously slept with him. It was my first time. I didn't remember a thing. I guess that was a good thing. If I didn't remember I could pretend it didn't happen.

He was a nice enough guy. I met him at the Brooklyn library, and nothing about him reminded me of Edward. We bonded over drugs. I kept seeing him, because it was easy. I didn't have to be anything around him. He thought we were dating, and it was convenient to let him think that. It was convenient to date my dealer. He was the first guy I had spent any time with after I stopped being friends with Jacob.

I rolled over and tried to pry my eyes open. I could sense the sunlight, and I wasn't ready to face the day. I racked my brain for some clarity. I remembered meeting up with Carl and ending up at Rico's, a vacant building used for illicit activities – drugs, whores, and more drugs. The place gave me the creeps, but Carl had to collect some money from one of Rico's girls. The dilapidated building was just nasty, and my willingness to go there showed just how fucked up I was. The hookers and users didn't judge me, and I realized I was just the same as they were – a desperate individual just existing for my next high.

I remembered slamming heroin at least three times before Carl tried to make out with me. I had not allowed him to touch me again since the first time. Each time he would kiss me I would get visions of Edward in my head and push him away. I only wanted the heroin. Once I got my high, I didn't have to feel any more. I shook away the memory of his hands clawing at my thighs, pushing me back on the stained mattress and trying to unbutton my pants. I pissed him off by saying no and pushing him away. I shouldn't have been upset with Carl for leaving me there, but I woke up alone and very high.

That was my rock bottom. I looked at the room and saw my life – tattered, dirty, abandoned, and unwanted. I saw my death. I wanted it all to end. My only thought was that I needed more drugs; any drugs would do. I wanted a lot, and in that minute I remember wondering how I was going to get more. Carl was pissed; he probably wouldn't have given me any. I stumbled out of the room. I could smell desperation in the halls. It was mine.

I recalled falling on the rickety steps outside of the house, and even worse, the disgusting man in the white car propositioning me. I remembered the ache I'd had for the bag of heroin he'd offered. I had never gone that low before, but the need for the numbness the drugs gave me was worth more than my body and my pride. I allowed myself to be pulled back into the house, and seeing his indecision I ended up leading him to the room I had been in with Carl. He pushed me into the room and sat next to me on the bed. I cringed at the memory of his hands on my body and his wet lips on my neck, while I dug in my bag for a clean needle. He handed me the full syringe and then stood to undo his pants. I pushed the plunger on the syringe. I saw a beautiful kaleidoscope of amber and then the welcome fade to white. I don't remember anything after that.

I rolled over in the soft bed and reached out to see if I was alone. I kept my eyes closed and sent up a prayer that I was not in the bed with him.

I was pretty sure God didn't hear me anymore.

I opened my eyes a tiny bit and saw sunlight gleaming through clean windows. I saw I didn't have my jeans and shoes on and was surprised to find I was wearing clean clothes, a pink tank top and soft leggings. I heard noises coming from outside the room, but I couldn't place them. It kind of sounded like my mother humming over her work in the kitchen, another painful thought that I pushed to the back of my mind.

I tried so hard to remember how I got there, and in not concentrating on keeping quiet, a moan escaped from my cracked lips. The noise coming from my mouth made me open my eyes wide and really look at my surroundings. The room was warm. The walls were paneled in a reddish wood, and the curtains were made of a thick, red fabric. There were some paintings on the wall, but I didn't really care enough to see what they were. I sat up in the bed, and the thick gold comforter fell to my waist.

I crawled out of the bed with a groan, and my feet sunk into thick carpet. My muscles were aching, and as I stood up I doubled over in pain. I realized, in agony, I had failed in my mission. I had just wanted to die. I had used the last of my money to buy the drugs last night. Suicide by a drug overdose had seemed an easy way to go, but now that my money was gone I was totally screwed. The ache in my legs was becoming more painful. I needed a hit _badly_. I knew what was coming, and I wasn't looking forward to it.

The withdrawal was something I wasn't strong enough to deal with. I thought I might have a small bag of drugs left or at least some residue in the pocket of my backpack. If I could just find my bag and use it, I could possibly put two rational thoughts together and figure out where I was and what I was going to do next. I knew I had hard choices to make, and none of them were about continuing to live.

Trying not to make a sound, I carefully checked the doors, looking for a bathroom. I found it on the first try, and a wave of dizziness hit me. My ears were ringing, and I really needed to pee. I crossed my legs and leaned against the dresser until the wave subsided. I saw my bag on the floor against the dresser. I was so relieved to see it resting there. When I came to New York all I brought was what would fit in that bag. Everything else was at the house in Forks.

Another pain shot through my stomach – from the memories or the need for heroin, I couldn't tell which; the pain was all the same. When my dad died, I had lost all sense of who I was. He was gone, Jacob wouldn't accept that I could only be his friend, and Edward had left me. I couldn't go to my mother in that condition.

I had nothing to live for any longer.

I avoided the mirror above the dresser and in the bathroom. I didn't need to see my reflection to know what I looked like. I could only imagine, and I didn't really care. I sat on the toilet, grabbed my bag, and tossed it on the counter, digging in the pocket for the stuff I hoped I hadn't used. I found it after a frantic moment and realized I had more than enough powder to fill a syringe. I searched for my lighter to heat it and cursed Carl's name. He was always stealing my lighter.

I changed my mind, pulled out an old compact, and cut the base with a razor blade into two lines. My handy straw was in the compact where I had left it. I flipped my hair back and snorted the powder. My nose began running, and I swiped the moisture away. I didn't even wait for the first hit to take effect. I was desperate. I leaned down to snort the rest of the powder. I hated snorting. The initial head rush was almost too much. I sank down to the floor and sat back against the cool toilet, letting the euphoric feeling come over me.

My legs instantly felt better, and as I lifted the little mirror up to lick off the remaining powder the door slowly opened. I looked up and saw a woman with long blonde hair, standing over me. I smiled at her with half–lidded eyes, unable to focus on her face.

I was roughly pulled up off of the floor. My whole body felt like it was flying through the air, and I was suddenly in the bedroom. The woman was so strong, but I couldn't focus enough on her face to recognize her. The rush felt so good. My mind was turning off, and I was struggling to keep my eyes open. I was tossed hard onto the bed. My head jerked back, and I bit my tongue. Blood filled my mouth. I swallowed what I could, but I felt some running down my chin. I was so high the pain felt good. My eyes jerked open at the sound of her yelling.

"Didn't anyone think to check the crack head's bag?" I heard the door open and footsteps in the room, but I truly didn't care. I just wanted to stay there for as long as I could. My eyelids were too heavy to see her. Some part of my brain processed what she said though, and I half-heartedly disagreed.

I looked up at her. My words sounded slurred. "Not a crack head."

My head felt like it weighed a hundred pounds, and it was hard to hold up. I gave in and curled onto my side, just letting the high take its hold.

A frantic voice answered the angry one, another female. "I never even thought of it."

Another voice was there, and I felt myself being pulled into a sitting position. A hand was on my face, pulling my eyelids open. I tried to focus on the face but could only see the man's eyes. Of course they would be amber eyes. Everyone had _his _eyes. Even when I was high _he _never left me.

"How much did she take?"

The woman's angry voice was so close to my ears. "How should I know? She was licking the powder when I found her."

I licked the powder? Damn, I was getting so depraved. What would I do for my next hit? My dad's life insurance policy was all gone. My stomach cramped at the thought of my dad, and I pulled away. I curled up onto my side again, tighter this time.

The man who had _his _eyes rolled me

over and brushed the hair out of my face before speaking to me. I tried so hard to focus on his words.

"Bella, how much did you take?" He waited for a minute.

I tried to get my mouth to work, but it wouldn't.

"Bella, did you take a lot?" He pulled me back into a sitting position and supported my head to keep it from falling back.

I licked my dry lips and whispered. "Two bumps. Just two bumps." He persisted, and I flinched away from him. I felt his heavy hands on my shoulders, and the small shake he gave me forced my eyes open.

"Dude, you're killing my buzz." My voice was loud.

The noise around me was confusing. I opened my eyes and focused on the face in front of me. Instant recognition sobered me slightly, and I tumbled off the bed as I fought to get away from him, my head spinning. The rush was too much, and I saw the blackness coming around from the back of my head. With my last ounce of strength, I grabbed the front of his shirt in my hands and buried my face in his chest.

"Carlisle, you found me."

My legs folded underneath me, and the darkness pulled me under.

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><p><strong>xoxoxo<strong>

**Thanks as always to Jessypt for making my words sparkle. Please check out her amazing stories! Her story Finally They Fall made me bawl my eyes out.**

**Thank you to all who have reviewed this story. Each review is like an early Christmas present. Speaking of Christmas- I hope you and your loved ones have a beautiful day.**


	4. Chapter 4 Stubborn Girl

Chapter 4 - Stubborn Girl

_Carlisle POV_

It had only been four days, but watching as Bella struggled to make it through each minute made time move very slowly. She was shaking and crying—begging us to kill her each time we touched her, to just let her die. She writhed in pain like she was burning. The screams, from what I assumed were nightmares, made her throat raw. Every time she dreamed, she screamed Edward's name and reached for him, mistaking anyone near her for him. She begged him not to leave her. Tears rolled down her face and fell from her chin.

It was almost too much for me to take. How could the pain still be so strong? I just didn't understand. Humans had a much shorter memory and a remarkable ability to heal mentally, but it seemed Bella was hurting as much now as she had the day Edward left. With each passing day, the pain became worse. The screaming became worse.

"Edward, wait! Don't leave me! Come back! Please!" she sobbed. She begged, and her heart pounded like she'd been running after him.

It was hard not being able to do anything to help her. Shortly after we arrived in New Hampshire, in one of her rare moments of lucidity, Bella refused the opiate blocker I'd wanted to give to her to help wean her off of the drugs. She had made the decision to go cold turkey, and nothing I'd said would convince her differently. I respected her decision and did all I could to ease her through the withdrawal.

Bella vomited for days. We would clean her up in time for her to do it again. She was dehydrated, but I could only keep the IV in her for short periods of time before she ripped it out. I continued to respect her wish for no meds to combat the withdrawal symptoms but added doses of anti-nausea medicine. The medicine helped her get some much needed rest. It was a decision I had made as a doctor. I had to do what was best for her health.

Bella's moments of clarity were rare. She didn't seem to realize she was with us. She would ask where she was and who we were, but then I saw recognition in her eyes as I held her and wiped her face when she vomited. She cried and mumbled Esme's name when Esme held her close and rocked her through a particularly bad nightmare. Her confusion was very clear. Her throat was raw from crying and being sick, but she never stopped crying for us. It seemed that while she mourned Edward, she also mourned all of us, especially Alice.

Bella surprised me by the inconsistency of her reactions. One minute she was weak and crying, the next she had fits of strength that caught me off guard. She was finally sleeping peacefully, after a long afternoon of vomiting and hysterics, when she threw herself off the bed at my feet.

"Please, just give me one hit. I won't tell anyone. Just one! I'll do anything you want."

Her eyes were sunken in, and her lips were cracked. She looked up at me with pain in her eyes, and I'm sure the same was reflected in my own. I laid her back in her bed and tucked the comforter around her.

I whispered in her ear as I brushed away the hair stuck to her wet face. "Close your eyes, Bella. You're safe."

Esme, Alice, and Rosalie were standing behind me. I heard them come into the room during Bella's outburst.

Alice came over and sat next to Bella. "I'll sit with her for a while."

Esme held my hand. "Come with me. You need a break." I hadn't left Bella in days, and when I looked into Esme's face I realized I needed to step away but couldn't. Bella's legs were restless. I didn't want to leave until she was calmer.

I asked Rosalie to play the piano. The music seemed to calm Bella – until she stopped playing.

Emmett came and sat by Bella's bed shortly after Rosalie finished playing and talked softly to her. I stood back and watched with Alice by my side. It was just a short one-sided conversation with him telling her to be strong, that she would make it through, but his voice agitated her. She abruptly sat up and started yelling at him with wide unseeing eyes.

While staring at him, she screamed, "I hate you," over and over again. She yelled incoherently, but the sentences that got through clearly were virulent. She launched herself at Emmett and pounded her fists into his chest, hitting him over and over again until she was bruised. In her delusions, I think she thought he was Edward. Emmett sat there helplessly, his hands hovering around her body without touching her, and just let her get it all out. She exhausted herself and fell into his arms.

I put her back in bed once again and felt it would be better if everyone gave her some space for a while. I happened to think that her attack on Emmett was a bit cathartic. After the incident, she was calmer for longer than she had ever been.

Jasper and Emmett decided to go hunting. Rosalie and Esme were in the house but stayed away from Bella's room. Neither Alice nor I could bear to leave her side. We sat quietly, not a word passed between us. I took a chance and inserted an IV to rehydrate her and was pleased that she stayed asleep.

Hours passed, and as I sat there monitoring Bella I was unable to avoid rehashing the decisions Edward had made, not only to leave Bella but to love her in the first place. I only now understand just how much those decisions had affected all of our lives.

Bella started getting restless again. I removed the IV and took her hand in mine and squeezed it lightly. She lifted her head, turned over toward us, and looked straight at Alice. It amazed me how surprised she was when she recognized us. It was like she couldn't bring herself to believe we were truly there.

"Alice? Is it really you?

She struggled to sit up, and Alice reached to help her. She was shaking all over, and from the way she rubbed her legs, I could tell they were hurting.

Alice smiled at her and squeezed her hand again. "Yes, Bella, I'm here. Can I get you something?"

Tears pooled in her eyes, and she shook her head. She held Alice's hand, closed her eyes, and let the tears fall.

Bella tried to speak but couldn't. Alice reached over to the nightstand and handed her an unopened bottle of water. Bella's hands shook so violently she could barely hold the bottle, let alone open it. I took it from her and did it for her. She thanked me and drank half of the bottle in one gulp. I was afraid the water hitting her empty stomach would make her vomit, so I grabbed the basin and set it inconspicuously on the bed. Bella looked at it and furrowed her brows.

"How long have I been here?" she asked Alice. Her voice was scratchy and unfamiliar.

"We found you four days ago." Alice continued to hold Bella's hand in both of her small ones, rubbing it with her thumb.

"Bella, I don't understand how you got so bad." I was worried that it was too soon for Alice to bring it up, but Alice continued before I could stop her.

"You died, Bella. You died in Emmett's arms in that horrible place, and Carlisle almost couldn't save you."

Bella's face turned red with rage. She pulled her hand away from Alice and jumped up from the bed even though I knew she was weak. Her face changed expressions so quickly. She was gasping for air and trying to talk but couldn't. She put her hands on her chest; her heart was beating loudly and too fast. She fell to her knees and grabbed her head, pulling her hair.

She growled. "How could you? How could you?"

She was crying hysterically at that point and slapped Alice's hands away when she tried to help her up.

"Leave me alone! Why can't you leave me alone? You left me before and never came back! I needed you so badly, and you left me. You never saw me when I wanted you to see me! I did things hoping you would see and come to me, but you didn't!" she yelled hoarsely through her sore throat. "I wanted nothing more than to be done with this all-consuming pain and you _saved _me?"

She put her face in her hands and cried. I moved close to help her if she needed it. She didn't look over at me; she looked straight at Alice and choked on her tears. "I had finally accepted that you were gone, that _he_ was gone forever. Why couldn't you let me die?"

Alice knelt next to her, reaching out but not touching her. I could see Alice was upset by Bella's outburst. Alice's expression didn't make a difference to Bella. Her tear-stained cheeks were red with anger.

She pushed herself up, slapped Alice's outreached hands away, and ran from the bedroom, slamming the door hard against the wall. I motioned to Alice to stay, and I followed behind as Bella frantically searched for an escape. She found the door to the deck and flung it open. It was dark out, but she ran, unseeing, out on the deck and down a set of stairs to the yard. It was a cold night, close to freezing. I could see her breath in the cold air as she ran across the yard.

Our house was built in a valley near the bend of the river. The river was about fifty yards away, and she was headed in that direction. I quickly grabbed a blanket from the closet and went after her, afraid she would go into the water. I walked across the grass, my shoes crunching on the frost covered blades. Bella was barefoot.

Bella looked back at the large house lit from within but didn't see me. I stayed in the shadows while she paced close to the shoreline. She raised her head to the moon but made no sound. She bent over in pain and grabbed her chest. She crumpled to the ground, wrapping her bare arms around her knees. I knew she was cold, but it looked more like she was trying to hold herself together.

She shivered and stiffened when she heard me approach, but she just stared at the reflection of the moon on the water.

I threw the blanket over her shoulders. She pulled it tightly around her, tucking it under her feet, and buried her head in her knees.

The moon was full, and the water gently lapped against the stones on the shore. The grass was wet, but I sat next to her, gathering my thoughts. She never looked at me.

I kept my voice soft and quiet, "Alice was right to have us stop you, Bella."

She sighed and said so quietly it was only a breath. "Carlisle."

I continued. "I'm only sorry we didn't intercede sooner."

She shook her head, her words muffled by the blanket. "I wanted to die. Why didn't you let me die?" She took in another deep breath and buried her head more deeply into her knees.

"I can't go on like this." A sob stopped her. "I'm nothing anymore. I have nothing." She lifted her head to angrily swipe away the tears. "I'm so sick of crying. I've been doing it for four years-" she hesitated "-since the day he left me."

Her pain was radiating off her stooped shoulders. "You are not _nothing_, Bella, and you have us. We'll help you."

She turned her head, still resting on her knees, and looked at me.

She hesitated before asking, "Does he know I'm here?"

I shook my head. "No, but we can call him if you want us to."

She began shaking and started to panic.

"No! He can't see me like this!"

Bella started to hyperventilate. Her eyes were wide, and she couldn't catch her breath.

"Bella- calm down. Just breathe." I reached out my hand and lightly rubbed her back. "Look at me. Take a deep breath. You're okay."

Her eyes lost all focus just as she lost consciousness. I pulled her into my arms and ran for the house.

…_3 days later_

Bella's recovery wasn't going well. I was baffled by the panic attacks. It was almost as if she didn't want to get better. Even a week later she still displayed the symptoms of severe withdrawal. She wouldn't eat and barely drank. She vomited less often but still writhed with stomach pain and cramping. The continuing nightmares left her screaming and thrashing. The horror of watching her in the grip of her dreams was gut wrenching. Her delusions were also alarming. She would gain lucidity, sit up and converse with us, and then fall into a trance that would follow with her hyperventilating to the point of passing out. I had, on multiple occasions, brought up the topic of a drug that would ease her symptoms, even explaining that many new drug therapies were not addicting, but each time she'd soundly refused.

She was so stubborn. She reminded me so much of Edward. His stubbornness was unrivaled.

As I sat on the couch and researched other options for Bella, I saw Esme coming from Bella's room with a tray of food she had hoped would tempt her. She carried the untouched dishes to the kitchen and shook her head as she walked past me. I heard her cleaning up, and I called her over to me. She sat on the end of the couch and patted her legs. I put my feet up and laid my head in her lap. Her hands gently rubbed my forehead and smoothed away the tension I felt.

"She wouldn't eat anything. She wouldn't even talk to me today."

I shook my head. "Me neither. She sits in the chair staring out the window. I think the seasons could change before her eyes, and she wouldn't react. She threw a bottle at Alice."

Alice was so hurt, but even she couldn't reach Bella. "I have been trying to come up with something all day, and my research just isn't helping me find a solution to help her. If she won't take the medicine we will have to let her work it out."

"She doesn't want to be fixed. I think she truly wants to die, Carlisle."

Bella had said as much, but that was unacceptable to me. She begged me to let her die. Seeing her go through that and not being able to help was horrible. When I added the feelings of responsibility for her condition, I lost focus.

I could have stopped Edward, but I chose, instead, to support my son, right or wrong.

I knew what she needed, and although I hesitated to suggest it, in my heart I knew it was the best option. "I think I should call Edward."

Esme sighed. "I think it's the only hope. He loves her so much, and he is suffering just the same. I've always felt he made the wrong decision, and so did we, as well, for going along with it. They never had an ordinary love."

I agreed with her. Edward thought he was protecting Bella, and in some ways his leaving had. I didn't blame him for Bella's state. There was no way any of us could have ever seen it coming. I, for one, had thought Bella was stronger and expected her to get over Edward. I never expected his leaving to break her the way it had.

I went to pick up the phone, but Alice's hand on mine stopped me. "Don't call him, Carlisle. Bella can't handle it right now. She'll try to run. I see her hurting herself."

I never questioned Alice, but I shook my head as I set the phone down. "She's hurting herself now. She's been here for almost a week, and she hasn't taken one bite of food and barely enough water to keep her alive."

Rosalie had a look of disgust on her face. Her opinion of Bella hadn't changed, even after four years. She sat in the chair closest to Esme and turned her head away from us, her eyes narrowed and her mouth set in a scowl as Alice continued.

"How is she this morning? I haven't checked on her. I got a water bottle thrown at me the last time I entered the room."

Bella ignored everyone, but when it came to Alice, she violently expressed her displeasure, screaming at her to leave.

Esme answered her. "She's not doing well at all. She did get up for a while this morning and sat in the chair, but when I took some soup in to her a minute ago she was back in bed and wouldn't acknowledge me. She stared right through me like I wasn't there. Carlisle and I feel she's giving up." She shook her head slowly and let out a deep sigh. "She told Carlisle she wants to die."

Rosalie jumped up from the chair and stalked toward the door to Bella's room. "This is fucking ridiculous."

I tried to stop her, but she shrugged my hand off.

"Just let me shake her up."

I let her go and waited to see what would happen. I knew Rosalie wouldn't hurt her, and maybe Bella needed to be shaken up. I followed her, as did Alice and Esme.

Rosalie pushed the door open, and it slammed hard against the wall. I saw over her shoulder that Bella didn't even flinch.

Rosalie stood over her bed. "Are you just going to lay there?"

Bella wouldn't meet her eyes. She just stared at the wall beyond Rosalie with a blank, unblinking look on her face.

"I've had it, Little Girl." She threw the covers off a limp Bella and hauled her out of the bed. She stood her up and pulled her into the bathroom. I saw Bella struggling a bit, and I heard the shower turn on. I went back into the living room to give Bella some privacy. I had a small laugh though, when I heard the outraged, high-pitched screams coming from Bella.

Esme looked at me with wide eyes. "She must not have turned the hot water on."

The screaming continued. I could hear Bella cursing Rosalie to hell, and Rosalie cursing Bella right back. I heard things falling in the shower, and I could tell Bella was putting up a fight. I shook my head at the situation. Only time would tell if Rosalie's methods were better than what I'd come up with.

* * *

><p><strong>xoxoxo<strong>

**Thank you so much for reading! Your reviews mean so much to me. I have to thank Jessypt for her fabulous help in cleaning up my words. Thanks! **

**Many have asked when Edward will come. Don't you worry- He'll be here when Bella's ready. **

**Needless to say Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I only own the plot and a brand spanking new laptop that doesn't overheat!**


	5. Chapter 5 Cold Shower

_Chapter 5- Cold Shower_

_Bella POV_

Damn, Rosalie. I finally gave up fighting her, pushed my hair out of my eyes, and just sat there on the floor of the shower. It was either that or she was going to drown me. I was deep in my thoughts when she slammed into my room. Rosalie had not bothered to even try talking to me, not that I would have said a word to _her_ of all people.

I was shocked when she snatched me out of bed. I had no strength in my legs and had no choice but to go, when she dragged into the bathroom. I lost it when she tossed me in the shower, clothing and all, and turned on the cold water. My piercing scream echoed though the bathroom.

I surprised Rosalie by grabbing her hair and pulling her off balance. She slipped on the wet tiles and fell on top of me, right under the spray. I fought tooth and nail, as if it would have mattered; she was so much stronger than me. There was really no hope for me, but seeing her struggling to find her footing on the wet floor, dripping wet with her usually impeccable hair hanging across her face and shoulders in tangles, was worth every ounce of the fight. She stood above me with her arms akimbo, her fists clenched tight, and glared at me as I laughed at her from the floor of the shower. It was the first time I had laughed in months.

Leave it to Rosalie to be the one to amuse me.

I saw Alice come in the door with a stack of clean clothes in her arms, setting them on the vanity. Rosalie stomped out of the room, pushing past her as her right shoe squished with each step. She snarled a promise to be back. I stood up on shaky legs and turned my head away from Alice – refusing to acknowledge her presence. I stripped my wet clothes off and adjusted the temperature of the water. I felt such extreme anger toward Alice. I really couldn't even wrap my head around it.

If she hadn't _seen me_, I wouldn't be suffering right now.

I leaned my head back into the stream and let the water run through my hair, rolling my head in circles to loosen the sore muscles of my neck. It felt so good. My bones and muscles ached so much, but the water soothed the physical aches away. I leaned forward, rested my forehead against the cool tiles of the shower wall, and let the hot water massage my back. I wanted so badly to take the comfort that the Cullens were offering, but the need to protect my heart was foremost in my mind. The hole in my chest still hadn't healed. It gaped wide open, and the jagged edges oozed with the tremendous pain I was feeling at seeing them again. I allowed a memory of Edward's smiling face to break through my mental wall, and I sank back to the floor of the shower in despair.

As much as I'd tried, I couldn't recover from losing him, and I knew I never would. Edward was the missing piece of my soul with his absence from my life; I was a shell of nothing.

I heard a noise in the bathroom and knew that Rosalie was back. Her snarling voice told me clearly how mad she was.

"Get out of the shower, Bella, and get dressed. You have ten minutes to show your face in the kitchen, or I will drag your ass out of this room and make you regret crossing me."

For some reason I giggled again. Why her anger was reaching me where the others' compassion hadn't I really couldn't say. I guess it seemed more real to me.

I washed my hair twice, turned the shower off and dried myself with a giant, fluffy, white towel. My skin was so dry and itchy. I needed lotion. I found a small bottle of Bath & Body Works lotion, Warm Vanilla Sugar, in the medicine cabinet. It soaked into my dry skin, and I felt better instantly. I smelled good enough to eat, as usual. I put on the clothes Alice had left for me, thankful that it was just jeans and a long sleeve t-shirt. The clothes were too big for me, and the jeans hung low on my hipbones. I pulled them up and rolled the waistband to get them to stay on.

The room was misty from the steam of the shower, and the mirror was all fogged up. I wiped it clean with the towel. I was shocked at my refection. I had avoided mirrors for so long. The drastic toll the drugs had taken on my appearance was hard to look at. The bones in my shoulder and sternum protruded horribly. I was so thin; no wonder the clothes were too big. Alice knew my size as well as she knew hers. I was guessing she bought the clothes before she saw me and really had no clue how small I had become. My dark eyes looked huge in my gaunt face, and the bruises underneath them were dark. My cheekbones were the most prominent feature on my face.

I was hideous.

The errant thought of drugs set my hands to shaking, and a craving hit me so hard I had to brace my body against the vanity to keep from falling. I couldn't breathe. The more I tried the harder it became. I couldn't stop it, and the feeling was terrifying.

As the panic rose higher and higher, I burst out of the bathroom and stumbled into the main room of the house. Carlisle was in a chair facing away from me, reading in front of the fireplace. He turned at what I'm sure was the sound of my loud gasping and was at my side in less than the blink of an eye.

He grabbed my hands away from my throat and spoke in a low, calm voice. "Bella…breathe…just look at me and take a deep breath." It was no use; I could feel the darkness coming. I looked up at him with bewilderment, my knees went weak, and I couldn't stop the panic.

I looked into his liquid gold eyes, trying to find the calm I needed. His amber eyes were so like Edward's, and as the darkness blinded me, his face changed into the one I missed the most.

…

I came to, staring at the high, beamed ceiling and looked around in a surprise. I started to remember why I hyperventilated and brushed the thoughts away. I couldn't let the lure of drugs pull me under again. I shook my head to clear it and saw Esme sitting in the chair nearest my head. She reached over and pushed my hair out of my eyes, tucking it behind my ear. Tears sprung to my eyes, and she came over and gathered me into her arms. I let go and held her as tight as I could, sobbing into her neck. I couldn't form a coherent thought, but I realized how much I needed her comfort, how much I wanted it.

She held me for the longest time and just whispered soft words in my ear. As the crying wore down, I let out little hiccups – the kind a child coming out a tantrum has. Esme shifted my position and sat next to me on the couch, her arm around my shoulder: I leaned my head onto her shoulder. Her hair was soft against my skin, and the familiar scent that surrounded her brought back so many memories.

"Oh, Bella, my sweet darling, we are here for you." She continued rubbing my head and back, and in that moment I missed my mother so badly.

I let out another sob and tried to speak. "I can't do this."

I'm not sure how clear that came out between my tears and hiccups, but I felt the couch dip as Carlisle sat on my other side. I saw them meet each other's eyes and then saw Carlisle nod at Esme's unspoken question. He held my hand in his cold ones.

"Bella, I know what you're feeling is painful and hard to manage, but I can help you. You don't have to do this on your own."

I slumped down into the couch. In my short time around drugs, I saw just as many people addicted to the very pills that were supposed to cure their addiction as to the drugs themselves. I didn't want to be an addict anymore. I wanted to be fine.

I wanted to be the Bella I was four years.

I wanted it all to be a nightmare.

I wanted to wake up next to Edward.

I wanted to make my dad pancakes for breakfast.

I wanted to be whole again, for my heart to be in one piece instead of the shattered mess that was filling my chest.

"Will you let me?" Carlisle asked.

I didn't even hesitate. At that point I was so weak, and I saw no other way. I nodded, and even though I avoided his eyes, I turned toward him as he spoke.

"I need you to try and eat something. You have not eaten anything since you came here, and I don't want to have to put an IV in to nourish you. Esme made some soup for you. "

I didn't want an IV either. I hated needles. I didn't feel hungry for food, though; other cravings were more present, but I knew my body was in need of sustenance. I thought the weakness I felt was because of the withdrawal, but I couldn't even remember the last time I ate a meal. Esme let go of me and went into the kitchen to warm up some food.

"I am going to give you a pill to help with the withdrawal." I shook my head. I really didn't want to rely on more drugs to get off of drugs, but Carlisle jumped in before I could say anything.

"You've had numerous panic attacks in these last few days; Clonidine is a medicine used to treat anxiety. It will help with the other uncomfortable symptoms you're experiencing, as well. Try it for a few doses and see how you feel."

The damn tears fell again. I hated feeling so weak.

Esme brought me a tray with a steaming bowl of chicken and rice soup, and I swiped the tears off my cheeks. It was my Gran's recipe. I remembered making the same soup at their house in Forks, and the memory of that wonderful summer spent with Edward as one of his family made my stomach clench. I shook away the memories and picked up my spoon. The food smelled divine, but I gagged at the thought of putting it in my mouth.

Carlisle must have seen my gag. "You need to eat." His voice was serious. I knew if I didn't take at least a small portion, I'd have an IV in my arm before I could sneeze.

I was so self-conscious with them standing over me, watching and waiting. My hands were shaking, but I managed to take a bite. The soup was heavenly. I closed my eyes, savoring the flavor, and felt it go smoothly down my throat.

"It tastes good."

They both look relieved that I was trying to eat. I took another couple of bites and felt my eyelids getting heavy. I didn't want to fall asleep in my bowl. I started to get up to take the tray into the kitchen, but Esme took it from me.

"I'll take care of that, Bella."

I thanked her and then sat there, not knowing if I should go back to my room or stay there on the couch. The quiet was unnerving, and I felt so awkward. I wished Carlisle would talk to me. My legs started bouncing, and the tension in my neck was growing, causing me to fidget even more. I lifted my head up, and my eyes met Carlisle's.

Suddenly, he stood over me with his hand out offering me a pill—damn his vampire speed! I was still not entirely sure I wanted to go down that path, and I knew he was aware of that. I couldn't stop fidgeting. I felt like spiders were crawling up my back, and I arched away from the prickly feeling.

I went to stand up, but his words stopped me.

"This pill will help you, Bella. I understand your feelings about not taking it, but allowing the medicine to help you does not make you weak. The best thing you can do is help your body heal. This will lessen the symptoms you're feeling and help you achieve that."

I reached for the pill and grabbed my bottle of water from the side table before I could change my mind. I swallowed a few gulps before I finally tossed the pill to the back of my throat and washed it down with the water. My throat was dry, and the pill felt like it was stuck. I choked and coughed until Carlisle gently smacked my back. I sat back hard on the couch and let my head fall onto the back of the soft cushion with a sigh.

Carlisle, satisfied that I swallowed the pill, went and sat back down in his chair and resumed reading like I was a regular guest. I could hear Esme humming in the kitchen and was a little weirded out by the fact that they weren't talking to me, not asking me questions. It just seemed so normal.

I sat there almost in a daze, watching them go about their evening like I wasn't sitting there on the couch. I started seeing things I didn't understand. Colors were swirling around me, and I tried to shake them away. I was shivering from the cold feeling that surrounded me; maybe there was a draft somewhere. The air swirled around me and all of a sudden, I felt my body floating up, like an out of body experience.

From above, I saw the room and all the occupants, including myself, asleep on the couch. Carlisle and Esme were sitting in the chair, their heads together. I didn't remember the others coming into the room, but they were there, too. Alice and Rosalie were laughing at something Emmett was saying, but I couldn't hear, and Jasper was across the room. I saw him staring at my body just laying there with my eyes closed on the couch. He had a look that reminded me of the horrors of my eighteenth birthday party. I saw him run, a streak across the room, and jump on top of me. He bit my neck, and I heard the screams ripping from my throat. I was trying to push him off, but my hands fell, and my body went limp. I saw him look up with my blood on his lips.

The rest of the Cullens were laughing.

**XOXOXO**

**Thanks again to Jessypt! Even with the busyness of Christmas and New Years she still managed to make time for me. **

**I hope you all had a wonderful New Year! I know I did! I partied hard on the couch with sparkling grape juice, the most awesome husband, and the 2/3 of my children that could hang til midnight! **

**As you all know- Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. I own this poor damaged version of Bella and the plot of this story.**

**Above, I referenced a drug called Clonidine. It is indeed used in cases like Bella's. It has many uses, but also many side effects. I know this because Google told me, not because I am a trained medical professional.**

**And last but not least- Thank you so much for all your reviews! They are wonderful! I plan on responding to all of them this week! Many have asked about Edward. I have a plan for dear Edward, it will just be a little bit. I need to get Bella into the right frame of mind to be able to deal with Edward.**


	6. Chapter 6 Attack

**Hi- I wanted to post this chapter today instead of making you wait until Tuesday! Thank you so much for all the story alerts and reviews. It makes me happy knowing you like my story. This one is a bit short. See you Tuesday!**

Chapter 6- Attack

_Alice POV_

I was so saddened by the fact that Bella wouldn't speak to me. She wouldn't even allow me to explain how much I hadn't wanted to leave her, and how much I'd missed her. Every day I saw how much she'd changed. Physically, Bella was almost unrecognizable. Mentally, she was barely functioning. She was a shell of the Bella I once knew.

Jasper was sitting next to me rubbing my leg, comforting me, while we watched Titanic. What a poor choice of entertainment under these circumstances. I felt like I was living in a tragic love story. The ending hit me hard, and right before Jack died, I shook my head and jumped to my feet, determined. I had to talk to Bella.

Esme and Carlisle were relaxing in the great room, and I saw Bella curled up on her side on the couch. I arched a brow at Carlisle questioningly.

"She finally agreed to take the medicine. She curled up like a little cat and fell asleep." He answered.

She looked so peaceful, and I was relieved. It had been hell listening to her scream in her sleep, and after the first time I woke her up and got a water bottle thrown at my head, I hadn't tried to do that again.

"Did she eat anything?" I asked.

"She ate a little bit of the soup I made for her. Hopefully she will eat some more when she wakes up," Esme said as she rose to her feet. "Can you sit with her? I need to hunt."

I nodded my head. I was more than happy to sit with her.

Esme turned to Carlisle. "Let's go. You need to hunt, too. It would do you good to step away and gain some perspective. We'll be quick and won't go far."

I wished them luck with their hunt and went to grab a blanket out of the closet. Right on top of the pile of linens was the blue afghan that Esme had crocheted for Bella. She had almost finished when we left Forks. I remembered the reason Esme started making it. We would watch Bella shivering on the couch next to Edward but not wanting to move away from him. Being close to him was more important than being warm. I laid the beautiful blanket over her sleeping form, and she snuggled deeper into it.

I brushed Bella's hair away from her face. It was so long. I don't think she'd had her hair trimmed since the last time I cut it before prom. I hoped she would let me trim it, because it desperately needed it. I'd missed her so much and wanted to pull her into my arms and just hug her. I settled for lightly sweeping my fingers down her cheek. As I touched her, she swallowed and pursed her lips like a sleeping baby. She looked so young.

Jasper came up behind me, his head on my shoulder looking down at Bella. He wrapped his arms around me. "How would you like to beat me in a game of chess?"

I turned my head, smiled at him, and pulled him toward the game board. "Okay, I'm game."

"No cheating, Pixie." I laughed at him. I couldn't help what I saw even if I honestly didn't try to see what moves he would make. I could never control what I saw.

We were about a half hour into our game when I noticed Bella getting very restless and talking in her sleep. It was incoherent, but I could tell she was having another nightmare by the whimpers that escaped her. I went over to the stereo and put in a CD of piano music. The music seemed to calm her last time when Rosalie had played for her, and I hoped it would have the same effect today. As the strains of the piano trickled lightly through the room, Bella visibly calmed; but her head was in an awkward position, and I was afraid that she would have a sore neck when she woke up.

I looked over at Jasper."I am going to go and straighten her room up. I think she will be more comfortable in her own bed. Give me a minute or two, and then will you carry her in?"

Jasper agreed, and I headed into her room. I changed the sheets and smoothed the blankets. As I was putting fresh towels in the bathroom, I heard an earth-shattering scream coming from Bella. I ran into the great room and was shocked to see Bella wrapped around Jasper, one hand pulling at his hair, the other beating him in the face. He reached up to pull her off, but she was holding his hair tightly and screaming. I went to help Jasper, and she growled at me low in her chest, like an animal.

I must have yelled for help as a reflex, because Emmett and Rosalie came running down the stairs before I could form an actual thought to call for them. With Bella attached to him like an octopus, Jasper turned to them, a look of helplessness on his face. It was too crazy in the moment, but I was sure that I would be laughing later, not only at Bella attacking Jasper, but also the look of befuddlement on his face.

Jasper glared at Emmett. Bella hadn't eased up a bit and was still punching away at his face and shoulders. "Are you going to help me?"

Emmett, as usual, found this so amusing; he couldn't stop himself from laughing. When he pulled himself together, he gently spoke to Bella in a soothing tone and rubbed her back. Bella relaxed at the sound of his voice and at his touch. He was able to pry her hand out of Jasper's hair without making him bald. Jasper could have easily thrown Bella across the room, but he, I was sure, didn't want to hurt her. Emmett continued to rub her back and shoulders, and she finally relaxed. He pulled her limp body completely off Jasper and sat on the couch cradling her. She looked so tiny and broken in his arms.

I was standing out of Bella's eyesight so she didn't freak out. She was staring straight ahead but not seeing anything it seemed.

I whispered to Rosalie, who was standing next to me, "I don't understand. Why would she attack Jasper like that? I was sure she was asleep. She looked completely knocked out. He was just going to carry her into her room. "

Rosalie shrugged her shoulders. "Maybe she woke up and saw him standing over her? Unfortunately, she has a valid reason to be afraid of him."

I knew that was true, but to attack him like that baffled me. "I am going to call Carlisle."

Rosalie sat next to Emmett. Bella was sound asleep again. It seemed to me that even though Bella had been drug free for a week, she was still deep in the grips of withdrawal. I was afraid we were not making the right decision by keeping her with us. Carlisle was a great doctor, but he had no training in the field of drug rehabilitation. I thought Bella should be in a hospital where she could get the right treatment. On the other hand, I wanted her to stay with us and be safe. We would keep her safe.

I called Carlisle.

He answered on the first ring. "Hello. Alice?"

"Hi, I am so sorry to bother you."

"You know it is no bother. Is there a problem?" I explained to him what happened with Bella and Jasper.

"Was Bella saying something that you could understand when she was dreaming?"

"No, but when she was on Jasper, it was like she was possessed."

"Hmmm." I could tell that he was trying to work it out in his brain. "It almost sounds like she's hallucinating. I know that is a rare side effect of the Clonidine, but on the other hand, she has already been having nightmares and delusions. Is she okay right now?"

"Emmett has her right now, and she's asleep."

"That's good. Sleep really is the best medicine for her right now. We won't go far tonight, and I will check on her when I get home."

I expressed my thoughts to him about whether or not she should be in a hospital program to him.

He let out a long breath. "Alice, at this point, I'm afraid of what she will say about us. I'm not worried about our secret. I'm worried they'll think she's crazy and lock her up. I think we should just give it time."

I agreed with him. I knew before I even asked. I just wanted to do everything I could to help her. "I'll see you when you get back. Don't worry about anything here. We can deal with her."

"Okay. And Alice, please don't hesitate to call me if you need me."

"I won't." I hung up the phone and saw that Jasper had left the room. Bella's presence had been hard on him. Not because he was afraid of losing control, but because the guilt he felt was oppressive. He had learned to control his instincts, and he was much stronger because of that incident. It was almost like Bella's birthday had cured him of his need for human blood.

Emmett was still holding Bella when I came back in the room, and she had goose bumps on her arms from the close proximity of his cold body. I suggested he put her to bed. I helped him get her settled, watching her cuddle down into the cool cotton sheets with a soft sigh.

I found Jasper in our room, lounging on our bed, reading. I stretched out next to him, and he opened his arms so that I could lie on his chest.

"I'm sorry."

He shook his head, but I could see he was bothered by her reaction.

"Carlisle thinks she may have been hallucinating," I explained.

He shrugged his shoulders and sighed. "She has every right to be afraid of me, hallucinating or not."

"I don't know why she's having such a hard time. I thought she was stronger than this."

He put his book down and tilted my face up to look into his eyes. "She is strong, Alice, but we have no idea what her life has been like for the last four years. The Bella we knew was different then. She was a child with no real worries in her life. She's had to deal with a lot of sad things, and I'm sure she had to change to survive them… the loss of Edward, and you, and then losing Charlie so traumatically. Those are hard things for someone as young as Bella to deal with."

I understood that. "But why won't she talk to me? Why is she so angry with me?"

"I don't know, Sweetheart. It could be that she blames me or even both of us for Edward leaving – me, because I lost control and tried to kill her, and you, because you didn't see it happening. I don't know. I'm sure she'll talk to you soon.

"Withdrawal is a horrible thing to go through, and you've seen her; her physical health is not good. The combination of that and the withdrawal is very dangerous. It may be a while before she can function on any level."

"Do you think we should leave? We could go on a trip, Europe or Alaska? Maybe if we weren't here, she wouldn't be so apprehensive, and she would heal more quickly?" I suggested.

He shook his head. "I'm afraid that may backfire, and she would see that as us abandoning her again. The best thing we can do is just be there for her when she's ready to talk." He kissed my lips softly, scooted down to my level, and put his forehead against mine. "She'll forgive you. She'll forgive us all."

I sighed and relaxed against him. "I hope so."

**XOXOXO**

**So there it is.**

**Thanks to Jessypt who sent this back faster than I ever expected and seriously deleted at least 50 "thats". What can I say? I write like I talk and I don't talk so goodly. ;)**

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own a brand new bottle of Peppermint Mocha cream for my coffee and a lonely 4 year old who wants lunch at 9:30 am.**

**Your reviews keep me motivated and I vow to keep up with responses. **


	7. Chapter 7 A Little Bit Stronger

**3 Chapters in one week! Please don't expect me to do that often. I know many of you are missing Edward. I am, too and I am anxious for him to get here!**

* * *

><p><em>Chapter 7- A Little Bit Stronger<em>

_Woke up late today and I still felt the sting of the pain_

_But I brushed my teeth anyway_

_I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face_

_I got a little bit stronger_

_-Sara Evans_

_Bella POV_

You know that feeling you get when you dream that you're falling, and just before you hit the ground, your body jerks and you wake up? Well, that was what I'd just experienced, but my body actually felt like it hit the ground—hard. I was so sore everywhere. I didn't remember coming to bed. I remembered my dream though, and I shuddered at the memory. It was so real.

I looked at the clock; it was almost noon. I'd slept for 15 hours. I guessed that's why I was so sore. Even with the soreness, I felt remarkably better. When I got up and went into the bathroom, my stomach started growling. A glance in the mirror revealed a tornado of hair around my head; I kind of looked like I'd had rats playing in my hair. I smoothed it out with the hairbrush that was now on my vanity. I smiled.

Esme was the consummate hostess. A new decorative mirrored plate was on my vanity and it held a wooden handled hairbrush, a mirror, a selection of soaps and lotions, and a brand new toothbrush sitting next to a tube of toothpaste. There was even a razor. I brushed my hair and teeth, and washed my face, making myself at least feel, if not look, a bit more presentable.

I was a bit scared to face anyone, but I decided to go and find something to eat before I got dressed. I longed for a hot cup of coffee and could almost taste it in my mouth. I wasn't sure if Esme had a coffeepot, but knowing her, she did, and it was probably top of the line. I peeked my head out the door, and I didn't see or hear anyone. I took a really good look at the house as I walked through and was struck by the vast differences in this house from the one in Washington. It was quite large, but much cozier. I could tell it was a log cabin by the exposed logs on the inner walls. The great room was very large and open. The floor to ceiling windows looked out over the expansive yard to the river in the distance. A stone mantle surrounded a beautiful wood-burning fireplace that had family pictures displayed on it. I couldn't bring myself to take a closer look at the photos even though I wanted to so badly.

Edward's piano was in the corner, and the sun glinted off its top. I began to picture him sitting at it and quickly slammed the door on that thought. I looked out one of the windows and saw Esme digging in her flowerbeds. Her gardens were always so beautiful and the beds surrounding the house were no exception. She glanced up at me, and I waved timidly at her.

I walked into the kitchen, and I knew that she would join me momentarily. The kitchen was small but had a wrap-around counter that opened to the great room. I opened a cabinet near the sink and found a glass. I filled it with water and chugged it down. Upon hearing Esme enter the house, I felt shy as I realized it was the first time I'd been alone with her. She came in the kitchen and immediately put me at ease with her welcoming smile.

"Hi, Sweetie. How are you this morning?" She looked over at me expectantly. I couldn't meet her eyes.

I swallowed hard and bit my lip. I nervously picked at my nails. "I'm okay."

"Can I make you some lunch?" My stomach growled just thinking about food, and she chuckled, "I will take that as a yes."

"Actually, I am dying for a cup of coffee."

"That I can do. Which would you prefer regular or a cappuccino?"

I was afraid she wouldn't have coffee, and she offered me a cappuccino. "Regular is fine. Thank you." I smiled at her in thanks.

She set to making me some coffee, and I remembered the times that we had done this before – me watching her make me something to eat, and her moving smoothly around the kitchen like it was a habit when it actually wasn't. I choked a little, trying to stop the damn tears that threatened to fall.

She turned to look at me and reached across the counter for my hand when she saw my glistening eyes. "Oh, Bella, what it is? You can talk to me. You know that, right?"

A tear escaped, and I quickly wiped it away. I held her hands and gave her a wide smile. "I've missed you so much."

She came around the counter and pulled me close to her, enveloping me in a hug. "I missed you too."

We were holding tight to one another when Carlisle came into the room. I pulled away from Esme and gave him a small smile as I climbed up onto the stool. I picked at my nails as Esme made me a cup of coffee. She set a mug in front of me along with a small cut glass creamer and sugar set. I picked the hot mug up and took in the rich scent; it smelled so heavenly. I wanted to disregard the fact that it would burn me and just chug it down. Carlisle sat on the stool next to me while I added the cream and sugar and sipped the delicious brew.

"How are you feeling today?" he asked me casually.

I glanced over at him. I thought about that for a moment and took another sip. I didn't know exactly how to answer, so I just went with the truth.

"I guess I feel better. I don't remember going to bed."

I noticed the look that passed between Carlisle and Esme but didn't really know how to interpret it, so I didn't even try. I kept my eyes down.

"My legs and back really hurt, and I am so tired," I continued.

Carlisle nodded. "That is to be expected. I'm glad to see you up and around, though."

I started to smell bacon cooking, and I looked over, surprised that Esme was making me an omelet – bacon, cheese and onions. Oh my God, it smelled so good. My mouth was watering.

Carlisle turned his stool toward me. "Bella, can I ask you a question?"

I sat up and felt my shoulders go stiff. I wasn't really sure I was ready for what I knew was coming and felt a small bit of panic creep into my chest.

Esme slid the omelet onto a plate and added chunks of cantaloupe to it. I was touched that she remembered my favorite breakfast. She poured a tall glass of orange juice and set the feast in front of me next to a green cloth napkin with a silver fork and knife resting in a neat little pocket. I took a drink of the orange juice. Yum. Fresh squeezed.

I turned to Carlisle and nodded my ascent to his question while bracing myself.

He looked straight at me and asked his question with no hesitation. "What kind of drugs have you been taking?"

I gasped as the thought of drugs sent a shiver of want up my spine.

_Way to get right to the point, Carlisle,_ I thought.

I picked the fork up and hesitated over my food before setting the fork down again. I swallowed hard and fought to keep from walking – _no, running_ – away. I couldn't meet his or Esme's eyes. I was so embarrassed, and I think Carlisle realized that.

He put his hand on my shoulder. "Bella, you have nothing to be ashamed about. I only want to know so I can help you. If I know what you were taking, then I can form a better treatment plan to help you."

I nodded, and in my smallest voice, I admitted my vices. "Cocaine, marijuana, and lately, heroin; I took a lot of heroin."

I saw Carlisle assessing the news, but I didn't get the feeling he was judging me. In fact, I felt like he had removed himself from the situation and was acting as a doctor and not my almost father.

I still couldn't look up, but I did pick up my silverware and cut into the eggs. The melted cheese oozed out, and the string of gooey cheddar followed my fork up to my mouth. I took a small bite of the omelet. It was absolutely delicious. I closed my eyes to savor the taste. Edward used to make me ome—I dropped my fork at that thought. It hit the plate with a loud clatter. I wrapped my arms around my stomach and hunched over in pain.

Esme was at my side in a moment, a look of worry on her face.

"Are you okay?"

I nodded my head and got up from the stool. I couldn't explain myself. I started to move toward my room when Carlisle's voice stopped me.

I was taken aback by how firm his normally soft-spoken voice had become. "Bella, come back here. You have to eat. One bite of eggs isn't going to make you strong enough to heal."

I turned to look at him and he continued. "Your physical health is most important right now. You need to gain some strength."

I knew he was right; I did feel weak. I went back to my stool and mechanically ate almost all of the omelet and the fruit. Carlisle didn't ask me any more questions, and the normalcy of him reading the newspaper next to me as I ate actually calmed my nerves. I stood up to leave and thanked Esme as she took the dishes away.

"I'm going to take a shower, and then maybe I'll lie back down." My hands were shaking so hard, and I suddenly felt very hot. Carlisle noticed my hands and handed me a pill.

"That is the same pill I gave you last night, but a slightly smaller dose. The dose I gave you last night seemed to have been too strong. It may take a couple of days to find the correct dosage. I would prefer if you took an opiate blocker, but the Clonidine should continue to help with your symptoms."

I nodded and washed the pill down with the last of my orange juice, rinsed my glass, and filled it with water to take to my room. Carlisle watched me carefully as I moved to leave, and I could feel the nerves creeping up again.

A thought came to my mind, and I turned to look at him. "Where is everyone else?" I was worried that they resented my being here and had left to avoid having to be around me.

"Alice and Jasper are hunting, I believe, and Emmett and Rosalie are in the family room. Last I saw, Rosalie was beating Emmett's socks at off Wii bowling." He smiled.

I returned the smile even though I had no clue what Wii bowling was. I remembered how competitive they could be when they played games.

"I know Emmett would really like to see you," Carlisle mentioned.

I noticed he didn't include Rosalie. I guess nothing had changed. I should've been well used to the feeling, but it hurt as much as it always did. I was really excited, all of a sudden, to see Emmett. No matter what was happening at any given moment, he could make me smile, and with the nagging darkness I felt in my soul pulling me down, I needed a smile.

I started the bath and watched my reflection in the rapidly fogging mirror as the swirls of steam filled the bathroom. I wanted to lose myself in the mist. I stepped into the bath and relaxed in the hot water until it began to cool. As I felt the pill taking effect, my eyelids got heavy. I closed my eyes for just a moment. And unconsciously went to that place where the nightmares usually took hold. That time it wasn't a nightmare waiting for me.

It was a happy memory of me and Edward the summer before he left. We were sitting on a blanket, on the shore of the river, just out of sight of the house. I was resting my head on his stomach, reading a book while he stroked my hair. The air was humid, and steam rose from the grass surrounding us. I could smell the fresh air. I reached my hand out to stroke the soft grass, but it wasn't the grass I felt. I looked at my hand; it was covered in bugs.

There were millions of black bugs surrounding the blanket, covering the grass. I pulled my hand back and jerked into a sitting position splashing water over the edge of the tub. I was breathing hard and almost fell backwards into the water before catching myself. I closed my eyes and gave my head a shake to clear it.

When I opened my eyes, I took a deep breath and reminded myself it was just a dream. I was feeling so confused, and my head was fuzzy. I wrapped up in a bathrobe that was hanging behind the door, and as I stepped from the tile onto the carpet in my bedroom, I felt the cracking of the bugs I was smashing with each step. I ran across the floor killing thousands of bugs as I went and dove for my bed. I threw the covers over my head, scared out of my mind, and then quickly pulled them off and opened my mouth to call for Carlisle and Esme.

Before I made a sound, I glanced down at the carpet and saw that nothing was on the floor. My heart was beating so fast. I took a few deep breaths and realized that I had just imagined the bugs. I got out of bed and searched the room. I found no evidence of anything out of place.

I laughed at how silly I was and then stopped and frowned at my reflection in the mirror. I put my hands in my hair and pulled it away from my face.

"Ahhhh! I am going crazy!"

I pulled the curtains closed as much as I could to block out the late afternoon sun and yawned. I climbed into the gigantic, fluffy bed and closed my eyes as my head hit the pillow. My last thought as I drifted off was that the medicine was making me hallucinate.

I woke up later that evening to the sound of raindrops hitting the window. I felt very groggy and almost burst into tears. I looked up at the ceiling and blinked the tears away. I was trying so hard not to be sad, but sadness was the mantle that I had been carrying on my shoulders for so long. It was familiar, sadness and loss. I yearned for something to look forward to. I shook off the grogginess, blew out a loud breath, and resolved not to sink to under the weight of the depression.

I swung my legs over the bed and pulled them back suddenly, remembering the visions of bugs I had before I went to sleep. The delusions must have been from the pills. That was the only logical explanation. I knew I should tell Carlisle, but the pills seemed to be helping abate the cravings, and if it took seeing some crazy shit to feel better, I was more than willing to deal with it.

I gingerly crawled out of bed and opened the closet to find some clothes to wear. I smiled despite my dismal mood. I could tell Alice had been here that morning. Her hunting trip must have been to a mall. There was a whole rack of clothes, where before there were only about three shirts and two pairs of pants. I found skirts, pants, and blouses; you name it, and it was there. There was even a floor length, ice blue, satin dress. I had no clue what occasion Alice was preparing me for.

There were also about fifteen pairs of shoes on the floor. The shoes that caught my eye were a pair of blue sparkly Converse low tops. I grabbed them up and hugged them to my chest. I loved them instantly. It had been a long time since I had felt pleasure from something besides drugs. I set the shoes aside because I definitely was wearing them today and maybe every day until they fell apart.

I checked the dresser and sure enough, it was filled with undergarments of all kinds – sexy, lace sets and plain, cotton sets, along with a drawer full of pajamas that looked so comfortable. I internally debated whether or not I should just find a pair to wear and be comfortable. I decided against it and hoped that by getting dressed in actual clothes I would distract everyone enough with how I looked to hide how out of control I felt.

I went back to the closet and stood there for a minute, pondering my choices. I pulled out a bright yellow, long-sleeved t-shirt and a pair of jeans that ended up fitting me perfectly. I went with the cotton underwear, and I put on the cute blue shoes. I was so in love with all of the new things. Alice was a wonder.

I was nervous to face everyone, but I was the most nervous to face her. I didn't remember much about my first days here, but I did remember throwing something at her. I wanted to be strong enough to explain why I was so angry with her. I wanted her to know how much her abandonment hurt. Her leaving and not saying goodbye was the worst kind of betrayal. I knew I should still be angry, but as I pulled my hair up in a ponytail, I decided that if I was going to find any happiness in my circumstances, I needed to forgive her.

If I couldn't have Edward, at least I could have his family.

The thought of just his name sent a wave of blackness to my mind, and I sat down on the toilet to catch my breath. The worst part about being with the Cullens was the uncontrollable thoughts of Edward that crept into my brain when I'd worked so hard to wipe him away. It was bad enough that I dreamed of him every time I closed my eyes. I took a couple of deep breaths and resigned myself to letting go and reacquainting myself with my lost family. I also wanted to figure out what this Wii bowling thing that Emmett and Rosalie were playing was all about.

I left my little sanctuary, trying to be as quiet as possible. No one was about in the great room or the kitchen, but there was a tall pitcher of lemonade on the counter. It looked so yummy, with lemon slices floating amidst the ice cubes, that my mouth started watering. I poured myself a tall glass and enjoyed the tart flavor and the way it reminded me of summertime. Esme was a genius.

I took my glass with me and headed up the curving staircase that led to a large open room. It had bookshelves lining one wall, and a really large TV and entertainment system on the other. Emmett and Rosalie were playing a game with some sort of wheel as a remote; I hung back and shyly waited to be noticed. Rosalie was the first to notice me. She rolled her eyes and looked away. I almost turned and ran down the stairs, but a big bear of a man suddenly had me in his arms swinging me around in circles.

"Baby girl, you're awake!"

I giggled because of how silly he was, but I freed my arms and gave him a proper hug. "Hi, Emmett; you're looking good."

"Of course, I'm good looking." He waggled his eyebrows at me.

"Wow, I just saw your head grow a size larger. I didn't know that could happen." I smiled at his laughter. Rosalie, who was pointedly trying to ignore us, snorted at that.

"Ha Ha, you're a funny girl." He grabbed my hand and pulled me over to sit on the overstuffed couch. I chose instead to sit in the chair, farther away from Rosalie.

"So, Bella, have you ever played Mario Kart?"

I nodded. "Um, yeah, I played it on Nintendo 64." He handed me a white wheel.

"64 is old school; Nintendo Wii is way cooler. It's so awesome that you'll enjoy getting beat."

I sucked at video games, but the distraction was welcomed. As always, his enthusiasm was infectious.

He explained the controls to me. "This button is the gas. This one is the brake and is also reverse once you're stopped. You turn the wheel to steer just like a regular steering wheel, and if you pull the wheel up like this…" He jerked the wheel up toward his chest. "Then you'll do tricks when you jump."

I wasn't sure about playing, but I went with it. He started the game, and the blare of the familiar music made me jump. Emmett's sound system could rival any theatre's. The screen of the TV was so big that the split screens for each player looked like they were on their own regular-sized TV. I loved the game. We played about ten rounds, and when I got stuck behind something for the twentieth time even Rosalie was laughing. It felt so good to laugh, and it was so nice to be included, just like it was when we were in high school.

As it was obvious that I sucked at Mario Kart, Emmett pulled out Wii Sports, and I agreed to play in a bowling tournament; best of five games wins. Emmett hollered for Jasper to join us. I took a deep breath, a little anxious to see him after then nightmare I'd had about him. He and Alice joined us, and I smiled timidly at both of them. Alice's smile when she saw me was as big and bright as the sun. She bounced over to me and jumped over the back of the couch, landing on her knees on the cushions.

"It's so good to see you up! Do you like your shoes? I see that the clothes fit. Do you like them? How are you feeling?" She was bouncing on her knees in excitement. I laughed at her, as did everyone else. She was on fast-forward and it was impossible for a mere human to keep up with her at that speed.

"Yes, I love my shoes. The clothes are great. I like them, but I'm not sure that I'll need a ball gown anytime soon. And I feel like crap." I smiled an equally bright smile to hers when I said it. I reached out to her, and she pulled me into a tight hug. She felt like home, and I used extreme effort to hold back the tears that threatened to fall.

Damn, I was so sick of crying.

She pulled away slightly to look into my eyes. "You do look much better."

I nodded my head because I saw in the mirror before I came up that the bags under my eyes were not as dark as they were before. I looked up to see Jasper looking at me, and I felt a small sliver of fear tingle up my back. I nodded a slight greeting, not ready to make any steps toward him yet.

Emmett was ready to start the game, and when I looked up at the screen, he had made a ridiculous character for me. He called it a Mii, and she looked like a stereotypical fairy-tale vampire with pale, white skin, red eyes, and fangs even though real vampires don't have them. I wasn't sure whether to feel sad or to laugh. It was obvious he thought it was funny. I chose to roll my eyes at him, even though a pain shot through my heart, as he taught me the controls for bowling.

He put a strap from the remote around my wrist and tightened it. "We don't want you to lose control and break the TV if you get wild."

I blushed and laughed, because he obviously remembered my klutzy ways well.

Wii Bowling was so much fun and remarkably similar to real bowling. Emmett and Rosalie were ridiculous and so competitive. They each had a fancy way of "throwing" the ball, and when I tried to imitate their moves, I managed to hit the gutter every time. I decided to just stand up and use my remote like I was throwing a granny shot. Everybody laughed at me, but I got a strike. I jumped up and down whooping with joy.

Rosalie ended up winning the tournament. It seemed that she was, indeed, the bowling champion. I came in last place, but only by twenty points, and all agreed that it wasn't bad for an amateur. While we were playing, Esme and Carlisle joined us to watch, and when we were finished playing, we all decided to watch a movie.

While Emmett and Alice argued about what movie to watch, everyone else got comfortable, and Esme disappeared down the stairs. I kicked my awesome shoes off and folded up in the chair to get comfortable. When Esme came back up, she handed me a beautiful sandwich, with ham and turkey. It was at least 3 inches thick, piled high with the meat, cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, and mayo. On the plate was a small bunch of grapes and my favorite snack, Cheez-Its. She also brought me another glass of lemonade. It was so good, and I managed to eat the entire meal.

Once I had a full stomach, I started to get sleepy. Someone threw a blanket over me, and I nestled down into its warmth and fell asleep with the movie in the background and my family surrounding me.

Alice woke me up when the movie was over. She touched me gently, but I was still startled awake. I let out a squeak and scared myself. I said goodnight to everyone and went back down to my room. I got comfy in the softest pajamas that I could find. I took the pill Carlisle gave me as he said goodnight, turned off the light, and fell asleep quickly, hoping to avoid any strange hallucinations.

The day would have been perfect if I hadn't had to spend the night with the demons of my nightmares in the bed next to me.

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><p><strong>XOXOXO,<strong>

**Thanks again to Jessypt and Thanks to all of you for reading and reviewing!**

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight! I own this story and my husband's ass in Mario Kart.**

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**Ok For reals this time- See you Tuesday!**


	8. Chapter 8 The Very Bad, No Good Day

**Here it is! The next two chapters will have a bit of a time jump.**

****No copyright infringement intended- Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of Twilight****

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><p>Chapter 8- The Very Bad, No Good Day<p>

_Bella POV_

More than a month had gone by since I came to live with the Cullens. It had taken work, but I put aside my anger. I gave a little more each day and worked to repair my relationship with Alice. I could no longer live in the past. I needed to move on and heal.

Some days I woke up and felt great, but other days, I couldn't pull myself out of bed. I seemed to be handling the cravings well, but I still occasionally turned to the Clonidine to get by. Every time I took the pills, I had horrible nightmares, or even worse, strange hallucinations. I was becoming antsier with each day that passed. Alice decided we needed to get out, and I agreed.

I'd gained about ten pounds, courtesy of Esme's amazing cooking, and I looked, even if I didn't feel, more like the old Bella, the one they used to know. It was amazing what regular meals could do. My face had filled in, and my ribs and hipbones were not sticking out obscenely. I felt so much better.

I was glad Alice offered to go out with me; I needed a new wardrobe to replace the clothes I'd already outgrown. She laughed at me that morning when I had to lay on the bed and suck in to button my jeans. Of course, Alice would use any excuse to shop. I hated shopping but welcomed the opportunity to get out of the house.

We drove to Boston. It was a great drive. Alice parked the SUV in the mall parking garage, farther away than necessary. I teased Alice when we pulled into the spot, asking her why she couldn't "see" a better spot in our future. We both laughed, but I guess that's just more proof that Alice doesn't see everything she should.

We shopped for hours and spent a staggering amount of money. Everything I showed even the slightest interest in ended up in the pile. I was so excited when we found a pair of soft, knee-length, black, suede boots. Alice had been showing me boots with the most ridiculous heels. Was she freaking serious? I couldn't walk safely in flats, and she wanted to put me in heels that would almost guarantee a broken ankle? When I tried on the flat boots I instantly fell in love with them, and Alice approved. She bought me leggings and a soft green sweater that just covered my butt. I had to admit, I looked cute.

As we shopped, there was no talk of the past or even the future. It was just us, enjoying each other's company, talking and laughing. Not exactly like old times, but we seemed to be forming something new. I could feel myself holding back a bit. I'd learned self-preservation the hard way, and I kept that lesson close.

After a couple of hours I was exhausted and hungry. We had lunch at a small bistro in the mall. While Alice pushed a small salad around on her plate, I ate the most delicious French dip sandwich and fries I'd ever tasted. The hot fries were sprinkled with freshly grated Parmesan cheese that had melted in little white ribbons of deliciousness.

We spent most of our lunch making small talk about the other members of her family. We laughed about Emmett's reaction to Rosalie's continued winning streak in bowling. He was such a sore loser. We talked about Jasper and how his attitude toward their "diet" had changed. We even talked about Carlisle and Esme, but we never talked about me… or _him_. We danced around that giant gorilla at our table until it was almost unbearable, and then she broke.

I could tell by the look on her face that Alice wanted to ask me something more serious than the trivial topics we had been discussing. I took a long slurp of my coke, shrugged my shoulders and shook my head, resigned to having this long needed talk.

"Just ask me, Alice. I know you're dying over there," I said bracing for what she would say.

She smiled at me and minutely relaxed in her chair. Her face became more serious.

"I know things were hard for you when we left." I rolled my eyes, and she reached for my hands. "No, Bella, I know you suffered horribly, and I wish I could go back and change things."

I pulled my hand out of hers, looked up at the ceiling, and blinked away the tears that were filling my eyes. I didn't want to revisit what it felt like when they left.

She persisted. "I have to know. Why would you turn to drugs?"

I should have known she wouldn't pussy foot around the issue. No, Alice always took the direct route.

"You didn't see me?" I tried not to let the bitterness show in my voice, but I didn't succeed.

Alice shook her head. "At first, I saw bits of how hard you were taking it, but your future was so up in the air. And it changed so fast. I knew you were having a really hard time adjusting, but I promised that I wouldn't intervene in any way—no matter what I saw. Bella, leaving you was so difficult, but we had to support Edward. He'd done it for us before." Her eyes pleaded with me to understand.

"Each time I did get a vision of you, I had to convince myself you were better off without us, even if that wasn't what I truly felt—or saw."

She looked away from me and furrowed her brow. I didn't know what to say in response. She reached over and held my hand again.

"There was a time when you were happy, though. I almost never saw you at all." She had a faraway look on her face, almost as if she was remembering what she had seen.

"It made me happy that you were getting better but sad in a way." Alice shrugged. "I guess I selfishly wanted you to miss me as much I missed you and seeing you recovering made it so final."

I knew what she was talking about, and the thought of how Jacob helped me made my stomach hurt. I let go of her hand and pushed my plate away. She waited expectantly for me to fill in the blanks. I thought back to a time months after they left. I'd missed her. That never subsided, but I had needed to connect with someone.

"I became good friends with Jacob Black."

I wanted to remember it fondly, but it was another part of my life I'd tried to forget.

Alice looked puzzled. "Jacob Black – the Quileute kid?"

"Yeah, he was my best friend. Things got very weird with him for a while. He stopped talking to me, and then after graduation, he started calling again. He wouldn't explain why he cut me off. It was almost like he disappeared. I had to face the feelings that I had been able to ignore along with the loss of his friendship. It was too hard." I felt like my heart was going to pound out of my chest, and Alice wouldn't meet my eyes.

I continued. "Then when he came back, he pushed for more, and I couldn't give it to him. I had to walk away." I looked over at Alice, and the sympathy in her eyes was almost enough to make me lose it.

"My relationship with Jacob is one of my greatest regrets. He was my best friend, and he glued me back together when I'd been left in shattered pieces, but I couldn't love him like I loved-." I gulped. I couldn't even say his name let alone think it. "I couldn't love him like he deserved to be loved."

I went on. "Because of Jake, I didn't go home for breaks. I was afraid I would cave in and take the easy road. I was afraid I would let him love me, and I didn't want to let go of the hurt. I was afraid if I did, there would be nothing left, and I held, still hold, on to every piece of _him_ that I can."

I let out a sob and laid my head on the table. "I hadn't seen my dad in months. When he died, it was such a shock. I think I just gave up. I went back to school and went through the motions, but I was losing it a bit more each day. A friend offered me a hit of coke as a pick up before a final, and I got hooked."

"The other drugs just followed naturally. When I was high, I was able to block out every feeling I had, _every_feeling, Alice. I was able to go to a place where none of the pain touched me, where I didn't have to remember anything. I moved to New York to start over, but it was too hard. I met someone who supplied me with what I needed. I devoted my whole existence, at that point, to getting as messed up as I could."

Alice just watched me as I unloaded everything in one swoop, and I'm glad that she offered no pity. I was sick of pity and just wanted to let it go. I looked into her golden eyes and told her the honest truth.

"I wanted to die, but I was too chicken to do it."

Alice closed her eyes for a long time. She seemed to be finding it hard to take in. Her eyes fluttered open, and she blew out a breath. Her face had fallen, and it made me want to let go and cry. "I'm sorry, Bella. I know that words can never be enough. I never should have let him walk away from you."

I closed my eyes. My heartbeat was pounding in my head, and the din in the restaurant seemed to get louder. I had to take a minute to calm myself.

My voice broke. "I don't understand why?" I sat back in my chair and crossed my arms over my stomach. I could feel the hole ripping open.

Alice's voice was sad. "We thought we were doing the right thing, Bella. We thought our presence was harmful to you, and we were right. Your birthday party scared us all into realizing the reality of the situation; we couldn't be sure we could protect you from ourselves, let alone anything else."

Maybe that was why she left, but he told me he didn't want anymore. I remembered it in my head as clearly as the day it happened.

**_Bella, I don't want you to come with me. He spoke the words slowly and precisely, his cold eyes on my face as I absorbed what he was really saying._

"_You…don't…want… me? I tried out the words, confused by the way they sounded, placed in that order._

"_No."_

_I stared, uncomprehending, into his eyes. He stared back without apology._

"_Well, that changes things." _

_He looked away into the trees as he spoke again. "Of course, I'll always love you…in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm…tiredof pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human." He looked back, and the icy planes of his perfect face were nothuman. "I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that."_

"_Don't." My voice was just a whisper now; awareness was beginning to seep through me, trickling like acid through my veins. "Don't do this."_

_He just stared at me, and I could see from his eyes that my words were far too late. He already had._

"_You're not good for me, Bella."**_

How well I knew I wasn't good enough for him. I shook the memory off and gave my attention back to Alice.

"You're here now though and regardless of what _anyone else_ thinks-" She was talking about _him_. "I know you're meant to be a part of our family."

Her voice was so sincere in that moment that I almost forgave her. I sat forward and tried to smile. I knew I needed to climb out of the abyss I'd allowed myself to sink into and start living again, but the bitterness of what happened stuck in my throat.

"Thanks for that, Alice."

Alice stood up and pulled me into an almost too tight hug.

"I love you, Bella."

I hugged her back, but I couldn't go so far as to reciprocate.

Alice paid the check and pulled me back into the mall for more shopping. My heart wasn't in it though. I was still reeling from the pain of revisiting the day _he_ left. I'd had three glasses of Coke at lunch and spent the rest of the day peeing. Alice hated to be interrupted once she got started, and a couple of times, I took a bathroom break just to mess with her.

While we were walking toward the exit, Alice spotted a display in a window and exclaimed with delight before pulling me over.

"Oh! Look at that jacket. Edward would love that!" Alice said, too caught up in her excitement to see how imagining him in that coat affected me. I gasped and faltered a bit, and at Alice's horrified expression, I spun around and accidentally slammed into a girl that was walking into the mall.

We bounced off each other, and I landed on my stomach, the girl, who was wearing a hooded sweatshirt, fell backwards onto her butt. Her purse flew out of her arms and spilled all over the floor. I rolled over and sat up quickly, my face red hot with embarrassment, and Alice and I helped her pick up her stuff. I reached for a small makeup bag, and when I grabbed a hold of it, all of the contents fell into my lap. My frustration with the mess was boiling over, and when I realized what was mixed in with the contents in my lap, I froze.

I snatched the small white ball from my lap and stuffed my hand in my pocket. I could barely breathe. My stomach was in knots, my chest tight with the knowledge that the one thing I'd been craving for weeks was now in my possession. I wanted nothing more than to run to the bathroom faster than a vampire and snort the drugs until I was in a stupor, but I knew I couldn't be that obvious.

Apologizing over and over again, I finished helping the very pissed off girl put her belongings back in her bag. She snatched her bag out of Alice's hands and told me to fuck off.

Alice laughed at her but then began staring off into space for a minute. I knew what she was seeing. I'd made the decision to take the drugs, and she saw it. We said nothing to each other in the car. I kept my head down and avoided meeting her eyes, the light mood from earlier gone. My legs wouldn't stop bouncing, and I felt like my heart was beating out of my chest. I should have been sweating from the effort to keep it together, but I was cold. My hand was fisted in my pocket, holding onto the drugs for dear life. I didn't know if she realized I had the drugs, but I assumed she did. I wondered if she could smell them.

My anxiety grew with each mile we drove closer to the house. Part of me was waiting for her to call me out. She kept glancing at me out of the corner of her eye. She said nothing. She just watched me fall apart. I wanted to scream at her. I wanted to know why she wasn't stopping me.

Why didn't she care enough?

We pulled into the driveway, and I barely waited for her to put the car in park before I jumped out and ran into the house. Carlisle and Esme were in the great room. I ran right past them without stopping and went into my bedroom with my head down. I locked the door behind me and slid down to the floor. I wrapped my arms around my knees and laid my face on top of them, the baggie of powder still clenched tightly in my fist. I ignored the knocking at my door. I felt the relentless war inside of me. Indecision and need were fighting a battle that was crushing me.

I had no idea how much time had passed before I heard Carlisle speak to me through the door. "Bella, please open the door." I stood up and opened it just a crack. "Are you okay?"

I knew that he knew. I could see he was checking to see if I had done the drugs.

I shook my head from side to side and squeezed my eyes shut. My hand was behind my back, hiding my shame tightly in a fist. I wanted it so bad, and with each beat that we stood there, I felt the overwhelming need for the oblivion it would give me.

I wanted it. I needed it. I hated it.

I hated the control a small bag of dope had over my life.

Carlisle asked nothing of me. He just stood there and watched me struggle. I took a deep breath, and bit my bottom lip so hard I could taste blood. Although it greatly pained me, I held my tightly clenched fist out to him. I hesitated for one second. I looked into his eyes and saw, not judgment, but worry. I dropped the baggie in his hand and collapsed on the floor. I had no strength. I had used it all to beat the demon.

I felt his hand helping me up, and Carlisle put me on my bed. He put his hand on my shoulder and knelt down in front on me. He took a deep breath, and in a move that reminded me of his son, raked his hands through his hair.

"I'm proud of you. You did the right thing, but I'm not going to lie to you, Bella. I'm worried."

I couldn't meet his eyes, and I went so far as to pull my limp hair out of the hair tie and allow it to block my face from view.

He continued. "I think it's time you allowed me to really help you."

I was shaking my head before he finished. I felt like I suddenly needed to control my anger. I felt it bubbling up inside of me, hot and violent. I clenched my jaw to keep from yelling. My voice was so quiet I could barely hear it myself, but I knew he could.

"I'm not something you can fix. I'm never going to be right."

I was desperate to release my emotions. I pulled at my sleeves and tucked my hands into my shirt, unconsciously trying to disappear. I voiced that exact sentiment.

"I just want to disappear; for all the pain to disappear."

"I'm here for you, Bella. I want to help you."

His words hit a nerve. I kept hearing 'I am here for you,' from him, from Alice, from Esme, but the one I wanted wasn't here, and that thought pushed me over the edge.

I lost it. I jumped out off the bed, tripping on the too long legs of my black sweats. I caught myself from falling, slammed my hands on the wall, and screamed at Carlisle.

"He said it would be as if he never existed! He lied to me. He is gone, you are here, and I have nothing!" I started to sob. Carlisle just watched me. I put my hands out to him.

"Don't you see? He ruined me. I am a pathetic loser who can't get over her first love. I tried to get over it, but I couldn't. I will never get over Edward." I felt the anger draining out of me, and it was replaced with a despair that pulled me lower than I had ever been. My legs went weak, and I sank to the floor.

"He was worried about my soul, but he took it anyway. He stole it and left me empty, and I can't move on."

Carlisle came over, sank down on his knees next to me, and put his arms around me. I didn't reciprocate the hug. I didn't want comforting. I was too overloaded with emotion, and I didn't want to feel anything anymore. I pulled away from him and crawled into bed. I pulled the covers over my head and let go. I kicked and screamed. I attacked the bed with every ounce of anger I felt. I cried and railed at the injustice of my life.

When I finally calmed down, I said a prayer thanking God I didn't give in. I cried silent tears until I fell asleep on my soaked pillow. I was so exhausted and thankful for the oblivion that sleep provided.

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><p><strong>xoxoxo<strong>

**Thanks again to Jessypt, who again polished my work. Thanks for all the story alerts and favorites! And Thanks for all the reviews- they make me write faster! I also have to thank my husband, his support is amazing and I love his suggestions. They always make complete sense.**

****Excerpt taken from New Moon. I will say it again- no copyright infringement intended.****

**Also, if you wonder why Alice didn't stop Bella- write me a review and ask me. I have a great explanation :)**


	9. Chapter 9 Heavy Cloud No Rain

_Chapter 9- Heavy Cloud No Rain_

_Turned on the weatherman just after the news_

_I needed sweet rain to wash away my blues_

_He looked at the chart but he looked in vain_

_Heavy cloud but no rain_

_-Sting_

_Bella POV_

I opened my eyes but stayed in bed staring at the white ceiling. I spent the entire night with my emotions bouncing back and forth between regret and pride. I was proud that I'd been able to hand Carlisle the drugs, but deep down I regretted it.

I wished I'd taken them. I needed the pain to go away. I squeezed my eyes shut. Just thinking about how much I craved the high sent shivers up my spine. Even twelve hours later, I was still ready to climb the walls.

I stayed in my room the entire day. Esme tried to get me to eat, but I told her I wasn't hungry.

I wasn't hungry, thirsty, tired, happy, or sad.

I was numb.

I had finally achieved the numbness I'd been craving without drugs.

I saw the irony in that. Drugs had helped me forget _him_ for a short time, but I was slowly realizing it was just temporary, and nothing would ever change the fact that I was lost without him. His memory was a catalyst to the drug use. Not him exactly, but the feelings of loss inside me. Drugs numbed the pain, but it seemed that hopelessness did it too. I turned over on my side and let the tears fall. They were silent tears that ran down my face and over my nose, soaking my pillow in grief. I was grieving the loss of all the hope I'd been feeling inside me.

I would never be normal. I didn't want to be normal. I just wanted Edward.

It had been a week since Alice and I went to Boston. I'd been hiding in my bedroom, and I was sick of it. I knew I needed to let the past go. I was strong enough to say no to the drugs. I needed to be strong enough to heal.

I borrowed Carlisle's phone and sat out on the deck wrapped in a blanket. I was sick to my stomach but knew it was time to make a very hard call.

I called my mother. I hadn't talked to her since shortly after Charlie's funeral, and I guess, in a way, I hoped for some comfort from her. She screamed at me for not calling her sooner and causing her so much worry. I apologized over and over again with tear-filled sobs while she continued yelling at me. I knew she'd been worried, but I couldn't take her accusations that I never thought of her and how much she needed me.

Why couldn't it be about what I needed? It was my father who died, my boyfriend who left, and she needed me? I shut down even more. I angrily swiped the tears away.

It took a good ten minutes before she got around to asking where I was. I couldn't tell her I was with the Cullens. That would've opened up a whole line of questioning I wasn't ready to answer. I told her I was in drug rehab. Her silence was deafening. I'd hoped for some kind of understanding, but I didn't get that from her. She was shocked, hurt, and worse—angry. She wanted to come get me, but I wouldn't tell her where I was. I told her I loved her and ended the call, feeling even worse than before.

I walked into the house quietly. I really wanted to cry, but honestly, I was too sad. I set Carlisle's phone on the kitchen counter and softly thanked him. He was so sweet when he asked me how it went. I just gave him a smile that didn't reach further than my lips.

"She took it hard."

My hands were shaking, and I felt on the verge of passing out. I was just so weary and sick of feeling so lost. I turned away from his sympathetic look.

I went in my room and grabbed the blue leather journal that Alice picked out for me at a bookstore in Boston. It was soft, and the edges of the paper were painted gold, exactly like the Swan Family Bible that sat in a stand beside the fireplace at my Dad's house. Carlisle had suggested that I write my feelings and thoughts down as a way of releasing them since I wouldn't—couldn't, talk to him about what was deep inside me. I don't know if it help, but I had been trying.

I sat on the edge of my bed and opened it. I lost track of time as I sat there in misery, trying to analyze the myriad feelings inside me.

_Regret that my father was gone and never got to see me happy again._

_Shame that I couldn't bring my pain to my mother. _

_Bitterness that Jacob's easy love wasn't enough to make me happy._

_Sorrow that I was never enough for Edward,__and worse, that he was lost to me._

_Anguish that I couldn't do anything right anymore, not even kill myself._

_The uneasy joy of being with the family I'd longed for. _

_But most of all, I felt stronger than I ever had._

I furiously scrawled a letter to my mom, wondering why things could never be about me. I told her I loved her, but being there for her was just too much work right now. I asked her to be happy with Phil.

I had so much more in me I needed to write. I looked outside and the view matched my mood. I wanted to find a place outdoors where I could focus on the importance of what I needed to get off my chest. The sky was overcast with thick clouds that allowed no rays of sunlight to break through—safe for vampires but gloomy all the same. I almost wished for rain to wash away my lingering depression.

On the south side of the yard, I passed by Esme and Alice planting bright, cheery pansies of all different colors. I kept my head down and wouldn't meet their concerned glances as I headed into the newly green forest.

Spring had brought the leaves back to the trees, and the green foliage drew me in. I could hear the pounding of nails and the buzz of a power saw in the distance. Jasper and Emmett were beginning construction on the new outbuildings that Esme had planned. I heard the roar of Emmett's laughter and an outraged squeal from Rosalie. She must have been helping them.

I watched my step as I made my way through the trees, stumbling a couple times on roots and other hazards that my klutzy feet couldn't maneuver without tripping over. I hugged my journal to my chest as a memory of taking a very similar journey with Edward surfaced. I breathed it in, instead of blocking it out, and I relished the vision of his face while we sat together for the very first time in our meadow. I was so in awe of him then and so in love. I touched him for the first time while we sat amongst the wildflowers, and his smile was bright enough to blind me.

I walked quite a distance, stopping when I broke free of the dense trees and came to an odd clearing. There was an open space of about twenty yards that had a brook snaking its way through; a small rocky outcropping formed a trickling waterfall to the right of where I was standing. The grass surrounding the stream was green and dotted with purple and yellow wildflowers.

I dropped my jacket, set the journal on top of it, and sat down on the soft, moist grass. It was so peaceful. On a sunny day, I am sure this place was a stunning vision, a haven that beckoned fairies to come and dance. I pulled my legs under me and sat cross-legged. I ran my hands over my journal and closed my eyes. I took in a deep breath of the earthy air. The feel of the soft leather along with the chirping of the happy birds brought me a sense of peace that I had not felt in days.

I flipped through and read some of what I had written in the journal, mostly the letters. I recognized what those letters were—goodbyes. I'd made up my mind to die once and hadn't succeeded. The deeper I had fallen into despair; the more I'd wanted to be done. I'd wanted the ease of death, the peace of death. I'd wanted it to be as if _I _had never existed.

I needed to leave. I needed to get away from here. I would swallow my pain and go back to Forks. My dad's house was just sitting there. I would sell it and start over. I started to get choked up thinking about going back there, but it needed to be done. I swallowed back the tears and started writing my plans—my goals, down in my journal.

Maybe it was the fact that I'd made up my mind to go that gave me peace. It was going to be hard for them to let me leave, especially Alice, but they couldn't help me, and I couldn't expect to ever get better surrounded by the memories of Edward. The absence of him was everywhere I looked.

As soon as I thought the hole in my chest was healed, a vampire would touch my skin, and I remembered what he felt like next to me. Every breeze would blow the sweet scent of him straight to my brain. I couldn't look in anyone's eyes without seeing the look he gave me as he left; amber flames flaring up in his resolve to leave me.

I started to write a letter to Edward, but I couldn't do it.

That's when it hit me. Instead of walking away I needed to get better. Instead of writing my feeling for Edward down in a book, I needed to tell him.

I needed closure. I needed to see him one more time, and then I could let him go.

I didn't want to die. I threw my pen and journal down and fell backwards onto my jacket, looking up at the gray sky barely visible through the branches.

I was in his home. I was with his family. All I needed to do was tell them I wanted them to call him home, and I would see him. Even if he didn't want me I could say goodbye on my terms.

Closure.

I closed my eyes and said a prayer asking for strength to get better. I picked up my stuff and made my way back to the house. I would do this one day at a time.

I would get better.

I walked home filled with resolve, and I felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest. I felt bad for screaming at Carlisle like I had. It was wrong, but it had also served as a release. I needed to apologize, and I needed to let him help me.

As I walked up the stairs to go into the house, I saw Alice waiting on the deck for me. I don't think she knew what to say.

"Alice…," I reached out for her. "I'm sorry."

She put her arm around my shoulders. "You don't have anything to be sorry for." We walked into the house and Carlisle stood up from his chair.

I wasn't even nervous. I was determined. I looked into Carlisle's eyes.

"I want you to help me."

I took all his advice and became a model patient. I took the anti-depressants and felt better in days. It shouldn't have surprised me so much, but it did.

Another month flew by. I worked hard to stay positive and get healthy. Routine helped me stay focused, so I took a walk each day. Sometimes Alice would come with me. We would walk in companionable silence or just chat. It felt very natural, and it felt good. I never told her about the letters I wrote, and she never brought up any indication that she had seen me make any decisions to leave.

I never took Alice to my place in the woods. It was mine alone, and I went there often. I would write in my journal or take a book from the stack Alice gave me and just lay there reading. Occasionally the sun would brightly shine, rays breaking through the branches and the whole meadow would be lit up. It was a beautiful place.

I sat there debating my future. We had discussed what I wanted. I knew I couldn't stay with the Cullens forever. The bubble I'd been living in could only be temporary. I really didn't know what I wanted to do with myself. Part of me still wanted to go back to Forks, but I was too scared of the emotions I would face there. Carlisle offered to pay for college, and I was seriously considering it. I would work and go to school, and pay him back.

I felt so good. I had a plan. I was strong. I was ready for the changes that were happening.

What I wasn't ready for yet was Edward. I still felt the sting of pain when I thought of him_._ I could think of him without having a panic attack, but I still wasn't whole. I knew deep down that rejection from him could ruin me again, but I also knew that if I truly wanted to get better I had to forgive him. I had to let _him_ go.

It was a hard decision to not let anyone tell him I was here. It was enough, right now, for me to know that he was ok, that he was going on with his life. There were many days I felt like breaking down and asking Alice to call Edward, but I wanted to be strong enough to say goodbye. I didn't let myself hope for anything more. I just needed a little more time.

On a beautiful sunny morning, Esme packed me a lunch, and I headed out with my book and a blanket. I was looking forward to the quiet, fresh air in the forest. I no longer tripped through the woods. Emmett had thoughtfully cut a path out for me and made my walk so much easier.

I spread my blanket out on the ground in a ray of sunlight. It was like God intended for me to lay right there in the spot He had chosen. I ate my lunch and read through the afternoon, until my eyes became tired. I let sleep take me, and I dreamed of Edward.

The dreams I had were so beautiful and so peaceful. I woke up and wrote them down in my journal. I wrote for a long time. I saw that the midday light had turned to twilight, and while I knew it was Edward's favorite time of day, I was saddened by the passing of yet another day without him. My arms ached to hold him, and when I closed my eyes, I could almost feel his arms wrapped around me. I shook the thoughts out of my head and began gathering my things to head back to the house.

I took a deep breath, pulling the blue night air into my lungs, and I smelled the sweet scent that was Edward, relishing in the memory. I opened my eyes and realized I wasn't alone. The sweet scent I smelled was indeed a vampire, but not one I would've ever expected. I backed up toward the tree line, knowing I couldn't run.

"Bella, I did not expect to see you here."

It had been years, but I instantly recognized the accented voice. He'd been on our side before, but something about his manner sent shivers of fear up my spine. Laurent stood about fifteen feet away from me on the other side of the stream. I said nothing.

"I was on my way to visit the Cullens." He circled around me in a way that made me feel like prey. I was the prey.

"I came here as a favor to Victoria."

My blood ran cold at the mere mention of her name. My voice shook with the cold fear I felt.

"Victoria?"

This was not fair!

I'd begged for death for so long, and now when I was finally firmly back on the side of living, I was going to die?

I made the decision in my head—I was going to run from Laurent. I hoped Alice would see me. I concentrated on my plan and backed up slowly. I knew that I'd never make it, but I couldn't just let him kill me.

Laurent cocked his head and gave me a curious look as he moved a bit closer.

"She watched you for years, but Edward was gone. What good was killing you if he wasn't there to see it? She killed your father, you know. It was a brilliant plan. He stopped her for speeding, and she made it look like he'd been run over."

I gasped in horror. My knees almost gave way, but I pulled myself together. I couldn't show him any weakness.

"It was messy, I know. Watching you pour out your grief at the cemetery was gratifying, but that wasn't good enough. She decided Edward would have to pay for killing James; and if it wasn't going to be with your life, it would be his."

Laurent was suddenly close enough for me to feel his breath as he whispered in my ear. I closed my eyes in revulsion.

"He fought hard, but her revenge was sweet."

I backed up even further away from him as his eyes narrowed. He didn't follow right away. I shook my head back and forth refusing to believe what he said.

"No. You're wrong." I couldn't catch my breath.

He smiled a menacing smile, and I saw my death in his eyes. "I am not wrong. Your Edward is dead, and you will soon join him." He threw his head back and laughed. " Victoria will love this."

Edward dead? My heart was pounding. I continued backing away, but he followed, stalking me slowly.

"It's not true. You're lying to me." Laurent laughed.

"Why would I lie to you?"

He touched my face, and I turned away. How could this be? I had resolved myself to not having Edward by my side, but now he was _gone_?

How could I live in a world where he didn't exist? I felt my panic rising.

I heard a rustling behind me in the woods and let go. I fell to my knees and screamed louder than should've been humanly possible. I kept screaming and didn't stop, even when I saw Jasper break through the trees yards from me, Emmett right behind him. Laurent raised his hands in a peaceful gesture and then ran in the opposite direction. They raced after him, Rosalie following close behind. Carlisle arrived seconds after Laurent disappeared into the woods.

I couldn't stop screaming even after Alice and Esme pulled me off the ground. I screamed until my throat was sore. Carlisle came up behind us and carried me to the house. They couldn't calm me. I lost all sense of time. I felt the coolness of my comforter on my back and grabbed a hold of Carlisle before he let go.

"He's gone." I sobbed hysterically.

"Shhh- Shhh, Bella. Yes, Jasper and Emmett will take care of Laurent. He's gone."

I shook my head against my pillow; I could feel the tears running down behind my neck.

"No…no… Edward's gone." I choked, my body shaking uncontrollably.

"Victoria killed Edward. He's gone."

Esme's gasped and fell to her knees. I lost all sense of what was going on around me. I heard the sound of screams, loud in my ears, but I couldn't tell whose they were.

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><p><strong>xoxoxo<strong>

**Sorry for the cliffie! **Be on the lookout for Chapter 10. It is a very short, but valuble chapter. It really should be Chapter** 9 1/2. **

**In Chapter 11 we will find out what is going on with Edward. That chapter may be posted earlier than next Tuesday. I guess it will depend on how many people want it sooner!**

**Thanks to Jessypt for looking this over. If there are any mistakes, they are all mine. I became obsessive and changed a whole bunch this weekend.**

**Thanks to all who are following and reading! Thanks for those that leave a review. I adore every one of them!**

**Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer, but You Found Me is all mine.**


	10. Chapter 10 Extreme Emotional Bombardment

**This is a very short chapter, that's why I'm posting it simultaneously with chapter 9. It's in Jasper's POV for two reasons: Because I have always wondered how strong emotions would affect him and because I am a huge Jackson fan!**

Chapter 10- Extreme Emotional Bombardment

_Jasper POV_

It had been a rough couple of months. I carried such guilt over Bella's condition. No matter what anyone told me I knew it was my fault Edward decided to leave Bella. There were other reasons, but my loss of control precipitated it. There is nothing in my entire life I have regretted more.

It was hard to be around Bella. Not because she blamed me but because the emotions filling her made it hard for me to breathe. She felt everything so deeply and it was near impossible not to let her feelings become my own. I could feel myself falling into depression. My gift was unique. I could manipulate the emotions around me, using them to my advantage. I could have made her feel euphoric, or at the very least, happiness, but it didn't seem right to use Bella that way. I had done enough damage to her. She needed to release her emotions in a true way so she could heal.

For the past month, Bella had been getting better—stronger. I no longer felt the overwhelming sadness. There was still a melancholy air surrounding her, but it no longer threatened to overtake me. It still felt good to be out of the house and away from her.

I stood over the makeshift table I had put together with a sheet of plywood and two sawhorses and looked over Esme's plans for the set of outbuildings she wanted built. They were plans for a large garage with an apartment over the top, a woodworking studio for Emmett, a pottery studio for Esme and a larger shed for the lawn equipment. Emmett and Rosalie were messing around as much as they were working.

I pushed away from the table and started over to help when I felt Alice's panic. I knew instantly that something was very wrong. I called to Emmett and Rosalie and we rushed to her. We met her half way, running toward me, between the house and where we were. The look on her face was sheer terror.

"Laurent is in the woods with Bella." She screamed at me.

We flew for the woods and just before broke I through the trees I heard Bella's screams and thought we were too late.

I thought I'd failed her again.

It was ridiculously easy to kill Laurent. We surrounded him. He turned toward Rosalie, I'm sure thinking she was the easiest target, and Emmett didn't even hesitate. One blow from his fists pulverized Laurent. We lit a fire and burnt his body. I would have liked to question Laurent, but what was done was done. I didn't give him another thought as we raced back to the house.

I entered the house first and was almost driven to the ground with the grief and panic filling the room. I squeezed my eyes shut and braced my shoulder against the doorjamb to keep from falling to my knees. It wasn't often I felt such strong emotions from my family. I went to Alice and wrapped my arms around her, needing to both comfort her and feel comforted myself. I had no clue what was going on, but she was searching. Her eyes were wide and unseeing, and she didn't respond to my touch.

Carlisle came out of Bella's room. He was supporting Esme, who looked like she was dying. Esme sat on the couch, her face crumbling with dry tears.

"What the hell is going on?" Emmett demanded, drawing Esme into his arms. He led her to the couch and held her against him.

"I had to sedate Bella. I've never seen someone so hysterical." Carlisle said to no one in particular.

He looked at me and I saw fear in his eyes. "Where's Laurent?"

Emmett answered for me. "He's gone. I ripped him apart and burned the pieces. He wouldn't even stop to explain his presence. He turned to attack, and I wasn't going to take any chances"

Carlisle nodded. "I'm glad. I would have liked to talk to him though." He sat on one of the bar stools and put his head in his hands. "Laurent told Bella that Victoria killed Edward."

I squeezed my eyes shut. The pain surrounding me made my knees weak again, like the force of the emotions was pushing me down. It wasn't only my pain and fear I was feeling, it was everyone's. I could even feel it coming from Bella. I couldn't have manipulated the emotions to calm them because I had no calmness in me to project.

Emmett jumped up from the couch, his chest puffed out and his teeth clenched. He was barely holding himself together.

Carlisle picked up his phone and dialed Edward's number. It rang three times before it went to voicemail, a simple beep with no greeting.

"Call me." Carlisle said and dropped the phone from his limp fingers.

Emmett and Rosalie were on either side of Esme. The look on Emmett's face was intense. I'm sure he wanted to go after Victoria immediately. We hadn't heard a thing about her. I knew Edward had spent some time tracking her, but had never succeeded. She disappeared, and I never gave her another thought. Rosalie was holding Esme. Her emotions were harder to read. She was bouncing back and forth between worry and anger.

Alice still hadn't moved, but she began mumbling, "I would have seen it, I would have seen it." Her hands were pulling her hair, and the emotions rolling off of her were almost crushing me. I didn't let go though. I would never let go of Alice. She was my world.

Carlisle tried the phone again and reached Edward's voice mail a second time. He put his head in his hands, clutching the phone at his temple, almost hard enough to crush the flimsy piece of electronics. I was numb with fear. My throat was full, and it felt like I was choking. It had been hundreds of years since I cried, but I knew that was what Carlisle was feeling. I knew if he could cry, tears would be falling from his eyes.

I stared at the phone willing it to ring.

**xoxoxo**

**I know you all hate me right now! I'm sorry! Even my sister and cousin are calling me names. I am sending Chapter 11 to Jessypt tonight! I will post it ASAP!**

**Thanks as always to Jessypt. She makes me look like I paid attention to grammar in school instead of sleeping!**

**Thanks to all who read, put You Found Me on story alert, and for reviewing and recommending! I try to respond to all the reviews, if I missed you it wasn't on purpose!**

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own all the 100 Monkeys CDs, numerous Jackson autographs, and a dog named after him. (Jackson Dogbone)**


	11. Chapter 11 Incomplete

***Please read the story note on my profile! It's important!***

**Finally I give you Edward. **

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><p><em>Chapter 11- Incomplete<em>

_Empty spaces fill me up with holes_

_Distant faces with no place left to go_

_Without you within me I can't find no rest_

_Where I'm going is anybody's guess_

… _Without you all I'm going to be is incomplete_

_-Backstreet Boys_

_Edward POV_

The sun had just set when I walked up the sidewalk to the door of my townhouse. It was the second night in a row that I had sensed and heard the thoughts of a vampire near my house. I knew Victoria was back again. I didn't search for the visitor this time. I was tiring of the games she played, and I was ready for her to make a move.

Victoria was a wily one. She would come just close enough to torture me with her thoughts. She wanted me to come after her, but I could never catch her. Victoria seemed to have an uncanny ability to evade me.

When my family and I left Forks, I made them promise they wouldn't interfere with anything they heard or saw - especially Alice. I didn't want her to look for Bella's future. We had to cut all ties for Bella's safety.

At the time, I thought it was just us we were protecting her from. I hadn't realized Victoria was a threat. I thought she was just a loose end that needed to be taken care of.

I left Forks… and Bella, in September and tracked Victoria to the southern part of the States. I came upon her and a young vampire on the Texas plains. The glints of light reflecting off her skin in the midday sun gave away her location before I could get close enough to do anything but read her mind. I was determined to destroy her, but I barely managed to escape the newborn she had with her. I took a big hit to my ego that day but gained huge insight into Victoria's mind.

I read her grief. I never realized the extent of her connection with James. I was so focused on him that I hadn't given her the attention I should have. She wanted me to pay for James' death, not with my life, but with my own grief. She was going to destroy Bella. I saw in her head the torture she had planned. It was impossible to get the thoughts out of my head, but I also read in her mind her frustration that she couldn't get close to Bella.

The Quileute wolves were my trump card. I knew before we left the wolves were back. It had been years since we'd come across their chief and made the treaty that would ultimately protect Bella.

Victoria toyed with my mind and kept me running. At least we were running away from Bella, and I would do everything I could to keep it that way. I almost called Jasper to get his help tracking her but couldn't. I couldn't face him.

I traveled not only the country, but the world, chasing Victoria and running from the memories that plagued me each day. In all my running, the one place I had avoided was the West Coast. The temptation to see Bella would have been too strong to fight if I had gotten that close. I'd resisted for four years and still struggled each day to keep the promise – that I wouldn't come back, that I wouldn't interfere with her future – I'd made to her when I left her in the woods.

The memory of the blasphemous lie I'd told her tormented me every minute of every day. I remembered her face when I told her I didn't want her anymore. It reminded me of the pain in my mother's eyes as she watched my father die.

Saying I didn't want her couldn't have been further from the truth. Many days passed where I could only curl up in a ball from the pain of being without her. I sat at night watching the night turn from a beautiful sunset to the light blue of twilight. It used to be my favorite time of day, but it wasn't the same any longer. Every day was like a moonless night, and without her brightness, I was blind. My arms were empty; my hands ached to feel her fingers laced with mine. I missed whispering in the dark, so her dad wouldn't catch us, the scent of her filling me up. My chest ached where my heart once beat.

A minute never passed without a thought of her. While the thoughts left me feeling empty and more alone, I cherished them all the same. I wondered if Bella was happy. I hoped she was. It would've been easy to find out. I could've asked Alice to call her. Alice tried to tell me something about her a few months after we left, but I cut her off. I didn't want to know. Knowing would've been worse. The jealously I felt at the thought of her loving someone else sat like a rock in my stomach, but I knew without a doubt I'd made the right decision, especially with the proof that Victoria wanted to avenge James' death. The memory of Victoria's plans to kill Bella was my source of strength and helped me fight my instinct to go back to her.

I didn't look behind me to see the vampire whose thoughts I heard. I stood on the steps reading the mail, listening to him. He was paying attention to me, when his thoughts shifted to a woman walking her dog in the park. Instantly his thoughts were of thirst. I looked around, thankful for the quiet streets, and took off after him. I headed him off only a hundred yards from the woman in the park. With his mind in extreme concentration of the hunt, I pulled him into the trees and tore his head off. The loud sound echoed through the park. The sound frightened her, and she ran away. I disposed of his body and walked back home, listening carefully for others.

Victoria had sent numerous vampires to kill me in the past week. It was her new game. So far, I had been successful in avoiding death by killing them. The problem was the newborns' inability to control their thirst. The media was speculating there was a serial killer on the loose. I needed to leave Chicago but not without leading them away. If I hadn't heard their thoughts of Victoria, I would have thought she left, but she was present in all their thoughts.

I unlocked the front door and walked down the hall to the kitchen. The emptiness of the house mirrored the loneliness that had become a significant part of who I had become. It was strange to be in this house. I'd always been unable to sell the property. I'd lived with my parents in this home, and it was a little part of my former life I couldn't lose.

I'd restored it many years ago and added modern conveniences, as necessary. With the availability of restoration pieces, the home looked more like the home in my human memories than it ever had. It was impossible not to imagine what my life would have been like if I hadn't become a vampire, if I had been a normal young man who could have found Bella then and lived a long life with her in this home; our children and grandchildren surrounding us.

It did no good to think those thoughts; if I hadn't become a vampire I never would have met Bella. I was mentally tired. I braced my forearms against the counter, my forehead almost touching the marble. My breathing was harsh. I heard my phone beep and realized I had left it at home. I pushed away from the counter and ran my hands through my hair in an attempt push the thoughts out of my head. It was impossible. Bella was a part of me, and I didn't want to go a minute without seeing her face.

I blew the air out of my lungs and picked up the phone. No one had my number except my family. I saw that Carlisle had called five times and had left a message. I pressed the call button twice without bothering to listen to my messages. It rang only once before I heard a frantic voice on the other end.

"Edward? Are you okay?" Carlisle sounded out of breath and distraught.

"Hello, Carlisle. I'm fine. Are you okay?" I could hear the relief in his voice and in the voices of my family in the background.

"I'm fine now, Son. Thank God you're okay."

I was confused by what he was saying. "Of course, I'm fine. What's wrong? Why were you worried about me?"

He paused for a minute; there was a strange silence coming from his end. I turned and leaned my back against the counter, my legs crossed at the ankles.

"We had an unexpected visit from Laurent. He told B—uh, me that Victoria had been looking for you and had succeeded in killing you. When you didn't answer, we became frantic."

I heard the slip that he made but couldn't figure out what he meant to say.

"Victoria has been stalking me off and on since we left Forks. She seems to have a new coven that she's using to try to get to me. They've been outside my house the last week. I think she is making newborns, and they are wreaking havoc here. There has been a rash of murders and missing persons reports. The media is all over it. I heard a male tonight thinking he needed to get back to her and the others before I killed him. I'm closing up the house tonight and going to go after her again."

"Where are you?"

"At the house in Chicago. I don't know where I'm headed, but I'll be catching a flight out tonight. She'll follow me. I need to lure her someplace where I have an advantage."

"Why don't you come here?" He paused. "It's been so long. Allow us to help you with Victoria."

The memories of my last visit came to mind. I roamed around the house and nothing felt right. Our family was incomplete without Bella.

I shook my head. "I can't. Nothing's changed. It's too hard."

"Edward, I understand your reasons for not coming home, but to be frank, you're needed here; it sounds like it would be safer if you were with us, as well."

Being away from my family had never accomplished what I'd hoped it would. The memories of Bella were as strong as they always had been. I knew I would mourn her as long as I existed. In a way, I almost hoped Victoria would give me a fight that I might not win. Although, appealing as taking the easy way out might sound, as long as Bella was in this world, I had to be, too.

I contemplated my answer to Carlisle for longer than necessary. The words I needed to refuse him wouldn't come to mind before he spoke again.

"Maybe I didn't emphasize what I'm trying to say to you. You _need _to come home as soon as possible. You're needed here." His voice was stern, almost harsh.

"Carlisle, what's going on?" I knew something was up; he never insisted I do anything. "Is everything ok?

"Everything is fine. I don't want to talk about it on the phone."

I had an uneasy feeling. It wasn't like Carlisle to be so short. I gave in.

"Ok, I'll charter a flight tonight. Can someone pick me up?"

I heard Alice in the background. "I will."

"Thank you, Edward. We'll figure out how to deal with everything when you get here."

Everything? Did he mean Victoria? What the hell was going on?

I called a cab and packed my bag. I didn't take much, but there were little things that I couldn't part with: my laptop, my journal, my iPod, and most importantly, my pictures of Bella. I didn't need a picture to recall her face. It was perfectly etched in my mind, but holding the picture of her smiling made it feel like I was near her. I heard the cab turn onto the street and with one last look around my childhood home, I locked up the house.

I smelled the scent of vampire in the air and wasn't surprised to see a tall, lanky, young one staring at me from just inside the tree line of the park across the street. His eyes were bright red, and he glared at me with a look that mirrored the thoughts I heard in his head. I searched for some thoughts of Victoria, but the only name I caught was Riley. He had to report my leaving to Riley. I read in his mind that he was frustrated by the fact he couldn't just take me out. He wondered what would happen if he did. He thought the cab driver would make a lovely snack once I was out of the way.

I fought my instincts to go after him, but I looked right at him and addressed him in a low voice. "Do what you're told and tell Riley I look forward to meeting him. We'll meet soon enough."

I casually got in the car. The driver gave me a strange look. He must have heard me. I gave him a tight smile.

"O'Hare, please. I'm headed to New Hampshire tonight to see my family." I only told him my destination for the vampire's benefit. No sense in making them search for me. I couldn't risk Victoria getting bored and heading to Forks.

The cab driver nodded his ascent and pulled away from the house. I could smell the sickness pouring from the older man. That along with his thinness and gray pallor told me he didn't have long to live. His only thoughts, once he was done thinking I was a weirdo who talked to himself, were of his wife. I could hear how much he loved her and how much he wished he were in bed with her right now.

I laid my head back against the seats, and just as he thought of his love, I thought of Bella.

We pulled up to the private hangar. I sensed the vampire as soon as I stepped out of the cab and was glad he had followed me. It would be reported exactly where I was headed. I paid the cabbie and handed him a thick envelope of cash. He was shocked into silence at the stack of bills and started to get out of the car to return it. I waved him away and gave him a big smile. He couldn't form a coherent thought.

I walked up to the ticket counter and chartered a private plane for a flight to New Hampshire. I spoke with the captain and boarded the Cessna Citation. I sank into the plush leather seats and laid my head back against it with a sigh. I felt very apprehensive about the trip. I couldn't stop worrying about what was going on with my family. Carlisle had sounded strange. I was so used to knowing exactly what he was thinking it was hard not knowing. I hoped that Victoria would follow me. The flight attendant was preparing the plane for take-off. She offered me something to drink, and when I refused she tried to converse with me. Her thoughts almost made me blush. I waved her away her and put my earbuds in my ears, turning the music up loud in an attempt to block out her thoughts.

I sent a text message to Carlisle with my arrival time. It would be nice to see Alice, but her coming to pick me up made me wonder what they were keeping from me. Maybe I was overreacting, but out of everyone Alice was the best at hiding her thoughts.

The flight was relatively short, and as I stepped off of the plane onto the tarmac. I picked up Alice's thoughts and smiled. She saw the exact time I would walk through the arrivals gate. I would see her in two minutes and fifteen seconds. I picked up my bag and walked toward the airport.

I spied her through the glass, staring at the clock, and heard her relief that she'd seen the correct time. I walked toward her with a small grin. She waited until I was within ten feet of her and the launched herself into my arms. I couldn't help but laugh at her exuberance and indulged her by swinging her around in a full circle before setting her down. She had missed me and was happy to see me. The feeling was mutual.

She leaned away from me to see my face better and frowned a bit. She was surprised at how my appearance hadn't changed, I looked older.

"Alice, I haven't been here for thirty seconds, and already you're insulting my looks?"

She laughed and stepped out of my embrace. "I was just making an observation. You look like hell. How are you?"

It was my turn to laugh, but instead of amused, it came out bitter. "I'm the same as always."

She looked at me out of the corner of her eye as we walked to the car and started reciting the Korean alphabet.

"Funny, Alice. What are you hiding?"

She gave me her most innocent look. "Hiding? Not a thing. I'm just practicing my Korean, thinking of taking Jasper on a trip."

"Yeah right, little girl. I know you better than that, but I'll let it go for now."

I chose to ride it out and be amused by Alice's antics, well aware that her excuse of a trip to Korea was bullshit. The slight smile I gave her reminded her of happier times. A memory of me with Bella the summer before her birthday slipped into her thoughts, and although she wiped it away quickly, it was too late. The amusement changed to pain.

She gasped. I couldn't believe she'd done that.

"I'm sorry, Edward. I'll be more careful. It's very difficult not to remember the past when it obviously still affects you so much."

I nodded, my jaw clenched with tension. "It does, and I'll thank you not to make it harder."

The mood changed quickly. I tried to control it, but I could feel the anger roiling off me. Alice took a deep breath and started thinking of Korea again. I got a hold of myself and slowly the anger shifted into sadness. I felt destroyed. I knew it was a mistake to come back to my family. They wouldn't be able to stop their thoughts of Bella. They would constantly be making comparisons of the old, happy me, and the shell I felt like now, without her.

We came to the car, and I insisted on driving. She almost argued but then thought she needed to concentrate. She couldn't believe she'd slipped so easily after I arrived. I actually couldn't either; she didn't even make it five minutes.

She switched from Korean to movie quotes. We'd played this game many times, and she hoped it would lighten the mood. We would throw out quotes, and the other would have to guess the movie. I pulled onto the interstate and drove out of the city, where I could drive way faster than the speed limit through the winding roads surrounded by forests.

I listened to her thoughts but didn't indulge her in the game until she got silly, and I couldn't resist any longer.

"_Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim."_

The side of my mouth rose in a small smile I couldn't control, and I rolled my eyes at her.

"Easy, Alice. Finding Nemo." I waited for the next quote.

"_Houston, we have a problem." _

She looked over at me and raised my eyebrows, waiting for my answer.

"Apollo 13, but that quote is incorrect. Jim Lovell actually said 'Houston, we've had a problem'." I grinned at her.

"Yes, Mr. Know-it-all, I remember." She stuck her tongue out at me and continued.

"_I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way."_

"Who Framed Roger Rabbit – Stupid movie."

"_Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who tells you any different is selling something."_

I snorted as I took the curves of the road to the house effortlessly. I wouldn't even give that quote an answer. Why she and Rosalie loved that movie so much I would never understand.

"_I do not approve of your methods."_

I laughed at her. Now there was a good movie! I finished the quote.

"Yeah, well…you're not from Chicago_."_

We both laughed. It felt good to be with her. I hadn't realized how much I missed her. I had closed myself off for so long I forgot the feeling I had a lot of the time was a yearning for the connection I had with my family. They knew me.

"I have one for you." I didn't look away from the dark road, but I hoped to break the ice and get some answers before we arrived.

"What we've got here is a failure to communicate."

She brushed me away with her hand and looked away, out the window.

"Cool Hand Luke."

She knew what I was getting at and started listing quotes over and over in her head as a distraction from what she really wanted to think about. I tried to interrupt her thoughts.

"Alice, what are you hiding?"

"Nothing." She snapped at me. "It's personal. Just stay out." She furrowed her brows and concentrated even harder."

I felt my jaw clenching again. I hated not knowing what was going on. I knew I would find out soon, but I had a feeling I wasn't going to like it. I wondered if it was news about Bella. I bet it was. Alice probably found an announcement in the paper of her engagement, or marriage, or a birth of her first child. My stomach churned. That was it. They wanted to tell me together that she was finally out of my reach. It had been my choice to leave her and let her have a chance at a normal life, but the thought of her actually doing it made me want to curl up and die.

We pulled into the long drive that led to the house. Alice clasped my hand and gave it a squeeze. I tried to smile at her, but I saw in her thoughts that I only looked sad. I hesitated, laid my head back on the seat, because I suddenly felt exhausted and stuttered before I could get the words out. My voice was small and quiet.

"Do you see her, Alice?"

She played dumb in an attempt to not think her name, but it was too late. Just as the car pulled to a stop in front of the home, she showed me a vision of Bella, panicked, screaming in pain for me. She tried to wipe it away quickly, but I caught it and narrowed my eyes. I felt my whole body go rigid, my hands gripping the steering wheel hard enough to snap it in half if I hadn't let go. I was panicked.

"Alice—Alice? Please tell me she's not here."

I was out of the car and at her side in less than a blink of an eye. I pulled her out of the car. The panic inside of me was quickly replaced by anger. I grabbed the tops of her arms, and she let out a yell in surprise. Jasper was at our side in an instant. The look on his face was frightening.

"Welcome home, Edward. I would be obliged if you would let go of my lovely wife." His voice was cold as he spoke through his clenched teeth.

I looked down at my hands and released her slowly. I didn't even realize I'd grabbed her or had been holding her. I'd never put my hands on her before, but the urge to shake her was overwhelming.

Alice's thoughts were making me crazy.

_I can't believe how devastated he looks. Maybe Carlisle calling him home wasn't the right thing for him._

I pulled at my hair. No- this could _not_ be happening.

Alice wondered what my reaction to actually seeing her would be.

_If just knowing Bella is in the house is causing this amount of pain, what will happen when he finds out what she's gone through?_

I stood there clenching my fists. I could feel the veins in my neck standing out. Alice put her hands out to me, but Jasper stepped in between us and spoke softly.

"You need to calm down, so we can talk, Edward." I felt the calmness emanating from Jasper.

I squeezed my eyes shut. I leaned down and put my fisted hands on my knees, breathing hard and trying to fight against Jasper's calming effects. I wanted to hold on to the anger. The other emotions were too much and threatened to drown me. I stood and pulled my hair in frustration.

"Is she here?" I let go of my hair and put my hands out to him, pleading.

"Please tell me she isn't here." I was begging. Jasper kept trying to suppress my anger and panic, causing me to feel lost. I couldn't make sense of anything.

"Jasper, stop! I need to think."

Jasper apologized to me and slowed his manipulations but didn't stop them completely.

"She's here, but she's not well." Jasper put his hands out to stop me from coming at them. I felt violent, the fear overwhelming me. I left her to keep her safe. They promised me they wouldn't interfere!

I felt my fury bubble up, and I roared at them, bringing the rest of the family to the front porch.

"You don't know what you have done!"

I looked at Carlisle and paced in circles pulling at my face and hair. My voice became more frantic and loud. My vision was clouded red with rage. Esme moved to comfort me, but Carlisle stopped her from coming to me and approached cautiously.

"Edward—" I interrupted him. I could feel the stress in my tight shoulders and in my jaw. I started out quietly, trying to control myself, but by the time I finished my sentence I was yelling.

"I have spent the last four years separated from Bella, living each day aching for her. All to keep her safe, and now she's not only here in the midst of vampires, but I have lured Victoria and her little coven straight to her!"

Before they could stop me, I raced past Carlisle and slipped away before Emmett could get his arms around me. I jerked the door open so hard it came off the frame. It crashed to the ground with a loud bang.

The smell of Bella instantly came to me and almost drove me to the ground with longing. I followed the scent frantically and slammed the door open into the room she was in.

There she was. I couldn't believe it was her. I wanted to gather her in my arms and hold her forever. I wanted to tell her how much I loved her. I wanted to snatch her up and run as far away as possible; my need to protect her was engulfing every thought I had, until the anger came back when I felt my family's presence in the room.

Bella was on her knees reaching for me from the bed, a look of utter confusion on her face. Alice slipped around me and went to her side.

"E—E—E—Edward, you're here." Bella's eyes were filling with tears, and her face was transformed into a bright smile. "You're alive."

I almost went to her, but Jasper stepped in between us, and I saw red.

How dare he get close to her! This was his fault! I could smell her wonderful scent, and it made me unbearably thirsty. I knew he could smell her, too.

I turned from her and smashed the chair from the desk against the mirror above the dresser, shattering it. Bella screamed. Alice grabbed Bella to protect her, and Jasper put his arms around them both.

I felt crazed. "I don't want her here!" I yelled.

I couldn't express what I was feeling coherently. I yelled and yelled. The words too jumbled to make out.

"She can't be here!"

I pushed past Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie, and Emmett. I had to get out of there. How could this be? How could she be with them? I wanted her in Forks where she was safe. I ran past them all. I slammed through a glass door to the outside, smashing it into pieces. I grabbed the furniture and destroyed it with my hands. Anger was choking me. I vaulted over the deck and took off into the woods, demolishing everything in my path.

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><p><strong>xoxoxo<strong>

**I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Poor Edward :( Please please keep in mind that this story is labeled as angst. It's not ever going to be a fluffy story. That being said I will let you in on a secret- I'm a happily ever after kinda girl.**

**As always I have to thank Jessypt, not only for fixing my writing but for asking the necessary questions. How do vampires go through a body scanner in an airport without detection? The answer we liked best was chartering a private jet. Thanks to my husband for insisting it be a Cessna Citation. Someday when I am rich I will buy you one, my dear.**

**And seriously! Thank you for the reviews! I adore them. I haven't responded to all of them yet, but I will. I thought you would like Edward's chapter four days sooner. Thank you for putting my story on alert! Let me know what you are thinking!**

**I am on twitter- RachelMFZ follow me- I'll follow you and we can figure the thing out together.**

**And finally- Please go read the story note on my profile. **

**See you with Chapter 12 next Thursday!**


	12. Chapter 12 Hurt

**This was a tough chapter to write and may be hard to read. **

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><p><em>Chapter 12 Hurt<em>

_I hurt myself today_

_To see if I still feel_

_I focus on the pain_

_The only thing that's real_

_The needle tears a hole_

_The old familiar sting_

_Try to kill it all away_

_But I remember, everything_

_-Johnny Cash_

_Bella POV_

I woke up in my bed—alone; my head aching horribly. I sat up and pushed my ratty hair out of my face. The sudden movement made me dizzy. I put my foot on the ground to stop the room from spinning. I closed my eyes and swallowed trying to clear away the bad taste in my mouth. It tasted like I'd been chewing on old gym socks. I took a drink of water from the glass on my nightstand to try and wet my dry mouth. It was freezing in the house. I shivered from the cold and decided a bath would help warm me up and wash away the hangover feeling I had.

I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth, and I started the bath, watching the steam fill the bathroom, but something pricked at my brain. I shivered again. When I crawled out of bed I hadn't noticed I was only wearing the tank top and underwear I had on the day before. I wondered why I hadn't put pajamas on. I frowned at the total blankness I was experiencing. I looked at my reflection in the mirror – I looked horrible. I moved closer to get a better look. My eyes were swollen and had bags underneath them. I tried to rub away the bruises, then I shook my head trying to clear away the fog. Something wasn't right.

I turned the water off, went back into my room, and sat with my legs crossed against the iron headboard of my bed. I pulled the comforter up around my chin to stave off the cold feeling I had. I must have had an episode. That would explain the hangover. Carlisle must have had to medicate me.

It had been a while since I'd had any problems. I'd been taking meds religiously and had been doing so much better. I sat back and furrowed my brow. I was so woozy, but I tried picking through my fuzzy memories to recall what had happened. I didn't remember coming to bed, but I remembered going to my meadow.

Then it hit me.

Laurent.

I grabbed my stomach. The pain that hit me was unimaginable. It couldn't be true. It had to have been a nightmare. Something must have set me off; it had to have been a hallucination.

I closed my eyes as the memory cut through until it was all clear.

"Alice!" I yelled for her.

Please don't let it be true. Please Edward can't be dead. I begged God it wasn't true. I gathered the blanket in my fists and held them over my eyes wishing I hadn't remembered.

Laurent told me it was Victoria who killed my father. How could that be? Why would Victoria do that? I tried to understand why my father mattered to her. Edward killed James. Why didn't she just kill me? My father was innocent. The thought of it killed me. It was like he'd died all over again. I couldn't breathe from the grief inside me. My dad, now Edward? I held back the sobs, squeezing my eyes shut.

"Alice!" I yelled again. She usually came running when I called her. Someone was usually by my side after I'd had a bad night, but no one came when I called.

I rolled onto my side, pulling my legs up. I curled into a ball, trying to hold myself together. I shook my head.

"No!" I screamed. This couldn't be true. What I couldn't remember was why Laurent didn't kill me. I couldn't figure it out; all I could see in my head was my father's coffin and Edward.

Both of them gone forever.

I'd just made up my mind to go find some answers when I heard a crashing noise. Suddenly my bedroom door slammed opened scaring the hell out of me. I hid my face in the covers but quickly pulled them away when what I'd seen registered in my brain.

Edward.

Oh, thank God! The relief I felt was immense. He was here; he wasn't dead. I was confused. I blinked my eyes trying to clear them but realized he was really there in front of me. I wasn't seeing things.

I pulled up on my knees and reached for him, swiping away the tears that blurred his face. Alice came in the room with a wary look on her face and came to my side.

"E—E—E—Edward, you're here." My eyes kept filling with tears of relief. I smiled through them and reached for him. Just wanting to make sure he was real.

"You're alive."

Jasper stepped in between us, blocking my view of Edward, and I moved on the bed, so I could see him again.

Suddenly—if I had blinked I would have missed it—Edward grabbed the chair for the desk and flung it at the mirror over the dresser, smashing the chair and shattering the mirror. I instinctually ducked to protect myself and felt Alice and Jasper huddled over me doing the same.

I couldn't see his face, but I heard him screaming,

"I don't want her here!"

My heart fell. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. He yelled something more. The words too jumbled for me to make out.

I peeked my head out of the cocoon Alice had made around me and saw his face. He looked crazed, but I heard his words clearly.

"She can't be here!"

I closed my eyes and sagged back down to the bed. His words hit me. I heard the shuffle of people moving around and yelling, but I couldn't make sense of any of it.

He didn't want me here.

I heard Emmett yelling and the shattering of glass, but maybe it was really my heart breaking I heard. And then there was nothing but silence.

Like that, he was gone again.

I looked up at Alice and had to look away. She looked like she was going to cry. I had to stay calm. I couldn't fall apart. At least I finally knew how he truly felt. I took a deep breath.

Alice sat back down next to me.

"Oh, Bella, I'm so sorry. I tried to break the news you were here gently, but I couldn't. It was too hard to hide my thoughts from him. He freaked out."

She put her arms around me and rested her cheek on my head.

"Everyone went after him. They'll stop him and make him understand why you're here."

I didn't think it mattered why I was here. He didn't want me. She stopped rubbing my shoulder, and her eyes glazed over.

"He's not coming back."

She must have seen him make a decision. I swallowed hard past the lump building in my throat. I suddenly wanted to be alone

"You have to go after him, Alice. He belongs here. He's your family."

Even though I was filled with despair, I kept my voice calm and even.

"I'm fine. We'll work everything out when he calms down. Everything will be fine."

She should be comforting me, telling me everything would be fine, but I could see her inching away from me. It was obvious she wanted to go to him. She looked at me closely, searching my face. I waved her away.

Alice didn't spare me another glance before she flew through the door. I stared after her and was suddenly hit by a wave of pain unlike any I had ever felt before. Worse than when I thought he was dead.

I told her to leave, but it was one more blow to my fragile heart when she did. I barely had to work to convince her. Through all her talk of being there for me she showed me again where her true loyalties lie—with Edward.

They all claimed to love me, but no one looked back to see if I was okay before they ran after him. They had shown their true colors.

I curled up in a ball and held myself as tightly as I could. I held the oxygen in my lungs waiting for the burn of depravation, but all I felt was blackness taking over.

It was done. He truly didn't want me.

I'd envisioned our reunion so many times in the past four years, but never had I envisioned the hate I saw on his face. I knew he didn't want me when he left Forks. He'd told me that.

The small kernel of hope I'd felt these last few weeks was suddenly gone.

Everything was gone. There was nothing left.

Closure.

I finally had closure, no more wondering.

I staggered into the bathroom and started the bath again. The coldness permeated my soul, and I couldn't think beyond five seconds into my future.

I watched the water flowing into the tub and imagined that I'd cried enough tears to fill the bathtub to overflowing. No more would come. The steam swirled around the room again, and Edward's words swirled around my soul.

"_I don't want you here."_

His words echoed around the room as if he was still there yelling them with the hatred I'd heard. I covered my ears trying to block out the words. I turned toward the mirror. My chest was heaving as I drew in lungfuls of air. The longer I stood staring at my pitiful reflection in the mirror, the more I hated the pathetic being I had become.

I hated how weak I was. I was so sick of being poor, pathetic Bella.

I opened the medicine cabinet, searching frantically, for anything. I wanted something to numb what I was feeling.

I sat down hard on the floor, my hands in my hair.

I hated how I still craved drugs that wouldn't do anything to ease the pain inside me or fill the missing void.

I shook my head to try to clear it. I took a couple of deep breaths and pulled myself up.

Ahh! There was that face in the mirror again! I hated her! I grabbed my head trying to shake the image of Edward's demented face out of it and screamed.

"Ahhhhhh!"

I swiped my hand across the counter and knocked everything to the floor. Nothing broke, but I wanted to smash it all.

I wanted to smash everything. I slammed my fists against the granite until I felt the physical pain I wanted. I looked at my reflection, and my eyes looked dead. I slammed my hands against the mirror, shattering it. The spider web pattern blocked my face from sight.

The anger fled quickly and was replaced again by the blackness. I let my hands fall limply at my sides and shivered, from shock or cold, I didn't know which.

I didn't even bother to take my clothes off before I stepped into the water. It was so hot it scalded my skin, but I didn't care about the burn.

I liked the pain.

The water lapped at the edges of the tub, and I watched a few small drops roll over the edge and down the side of the tub. It looked like tears—tears I couldn't cry. I saw the water pooling on the floor and didn't even care enough to turn the water off.

I reached down and grabbed the mirrored plate off the floor that had held my toiletries. I leaned my head against the back of the tub and stared at the face in the mirror.

What was I looking for?

An answer?

The person staring back at me was nothing, a hollow, vacant, shell of a person, and in that instant, it finally hit me. My life was over. There was nothing left for me. No matter what, I still loved him, but he would never love me back.

I smashed the mirror against the edge of the tub and before I could even make a decision I sliced open my upper arm. The blood flowed like red ribbons down my skin, pulsing with the beat of my shattered heart. I grasped the piece of broken glass in my hand, struggling to keep a hold of it, slippery with my blood.

I watched my blood dripping into the water, curling into beautiful red ribbons, and I wanted more. I wanted it to be faster.

I lifted my leg out of the water and sliced the artery in my thigh. I dropped the glass in the water, closed my eyes, and pictured his face.

I touched my lips, smearing the metallic blood on them, tasting it.

"I love you, Edward."

I felt cold and then nothing.

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><p><strong>xoxoxo<strong>

**Suicide is not something I write about lightly. I'm sorry if I offended anyone. If you or someone you know is in a place where suicide seems like an answer please contact the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website at www (dot) suicidepreventionlifeline (dot) org **

**They can offer lifesaving information.**

**I'm going to go hide now.**

**Thanks Jessypt for being the best beta ever. Your work is much appreciated. Thanks for continually encouraging me. Thanks to all who took the time to write me a review and those who put me or my story on alert. I also again want to thank my husband- He is as invested in this story as I am!**

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight no copyright infringement intended.**


	13. Chapter 13 Untitled

**I want to thank at the top of this chapter my sisters-in-law Kapher and Alli. Kapher for the song. I swear to God my neighbors must think I want to kill myself with how many times I've had this song blaring. And Alli for reading my chapter and telling me she approves.** **Happy Birthday Alli!**

**I hope you like this chapter!**

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><p><em>Chapter 13- Untitled<em>

_Everybody's screaming_

_I try to make a sound but no one hears me_

_I'm slipping off the edge_

_I'm hanging by a thread_

_I wanna start this over again._

_So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered_

_And I can't explain what happened_

_And I can't erase the things that I've done_

_No I can't_

_-Simple Plan_

_Edward POV_

I vaulted over the deck railing and just ran. I could only think one thing—no.

No No No No No!

Anything in my path was obliterated when I used my fist, trying to release some of the overwhelming anger that choked me. I couldn't focus on where I was going. Everything was a blur. I must have run fifty miles before I came to a sudden stop. I had no clue where I had run.

I could only see her face.

The face I had wanted to see for four years. I couldn't process a thing. My brain was messed up. I couldn't put two thoughts together. I looked up at the sky, digging my fingers into the sides of my face, hoping for some clarity, but all I could see was her face.

I didn't hear or even sense that I'd been followed. I was lost in the vacuum of pain, and when I felt a hand on my shoulder, I crumbled. I fell to my knees in the damp grass and grabbed my hair. Esme wrapped her arms around me as I rocked back in forth. I took deep breaths and tried to get myself under control. I looked up at my family surrounding me. God, I had missed them so much. I should have felt joy, but I couldn't. I was beyond bewildered.

"Why?" I begged quietly speaking to myself.

They knew my wishes. They had promised me they would never interfere in Bella's life. I felt betrayed. I had suffered her absence to keep her safe, and it was all for nothing. I heard Alice approaching. I pulled out of Esme's embrace and stood to face her. My mind had been too loud in its own voice to hear the thoughts around me, but Alice's thoughts came through.

Hers were so loud they blocked mine out. The glare in her eyes was filled with pure hatred. Her shoulders were stiff, her fists held tightly at her sides. When she finally spoke she did so through clenched teeth.

"How could you be so stupid?"

I narrowed my eyes and came to my full height, leaning toward her.

"What do you mean? How could you betray me this way? I asked you to leave her alone."

Alice continued to stare at me, and then I saw it. I saw it all replayed in her thoughts. A wave of pain hit me dead center in the chest when I saw Bella convulsing on the floor and Bella's devastation. Everyone showed me different scenes.

_I saw the bruises. I saw the needles. I saw her tears._

_Her beautiful face and soft body nothing but skin and bones._

_Her agreeing to give her body for drugs._

_Her begging Carlisle on her knees for drugs, desperate for something to numb her pain._

_Screaming my name as she fought against Emmett's hold, yelling I hate you over and over again._

_Her rocking back and forth in a corner, crying and begging me to come back._

_Her hopelessly begging them to let her die. _

_The devastating vision of her in the grips of withdrawal._

_On and on and on._

I must have staggered, but Emmett was there to support me. I heard someone gasping for air and realized it was me. I closed my eyes and tried to catch my breath, but Alice was relentless. I held my hand out to her.

"Stop- please stop," I pleaded as I looked in her eyes. She wasn't angry anymore; she was desperate for me to understand.

"She would have died, Edward. She did die. She died right there in that crappy house surrounded by trash with a needle in her arm, abandoned by the scum that helped her along. I will never apologize for betraying you. You're not the wronged party here. That girl is." She pointed toward the house.

I couldn't believe what I saw in her thoughts. How could this have happened? I looked around and found Carlisle standing tensely off to the side.

"Is it true?" I begged in my mind for him to say no.

"Yes, son, it is. Bella has been very sick."

I closed my eyes and was engulfed by the most agonizing regret I had ever felt in my life. I listened to my whole family. Their thoughts were only of her—a girl I didn't even recognize. I tried to follow their thoughts, but I was shattered. I collapsed on the ground and cried great sobs that threatened to engulf me. I wished I could release my pain in actual tears, but it was impossible.

Esme knelt down next to me and put her arm around my shoulder pulling me close,; her hand running across my back, trying to comfort me, until I was able to breathe again.

"It's not your fault, Edward. You couldn't have known she would end up like this."

Carlisle sat on the grass, as well.

"She's better now. She's stronger, but Alice is right. We had to save her. I couldn't have lived with the thought of her dead."

I nodded and pulled myself up. They were right. I wasn't responsible for the drugs, but I was responsible for the pain. I told her I didn't want her. I stood up, my knees weak, and looked around at each of my siblings. Their faces all reflected their thoughts.

Emmett was mad at me. He kept thinking of how stupid I was.

Rosalie was also mad. She looked at me and thought—_Stop being such a little emo bitch and go to her._

I was an emo bitch. All I thought about when I ran out of the house was myself. I caught Jasper's eye and whispered, "I'm sorry."

His mind carried such a weight of guilt. None of this was his fault either. I made the decisions four years ago. It was entirely mine.

I saw Alice and realized that everyone was out here with me, and Bella had been left alone. Then I realized what I said when I saw her face. I bent down, my hands on my knees. I told her I didn't want her. All I wanted to do was gather her in my arms and hold her, love her. But no, I had to be stupid. It all came out wrong. I wanted her! I wanted her more than I had ever wanted anything in my life.

Alice was right. How could I have been so stupid? I pulled myself upright, my hand on my stomach. I felt sick. I turned to go back to the house when I heard Alice scream and take off running. I followed instantly with no thought and saw why she screamed.

_Tears Water Blood Death_

I overtook Alice and flew through the hole in the side of the house that used to be a door. The smell of blood hit me as soon as I was close, and venom filled my mouth to choking. Her scent was so strong. I took a deep breath, savoring the scent for a fraction of a second.

I opened the door to her room, and when I stepped in my feet made a sucking noise on the wet carpet. I glanced down, and the carpet was soaked with red tinged water. The door to the bathroom was locked. I pushed the door open, and there was a sight that will forever be burned into my eyes.

The ghostly pale face of my only love, my only reason for existing, floating in a bathtub filled with blood.

I pulled her out of the crimson water and laid her on the wet floor. She was covered in blood. She was unconscious.

"No. Bella," I whispered in shock. Why would she do this?

Her hair was tangled around her upper body. I brushed the wet ends away and saw the gash on her arm. I put my hand around it to stop the flow. Carlisle moved to the other side of her, slipping on the wet floor and catching himself on the wall.

Carlisle spoke to me, but I didn't hear him. Bella's eyes fluttered open. She saw my face and looked away, losing consciousness again.

"Edward, let me see her."

I let go of her arm to turn her face back toward me. I had gone too long without seeing her face.

"Bella, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it." I hoped she could hear me.

I heard the gasp from somewhere behind me—Alice. Dark, red blood was flowing out of her arm with every heartbeat. The gash was deep and open.

Carlisle swiped away the blood on her leg with his hand and asked for some towels. The cut there was deep as well; the blood flow only a trickle.

"She severed the arteries." His voice was filled with horror. "I need some towels. Esme, please get my bag from downstairs."

I could sense my family around me, but I didn't look at them. Alice was kneeling at Bella's feet. Esme left the room and came back with towels and Carlisle's bag.

Bella's face was marred by blood coating her lips. I gently wiped the blood away and saw how colorless they were except for the ring of blue around the edges. Already her body was suffering from a loss of oxygen. We were too late. I could hear her heart beating, but it was fast and erratic. Carlisle was working around me, but I couldn't pay attention. I just kept staring at her pale face.

I heard Rosalie behind me.

"I can't stay."

She and Emmett left the room. I understood. The scent of blood was overwhelming. Jasper followed after them. I realized I was in shock.

"Edward, we need to decide what to do. She's lost a lot of blood."

There was no doubt in my mind what we needed to do.

"Save her. We have to save her." I couldn't look away from her.

"You could change her."

I heard Alice say that, and I lashed out at her, pushing her away from Bella.

"No! She is not going to become one of us. I forbid it."

I looked over at Carlisle, firm in my belief we could save her. "Let's do this."

I'd never seen Carlisle look so serious.

"She's in hypovolemic shock, Edward. She's lost too much blood. I don't think we _can_ save her. I don't even think we can get her to a hospital in time."

"We have to try!" I yelled at him. The thought that we couldn't was unacceptable.

Carlisle took a deep breath. His mind focused on what we would need to do to save her.

"Okay, we need to move her downstairs. I have some blood in my lab, but it may not be enough. I was prepared for any eventuality when I first brought Bella here. Hopefully the supplies I gathered are enough."

I scooped Bella up and ran to the basement. Carlisle had a lab down there where he did his research. I'd never been in there, but if it was as well equipped as the one in Forks, we would be ok. We could do it.

Carlisle turned the lights on, and in the brightness of the room Bella looked even paler than she did upstairs. Carlisle swiped the stuff that he had on the center countertop off onto the floor, and I laid Bella on the table. The coldness of the surface must have startled Bella because she cried out.

"Shh. It's ok." I comforted her while I put an oxygen mask on her face.

"Edward, can you put this line in while I start stitching these wounds. We need to get fluid in her right now. Use the Lactated Ringer I have in the cabinet over there."

He pointed to the cabinet above the sink. I moved quickly, and even though it had been years since I'd been in medical school, I inserted the line in her other arm as quickly as a seasoned doctor and started transfusing the blood and fluid.

Carlisle cleaned the blood from around the horrible cut and injected her with a local anesthetic. He started repairing the damaged artery in her leg. His speed was astonishing, and I wondered how he kept his pace normal in the hospital. He moved on to her arm, but had more trouble. The smaller artery made for a more delicate repair. He was almost finished when Bella's heartbeat slowed.

Alice was panicked, her voice rising. "Change her. It's the only hope." I quickly glanced at her, afraid to take my eyes off Bella for one second. She was in a ball against the wall holding her head. "I can't see her, Edward!" I shook my head at her.

Carlisle stopped his surgery and opened a cabinet pulling out a vial of medicine and a syringe. He injected Bella.

"Dopamine." He answered my questioning glance.

Her heart started beating faster. I squeezed the fourth, and last, bag of blood through the IV, hoping it would be enough.

"Carlisle, what else can I do?"

He finished sewing the arteries and bandaged her up. He put a blanket over her and checked her vitals. He shook his head at me.

"Her blood pressure's too low. Edward, I don't have enough blood, and I don't have the capability to do any more here. Even if I could, she's faced with organ failure, heart attack, and brain damage."

He looked hopeless. He brushed Bella's hair out of her eyes. "I'm sorry—to both of you. I could have prevented this."

I heard her heart slowing. For a fraction of a second I waited, unable to believe he couldn't save her."

"No, I can't give up." I said this to Carlisle.

I leaned down to Bella, my hand pressed against her neck feeling her pulse, the only proof she was still here.

"Please, baby. Come back to me. I love you so much. Please, Bella!" I pleaded with her while she slipped away. "I didn't mean what I said. I do want you. I need you. You have to fight."

I could feel the weakening of her pulse. It was a matter of minutes before she would be gone. I looked up at Carlisle. I knew what he had to do.

"Change her."

He shook his head. "Edward, she wouldn't want that. It kills me to say this, but you have to let her go."

I yelled at him. "I said change her!"

I looked at her face and couldn't stand the thought of living without her again. She was everything to me.

"It's my choice! Change her!" I was getting frantic. Her heart was getting weaker and weaker. I squeezed the bag of fluid praying it would make a difference even though I know it wouldn't.

"Bella isn't the same person you knew. She's depressed and angry—damaged, and she doesn't want to live. She could be a great danger to us and to others."

I didn't believe him. Bella had only good in her. I refused to believe she could be dangerous as a vampire. I leaned over her and kissed her lips. Carlisle put his hand on my chest to stop me, but I shook it off.

I stood up and ran my hands through my hair. I knew what I wanted. I braced myself and looked at Alice.

"Help me stop if I can't."

She was terrified but nodded.

In a move that was as gentle as a kiss, I bit Bella's neck; the taste of her blood was heaven. Carlisle put his hand on my shoulder, but I didn't hesitate. I bit her on each of her pulse points; her arms, her legs. I started pumping her heart trying to move the venom through her body. I lost track of time as I prayed and begged God to let me keep her. I was so set on making sure her heart kept beating I didn't hear the change. Carlisle put his hands on top of mine.

"Listen, Edward."

I felt so much relief I almost fell to my knees.

I heard her heart.

A strong heart.

A changing heart.

* * *

><p><strong>xoxoxo<strong>

**Thanks Jessypt for making this pretty! Thanks to all who read and put the story or me on alert! Many thanks to those who review! Your feedback helps me so much! A special shout out to Bamagal110 for calling Edward an Emo Bitch. I stole that from you! Thanks, it fit perfectly!**

**Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer- no copyright infringement intended.**

**In physiology and medicine, **hypovolemia** is a state of decreased blood volume; more specifically, decrease in volume of blood plasma. The condition I stated above is considered Stage 4 hypovolemic shock. I am not a doctor. I used research, as accurately as possible, to describe how Carlisle and Edward tried to save Bella. In the situation above it is quite unlikely, even if they had gotten her to a hospital, that Bella would have survived.**

**Now if I accidentally fall and nick an artery the police will read my internet history, ask my neighbors about my song choices, and declare my accidental death a suicide. Ugh!**


	14. Chapter 14 Hate Me

_Chapter 14- Hate Me_

_And then I fell down yelling make it go away_

_Just make her smile come back and shine just like it use to be_

_And then she whispered _

_How could you do this to me?_

_Hate me today_

_Hate me tomorrow_

_Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you_

_-Blue October_

**_Edward POV_**

"_Edward, listen."_

_I felt so much relief I almost fell to my knees._

_I heard her heart._

_A strong heart._

_A changing heart._

Bella's heartbeat grew stronger. The sound of the change taking hold in her body brought me an immediate sense of relief.

I did it. I saved her.

I leaned down and kissed Bella's lips. They tasted like blood. I closed my eyes, savoring the flavor. I had fought to overcome the temptation of her blood for so long, and I would never have to fear a loss of control again. I cupped my hand around her face, twining her soft hair in my fingers, and swept my thumb over her soft cheek. I rested my forehead against hers, breathing in her scent.

Her lips were still a bluish color that almost matched the bruises under her eyes, and her skin was cool to the touch. I had craved her touch for four years, and regardless of the circumstances, I had her in my arms once again. I vowed at that exact moment to never let her slip through my hands again. I must have said it out loud, because Carlisle chose that moment to remind me of the horror I had caused. His voice quiet, but accusing.

"I can't believe you did this."

I released my hold on Bella and stood up, running my hand down her arm and took hold of her hand. I met his eyes. The look in them diminished a bit of my joy; they looked tortured.

"She didn't want this."

Carlisle sat in a chair and rubbed his forehead with both hands, shaking his head back and forth. He pounded his fist on the desk, breaking the top in an uncharacteristic show of anger—all self-directed.

"I never should have left her. I knew how fragile she was—how devastated she would be by your reaction, but I left her alone."

He pushed himself up from his chair and started pacing the room.

"I know you've seen my memories of Bella, but I don't think it can compare to what I've been experiencing with her."

He stood over Bella, his thoughts filled with shame and grief. He tucked some of her hair behind her ear, and then crossed over to the sink and wet a towel. He brought it over to Bella and began to wash away the blood on her face, revealing a face that was harder, somehow, than I remembered.

"She's not the same girl you knew, Edward." I took the cloth from his hands, wanting to be the one to take care of her. "She's been severely depressed, and as you know, this wasn't her first attempt at suicide." He sighed. "I'm very afraid of her reaction. When she found out we saved her before, she went crazy."

I ran warm water and made sure the temperature was comfortable for her. I pulled the blanket away to clean the blood off her arm. The gash, stitched with black thread, was ugly against her smooth skin. It emphasized Carlisle's point that Bella was different. The Bella I knew would never have given up so easily. I gently scrubbed her arm, erasing the blood. Carlisle stood watching me and continued.

"When you become a vampire, you bring over the best and the worst from your human life. What you _were_ is essentially amplified. My biggest worry is that Bella will carry over the depression and anger. She didn't want to live out her natural life, eighty years or so, and now she will be immortal. I don't know how she will accept it." Carlisle sat back down in the chair, his head in his hands.

I finished cleaning her arm, listening to Carlisle. I understood what he said about bringing over your human qualities to your vampire life, but I couldn't picture anything but the Bella in my memories—sweet, loving, smart, brave. She'd wanted this once. She'd wanted to be with me forever. I would make her understand how wrong I was and how sorry I was to have hurt her.

I held her hand in mine, remembering how wonderful it felt when she touched me. Her nails were covered in blood, and it had soaked into her cuticles. No matter how much I rubbed I couldn't remove it. I became frantic to eliminate the proof of her devastation. I scrubbed and scrubbed, but it wouldn't disappear. Alice came up behind me and spoke quietly. I was so lost in Bella I hadn't realized she was still in the room.

"I'll do it, Edward."

I held onto Bella's hand for a minute, not wanting to let go of it. Then I nodded and swallowed hard. My throat suddenly felt very full. The relief I'd felt over saving her was rapidly being replaced by the realization of what I had done. I hadn't thought for one second about what Bella wanted. I made the decision for me.

I gently pulled back the blanket covering her leg and wiped away the blood there. With each swipe I cursed myself for what I had done. I had cursed Bella to a life I never wanted for her. I froze over her, my head bowed, my shoulder taut with self-hatred.

How could I be so selfish?

I looked up at Alice, lovingly cleaning Bella's nails. She met my eyes, and I couldn't resist asking her a question I wasn't entirely sure I wanted an answer to.

"Is everything going to be okay?"

Her eyes became very guarded. I read her thoughts, and I wasn't reassured.

"I don't know."

But she did know. She saw Bella angry, exactly like Carlisle was afraid of, she saw her leaving.

I fought against the pain her vision caused me and squeezed my eyes shut, as if I could block out what I saw in her mind.

"I love her, Alice. I can't live without her."

Alice nodded her eyes sad. "I know you do. My only hope is that I know she can't live without you either. That's why we're standing over her right now."

Alice was in pain, as well. She knew deep inside her that Bella wouldn't forgive her this time.

We finished up quietly with Carlisle watching us. Alice left the room with one last touch to Bella's cheek, apologies filling her head. Carlisle seemed to have pulled himself together. I glanced at his face and wondered aloud.

"Why is she so still?" I became worried. "Shouldn't she be in pain?" I didn't want that, but that's how it always worked before.

"Listen to her heart; it's so strong. I don't know why she's not in pain, but I'm glad. I want her suffering to be over. I don't want to see her in pain anymore."

Carlisle tucked the blanket tightly around her. "Just like you're my son, Bella is my daughter. I love her, too, Edward, and I can't see my children suffering and not feel the hurt myself. Let's be happy she's not in pain right now, because I'm sure it won't last."

I was happy she wasn't suffering because of the change. I just wanted some assurance it had worked.

Carlisle wanted to talk to me more, but I put my hand up to stop him.

"Can I be alone with her, please?"

He hesitated but nodded, put his hand on my shoulder, gave it a squeeze, and left the room, closing the door gently behind him.

I must have stood by Bella for hours, replaying all my memories of her. She was so still. I knew the pain had to be horrific, but she hadn't moved. Maybe I'd been too late. I found myself praying to God, something I hadn't done in decades. I prayed she would be okay. Even if she chose to leave me I just wanted her to be okay.

As if my prayers had been answered Bella moved, first her fingers twitched in my hand and then her eyes fluttered. I was so thankful but then the screaming started. I tried to comfort her.

"It's okay, baby. It'll be over soon."

Her eyes were wide open but unseeing. She began writhing against the pain, her teeth clenched so tightly I could hear them grinding together. I felt helpless. Carlisle must have heard her screams and came into the room with Esme and Alice close behind.

Alice put her arms around me, trying to comfort me, but it was no use. I couldn't stand seeing Bella in pain this way. Carlisle came and stood next to me, watching Bella try and fight the pain.

"Why don't you take a break?" he suggested. I shook my head.

"I can't leave her."

"Just step away for a while. We we'll sit with her."

Bella let out a piercing scream, and it struck me like lightening. I didn't want to leave, but all of a sudden I couldn't stay. Guilt was choking me. I backed out of the room and closed the door behind me. I slid down the wall next to it, burying my head in my knees. I sat there and listened to Bella fighting the change I had forced on her.

Hours, or maybe days later, I had lost all sense of time listening to her suffering; I finally moved away from the door, stumbled up the stairs, and went outside. I gripped the railing in my hands and pulled in a cleansing breath. The sun was setting behind me, and the purple light surrounding me worked as a balm for the self-hatred inside. I knew it was too late for regret. I needed to accept what was and be there for Bella when she woke up. I sat down hard in one of the chairs, tired from the stress.

I wrapped my hand around my face, my forefinger and thumb pressing mercilessly into my temples. My head was so full of emotions it ached. I rubbed my hand down my face and leaned forward in the chair, resting my head in my hands.

Emmett sat down in the chair next to me. We hadn't had a chance to talk at all. He cracked his knuckles, and I cringed when he thought he'd really like to punch me.

"You look like hell."

I didn't glance over at him, but I answered. "This surprises you?"

Emmett laughed, the sound hollow without a single touch of his usual humor.

"What the hell, Edward?"

I knew what he was asking; it was plain in his thoughts, but I had no excuse for my reaction to finding out Bella was here. They may not blame me for the drugs, but they sure as hell blamed me for her suicide. I blamed myself. How stupid could I have been? I kept my head in my hands and made fists in my hair.

Emmett sat back and rested his head on the back of the chair. I sat back, as well, and we silently stared at the sky as the stars started coming out, until I became uncomfortable with his thoughts. It was impossible for any of them to not think of the wreck Bella had been.

"I thought I was protecting her," I said quietly in my defense.

He rolled his head my way. "Yeah, well, it didn't work out that way. Did it?"

"No—but Emmett, I never thought she would react so badly. I thought she would get over me. I never imagined she would fall into a human world as dangerous as ours." I closed my eyes and covered them with my hand before continuing quietly.

"Was she really found in a place as bad as you showed me?" The day they found her popped back in his head, and I reeled forward in pain.

"Oh, God." I wrapped my arms around my stomach.

"It was probably worse, Edward. We were so worried about getting her out of there alive we didn't check it out that well. I know she was with some dangerous people."

I became more distressed. I appreciated the thoughts of violence towards those people in Emmett's head, though.

"No matter how guilty you feel for her state you have to know you aren't responsible. Don't you? Bella accepts that she made those decisions on her own."

I did feel guilt though. It filled me. Emmett continued.

"If Charlie hadn't died she probably would have made it, but his death destroyed her. If anyone is to blame it's Victoria. I'll relish being able to murder that bitch."

I heard a shadow of my old friend in those words. It had been hard listening to the blame in my family's thoughts. The guilt I alone felt was overwhelming, but their censure was worse. I knew Emmett was right. I wasn't directly responsible for her choices, but I was guilty of leaving her and of changing her without her consent.

I never wanted it to be like this. It wasn't easy to leave. It was harder to stay away, but I only did it to protect her. That failure would stay with me forever.

"Carlisle thinks she's going to resent me for having changed her." I was reluctant to put Alice's words out there, but I did. My voice so low it was barely a whisper. "Alice sees her leaving."

Emmett shrugged. He didn't know how she would react.

"The only thing I do know with any certainty is that Bella's unpredictable. We've seen that over and over again since we brought her home. Most days I don't think she knows how to feel, but somehow you both need to find a way to put it all behind you. It may never be the same, but you love her, don't you?"

"Of course I love her. I never stopped."

"Yeah, well I'd bet everything I own she loves you, too. The real issue is whether she'll accept that you love her. She may not believe you. She may never trust you."

His words turned me to ice. What if she couldn't trust me? What if she wouldn't allow me to explain?

What if she didn't care?

"Look Edward—I'm going to be straight with you—I've been your brother for seventy-five years, but if you hurt her again I guarantee you'll never escape me. I'll never stop making you pay. This is your one chance. If you can't promise me that, then leave now, and Rose and I will do everything in our power to help her heal."

Emmett meant every word. I knew deep in my heart I could never hurt her again. The memory of those four desolate years was burned in my brain. I could never live without her. That thought alone threatened to destroy me.

"I promise." I looked over at him, hoping he could see the fervent promise in my eyes.

"I don't know how to live without her."

I sat outside alone until the ache to see Bella threatened to overwhelm me. I had condemned her to become a vampire, and I owed it to her to be there by her side. I owed her a lot more than that, but I at least needed her to know I was there and always would be, whether she was aware of it or not.

I slipped into the room quietly. Bella was still, but her entire body was stiff with the pain. I stood next to Esme who was sitting on a stool near the head of the table. Either she or Alice had changed Bella's clothes and finished cleaning her up. Some of the color had returned to her lips, and that alone made me feel better about my doubts that I had been too late.

I stared at Bella's face. She was so beautiful. I still couldn't believe how badly I'd messed up. Bella may never forgive me, and I came to accept that as I had sat staring up at the stars. How could I expect her forgiveness when I would never forgive myself? I was essentially a murderer.

Esme clasped my hand in hers and gave me a gentle tug, wanting my attention. I was terrified to look at her—afraid of what I would see in her eyes. I tried to block out her thoughts as well, but it was too hard.

"_Everything will be fine."_

Esme's thoughts were always exceptionally kind. She loved me, and I loved her as if she were my biological mother. I shook my head.

"I'm afraid of losing her forever," I admitted truthfully.

Bella's eyes came wide open when I spoke, as if she recognized my voice.

In that moment before her mind told her all wasn't right with her body, she looked at me, her eyes clear. She reached her hand out to me and cried out in pain. Seeing her in pain tore at me. I winced, remembering the torture I felt when Carlisle changed me. I gently held her hand, not wanting to cause her any more agony.

"Bella, I know your pain is great. It's almost over. I'm so sorry." I pulled her hand to my lips and kissed her palm.

She let out an earth-shattering scream and pulled her hand away, twisting her body sideways in an attempt to escape the pain. Esme stepped out of the way, and I pulled Bella back down to the table. She flung out her hands at me, pushing against my chest with a strength I'd never felt from her.

She arched her back away from the pain that was making her an animal. I lifted her to my chest and held her close, whispering anything I could think of to calm her. I was afraid she was going to hurt herself. In the times I had witnessed a change, Rosalie's and Emmett's, it hadn't been like this. They hadn't fought like Bella was now, but I didn't give up. I held her close until she calmed again. I knew the pain hadn't stopped, but she had lost consciousness again.

…And so continued the pattern for two long days.

I never left her side again. My family came and went, supporting me by removing the blame from their thoughts. It was still there, but they didn't use it as a means to hurt me. As the change drew to completion I started experiencing a nervousness I'd never experienced before. I heard her heartbeat begin to pick up and called my family. Everyone wanted to be there when she was reborn into immortality. I appreciated their support, whether it was for her or me.

I was watching Bella closely, waiting for her to open her eyes, when her fingers twitched.

"She moved." Alice interrupted the silence. "It won't be long now."

I nodded. A fleeting thought came to mind that I couldn't stay, but I gathered all the courage I had. I was under no illusion this was going to be easy for Bella—or me for that matter. All I knew was that I loved her with every inch of my being and I was willing to do whatever I had to do to convince her of that truth.

Bella's heart started pounding out a furious beat, and her back arched up off the table as if her heart was being pulled out. And then it stopped.

Silence.

No one moved. We all waited for Bella to open her eyes, but she didn't open them right away. In fact, she squeezed them shut even tighter. I had hoped that once she was changed I would be able to read her thoughts, but I couldn't.

Carlisle touched my arm propelling me forward. I stepped closer to her and reached out gingerly to touch her arm, afraid of frightening her.

"_She's aware. Say something—anything."_

His thoughts came through clearly, but my mouth was suddenly dry, and I couldn't. Carlisle came up beside me and simply said her name. She jerked in response but didn't open her eyes. I couldn't resist touching her any longer. I reached out and ran my finger down her arm with the slightest touch I could.

Bella gasped and vaulted up off the bed, scaring me with the unexpected movement. She went into a defensive crouch and backed up into the wall, her eyes still shut tightly. Carlisle tried to reassure her.

"Bella, I know this feels very confusing, but you're okay. You're safe."

Bella opened her eyes and instantly met mine. They were so red they glowed. I reached out my hand for her. She backed up even further and looked around frantically. I stepped closer, getting ready to take her in my arms and tell her I loved her.

"Bella-."

She let out a screech. "Nooo!"

She slammed her hands against the wall and ran past Emmett. Before he could stop her, she busted the door open and skidded over the pieces of broken door in her haste to escape.

The look of hatred on her face before she ran out washed over me and felt heavy on my shoulders. I leaned my arms on the table and hung my head. My jaw felt tight. I could hear the others yelling in their thoughts for me to react.

I knew deep in the pit of my stomach that I'd her hurt her too much for her to ever want me again, but I also knew no matter how much she hated me I couldn't let her walk out of my life without a fight. I loved her and would go to the ends of the earth to prove my love to her, even if it took forever.

And without a second thought, I ran after her.

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><p><strong>xoxoxo<strong>

**Tune in next week...Bella wakes up.**

**A million thanks to Jessypt! Thanks for letting me second guess myself! I like the ending so much more! BTW- If you aren't reading Jessypt's Winter Song to do it now! I LOVE her story! (I love everything she writes- I am so lucky she's helping me!)**

**Thank you so much for the reviews! I post a chapter and wait with bated breath to see what you think. Let me know?**

**Thank you also to those who have put me on alert! Put me on author alert! No promises, but I may have a couple of things posted soon.**

**As we all know Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I just play with her amazing characters.**

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	15. Chapter 15 Untitled 2

**It's later than usual, but it's still Tuesday! Happy Valentines Day! "I got nuttin' but love for you, baby" -Heavy D**

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><p><em>Chapter 15 Untitled 2<em>

_I open my eyes_

_I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light_

_I can't remember how_

_I can't remember why_

_I'm lying here tonight_

_And I can't stand the pain_

_And I can't make it go away_

_No I can't stand the pain_

_-Simple Plan_

_._

_Bella POV_

Pain… hot… hotter…burning!

Screams_. Were they coming from me?_

_I am in hell._

_This must be hell._

I couldn't move my body, but then I guess you can't bring your body through to death.

Only your soul.

My soul was burning, and would burn forever for taking my own life.

The invisible flames licked at my skin, dragging screams from my lips. The demons called my name and tried to pull me in, but I wasn't ready to submit. I fought them with everything I had.

Time stopped existing.

I burned and burned and burned.

At some point the pain changed. I was able to focus on it. I tried to understand what was happening, but I couldn't.

My heart pounded out a furious beat.

Boom. Boom. Boom.

My heart?

That made no sense.

Wasn't my heart with my body?

The flames intensified again, and I heard screams. They were mine. Screaming didn't change the pain, so I stopped.

I pulled a deep breath into my lungs.

Breath. Breathing?

Maybe my body was here. I mentally took an inventory, but the pain was so intense I was afraid to move—afraid to draw the devil's attention to me. I couldn't help it, it hurt so bad I moved my finger, and searing pain whipped through me.

"She moved." The voice was familiar, female, but I couldn't place it. "It won't be long now."

What won't be long now?

Nothing made sense. I guess that was what hell was about – total mental and physical torture. It wasn't supposed to be picnics and rainbows.

My heart pounded louder, the noise deafening in my ears.

The pain in my chest burned hotter but began to slowly move away from the tips of my fingers and toes.

I found a new ability to set aside the pain and instead focused on a memory of the life I'd given up.

My dad. Even in the afterlife, I wouldn't get to see him again. He was too good for hell. I was sorry I would never avenge his death.

My mom. Would they tell her I was gone or let her wonder forever?

Edward. With each heartbeat, his beautiful face flashed before me.

And I felt nothing.

Finally nothing.

At least in hell I couldn't torture myself with the stupid hope he would love me. His brand of pain couldn't touch me here.

I made a fist. I moved my foot.

"Ahhhhh!" I heard the screams ripped from my throat. More pain. Intense pain.

My stomach.

My neck.

My ribs.

Burning.

My Heart!

Pound – Pound – Pound.

The beating became faster and faster, like a helicopter taking off. The harder it beat the more it hurt.

I felt my chest rising as if my heart was being pulled out.

I arched away from the pain, but there was no escape.

And then… nothing.

It all stopped.

No pain. No heartbeat.

I could hear a buzzing sound, maybe from electricity?

I heard the sound of breaths being drawn in and let out.

I heard the rustling of what sounded like leaves and birds chirping.

I instinctually knew I could move my body, but I didn't.

Who would be there to meet me when I opened my eyes?

Hell's demons? The devil prepared to sentence me to hell for taking my own life?

"Bella."

I tensed up. I knew that voice and was more confused than ever.

Why was Carlisle in hell?

I felt the touch of warm skin on my arm and jumped straight up. I spun away from the hand and flattened my palms against a hard surface. A wall?

I heard my breath coming fast in panic. I squeezed my eyes shut tighter and mentally prepared myself for the inevitable.

Don't be a coward.

I opened my eyes and met his. Edward. He reached for me, and I backed away from him and looked around. Why was he here? My brain seemed to be going in all different directions. Nothing made sense.

I looked to my left, Emmett and Jasper were standing, muscles tensed, as if prepared to defend the others.

Alice's small face peeked between their shoulders, smiling expectantly at me. Esme looked nervous, standing behind Carlisle. Her hands wrapped around his upper arms. Rosalie was there but looked bored.

I brought my eyes back to Carlisle.

"Bella, I know this feels very confusing, but you're okay. You're safe."

It_ was_ confusing. I tried to figure out what the hell was going on. I remembered cutting myself. I had felt my life slipping away. I had said goodbye!

I had burned in hell.

I looked at Edward, his eyes full of concern.

Then it hit me.

I wasn't dead.

He reached for me. "Bella-."

"Nooo!"

A scream ripped from my throat as I lost it.

I was a vampire.

I ran past Emmett, who had no chance to stop me, out the door, slamming it so hard it smashed into splinters that skidded across the floor. I slipped on the pieces trying to get as far away from Edward as I could.

I was so lost. I didn't know where I was. I found a set of stairs and followed them up to the main floor of the house. I ran past the piano and opened the door to the outside, intending to run as far away as I could, but the scents around were overwhelming. My throat burned.

I wrapped my hands around my neck and hesitated on the deck. I couldn't run. What if I came across a human? I felt like a cartoon mouse running left and right trying to find my hole. I needed safety. I turned and hesitated before I went back into the house and saw the Cullens, all watching me.

I didn't know what to say.

What could I say?

Alice came forward before Jasper pulled her back behind him. I felt my blood boiling. We'd been here before. She knew I didn't want to be saved! She knew it and had let Carlisle change me anyway.

I felt my knees go weak. I had wanted this at one point. I had begged to be changed when we were back in Forks. I had wanted nothing more than to spend my life with Edward, to be a part of this family forever, but he had never wanted me that way. I realized his reticence then was really him not being able to say he didn't want me forever. I shook the thought away.

I put my hands up and quickly ran past everyone toward my room. Edward jumped in my way. He was too close. I closed my eyes and backed away from him. I couldn't do it. I couldn't talk to him. I felt anger boiling up inside me again. He gave me everything and then took it away. He crushed me. And then he did it again.

"Bella—"

I put my hands up.

"Don't. I can't do this." Rage was pulsing through me.

I wouldn't let him tell me he didn't want me again._ I_ didn't want him anymore.

"Bella, please you have to listen to me—"

He grabbed my arm, and a pulse of electricity shot between us. I felt a longing for him deep in my soul. I shook his hand off and jumped over the couch, momentarily shocked by my new physical abilities. Edward put his hands on the back of the couch and made like he was going to jump over it to me. I grabbed a lamp off the side table and chucked it at his head. He dodged it easily, allowing it to crash against the corner of the wall.

"Stay away from me." I said in a deathly quiet, barely restrained voice.

He came at me again, and I pushed him away as hard as I could. He stumbled backwards from the strength of the blow, falling against the wall and cracking the drywall. I put my hand up to my mouth appalled that I pushed him. I wanted to throw more things at him—to keep him away, but I couldn't destroy Esme's home. She was looking at me with fear. It broke my heart she would be frightened by me.

Edward started around the couch again, and I knew deep inside of me that if he touched me again I would be lost. I begged him again.

"Please—I can't do this right now. Leave me alone."

The look on his face was one of anguish. "Bella, let me explain."

"No!"

I found Carlisle. "Why did you do this? You knew I didn't want this!"

He shook his head and looked at me, but he didn't answer. Edward didn't give him a chance. I put my hand out to stop Edward. I wanted to escape. I needed to escape. He was within three feet of me when Rosalie stepped in front of him and Emmett put his hands on Edward's chest to keep him from coming closer.

"None of you has given any thought to what Bella wants. Back off, Edward." She was angry. "Give her some space before she loses it and does something she'll regret."

Rosalie turned back to me. I was crouched down ready to defend myself against her if necessary.

"Bella, go in your room. I'll be right there."

I blinked. Panic was clouding my thoughts even more, and I scrambled to do what she said. I skirted around Edward, keeping enough distance to avoid him touching me. Why did I still have feelings for him? Half of me wanted to rip his arms off and beat him with them. The other half wanted to throw myself into them and never let go.

I opened the door to my room and closed it hard behind me, unintentionally cracking the wood. I leaned against it to make it more secure, and clearly heard Rosalie talking.

"What the hell did you think you were doing?"

"I wanted to explain."

She must have directed her question at Edward because he answered. I wanted to hear his explanations, but I couldn't hear him say he didn't want me. Even worse, I didn't want him to think he _had_ to be with me now.

"Yeah well, from here it looked like you were trying to get killed!" Rosalie said again.

"Rosalie's right, Edward. Forcing Bella into a corner is not the best way to handle things. I'm sure everything she's feeling right now is very overwhelming to her. She needs to hunt, and she needs to calm down." Carlisle was correct. I was overwhelmed. Even trying to wrap my mind around the fact I was a vampire now was too much.

I looked around the room. The scents surrounding me were so strong. I could smell the plasticy scent that must be from the new carpet on the floor. The smell of blood hung in the air, making me thirsty—which was totally weird as the blood had to have been mine. I held my breath, cutting off the senses. I waited to feel the burn from the lack of oxygen, but none came. I listened with my new ears, the conversation in the room as clear as if I had been standing next to them.

"I'm going to go talk to her. Then Emmett and I will take her hunting. You're going to have to wait to talk to her."

Rosalie knocked and then stepped into my room. I was sitting on the edge of the bed. It seemed vague and a bit cloudy, but I remembered she didn't like me very much. Even with the memory of her feelings toward me I was glad it was her. I thought of Carlisle and Alice and felt the rage again. It wasn't hard to remember how much I'd wanted to die and both of them knew it. I fisted my hands so tightly in the blankets it fell like my bones were going to shatter. I felt the fabric ripping in my hands and let go, trying to smooth away the damage.

Rosalie leaned against the dresser, her arms crossed over her chest and her ankles crossed, as well. The mirror was gone and a sharp pain shot through me at the memory of why. She looked so relaxed when I felt as tightly coiled as a spring. She looked at me with her usual bored expression and then held up her hand and looked at her nails.

"Interesting turn of events, huh?"

Seriously? I almost threw something at her. Then I inappropriately giggled.

Ahhh! My emotions were all over the place. I loosened my fists and turned toward her.

"I don't know what to think right now."

"That doesn't surprise me. I don't know what you were thinking when you tried to kill yourself," she answered. Her voice filled with censure and even disbelief.

I knew what I was thinking. I was thinking of Edward. The look on his face when I opened my eyes was so full of regret. He had sounded so desperate to explain himself to me, maybe I should have listened.

"Here's what's going to happen—you need to hunt." As she said that fire ripped through my throat. "Emmett and I will take you. When we get back you are going to have to sit down and hear everyone out."

I shook my head. "I can't."

Rosalie cocked hers. "You can't what?"

"Anything. I can't hunt, and I can't see them." I pointed toward the great room.

"Good Lord! When are you going to stop being pathetic, Bella. It's getting old. Aren't you sick of the whining?"

All the air whooshed out of my lungs like she had punched me in the stomach. I _was_ pathetic. I flopped down on the bed.

"You may not have chosen it, but you have a new life and I guarantee you it's going to be too long to stay this weak. You have to decide you don't need anyone. You need to become the only thing you need to survive. I love Emmett with all my heart, but if he left me I would endure. Pull yourself together and endure."

Rosalie was right. There was no longer an easy way to escape. No drugs. No suicide. I had to become independent. I looked up and out the window. I made the decision then and there to never go back to being pathetic. Edward couldn't hurt me again if I refused to let him.

I stood up to my full height and threw my shoulders back.

"Let's go hunt."

Rosalie's lips curved into a little smile, and she walked out the door. I felt for the first time ever that maybe she was proud of me. I felt like she was the only one I could trust. Rosalie never hid her feelings from me and I couldn't help but think this was a turning point in our relationship. I followed behind her. Edward and the rest of the family were waiting in the great room. I walked past them, my head held high, but didn't meet their eyes as Rosalie motioned for me to go ahead of her.

I opened the door to the deck carefully, not wanting to break another door, and turned at the sound of a scuffle behind me. Emmett was holding Edward back. Rosalie stepped in front of the door protecting me .

"Bella, don't leave! Get the hell off of me, Emmett!" Edward yelled. Emmett had him in a headlock, and Edward was struggling to get past him

I moved away from the windows and ran down the stairs out of his line of sight.

"Come on, Edward, We're just taking her to hunt," I heard Emmett say, exasperated and grunting from the strain.

My throat squeezed shut and swallowing was impossible. "She's agreed to talk to you when we come back," Rosalie said as she started down the stairs.

But Edward was frantic and yelled after her. "I just want to tell her I love her!"

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><p><strong>xoxoxo<strong>

**All I can say to Jessypt (aka the best beta ever) is THANK YOU! She made this chapter so much better by her suggestions and fixes. She was also a life raft to me when I was lost in a sea of doubt. Thanks, Jess!**

**I wrote a one-shot for the Age of Edward 2012 contest- The Sultan's Wish. Go check it out! There are so many great submissions- I am awed at the talent! Voting begins Feb 16 and ends Feb 22**

**http : / www . fanfiction . net / community / Age_Of_Edward_2011 /95685/**

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**See you next week- Edward and Bella kiss and make-up. No- not yet, but maybe just a kiss. ;) I do promise they will talk! **


	16. Chapter 16 Crawling Back to You

**Sorry about no chapter last week. Real life snuck up on me and Jessypt and a break was necessary. I do have two chapters for you this week. I'm posting 16 today and hopefully 17 a bit later today or tomorrow. **

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. No copyright infringement intended.**

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><p>Chapter 16- Crawling Back to You<p>

Time can heal, but the scars only hide the way you feel

And it's hard to forget how I left you hanging

On by a thread, when everything I said, I will regret it,

Yeah,

I was doin' alright, thought I could make it,

Then I see your face and it's hard to fake it.

Just like that I'm crawling back to you

Just like you said I would yeah

I swallow my pride, now I'm crawling back to you

I'm out of my head

Can't wait any longer

Down on my knees, I thought I was stronger

Just like that like you said I'd do

I'm crawling back to you.

-Daughtry

_Edward POV_

"_I just want to tell her I love her."_

Emmett pushed me back, the strength of it picking me up off my feet. I tried to get around him again, but he put his hand in my chest. The look on his face showed sympathy but determination to keep me away.

"I know you love her, Edward, but give her some space. Rose said she would come back and talk to you. Don't push her away before you get the chance to explain."

He pushed his hand against my chest again to drive home his point and then left to catch up with them. It was physically painful to let her out of my sight. The protective instinct I have always felt for her was rearing its head and making it difficult for me to stay put. I took one step forward to go after him and felt Carlisle's hand on my shoulder. He knew I couldn't stay away while she hunted.

"Follow her discreetly, Edward," he warned.

I stood on the deck and waited five minutes before I followed them. While I waited, I listened to Rosalie and Emmett's thoughts and watched Bella through them. She seemed to be nervous, but followed Rosalie through the trees. Emmett ran to catch up to them. When he came up behind Bella, she turned to defend herself and an animalistic snarl broke free from her throat. Emmett put up his hands in a peaceful gesture. His thoughts showed his surprise.

"_That was stupid. Trying to get killed. Hard to think of Bella as dangerous."_

"Hold it there, Tiger. It's just little old me, too pretty to kill," he said to her, trying to calm her.

She pulled out of her crouch and warily turned away from him. Every muscle in her body was tense. I wanted to go to her and comfort her and reassure her she was okay. I knew what she was feeling. When your hunting instinct came out it was hard to think like anything but an animal. I knew it felt unnatural to turn her back on Emmett. I saw through his eyes how she kept glancing behind her to see where he was. Every instinct she had was probably screaming at her to turn and defend herself.

After a while, she seemed to get past it and visibly relaxed. Emmett watched her hands touching everything; it was like she was caressing the forest, getting to know her surroundings with her fingertips. Rosalie sensed a small herd of deer ahead and fell silent, putting her hand out behind her to stop Bella. She sprang out and caught a deer in a graceful movement that was imperceptible to the animal. She swung it around so Bella could see how it was done and drank from it. Bella put her hand up to her throat, and I could tell it was burning with need.

I jumped over the deck and followed their path. I wanted to see Bella hunting with my own eyes but didn't want her to sense me watching. I wanted to keep my distance but be close enough to her when she hunted. I took to the treetops and climbed as high as I could, staying fifty yards behind them. Emmett sensed me first.

"_Obsessive much, Edward? We won't let anything happen to her." _He spoke to me with his thoughts.

I _was_ obsessed. I needed Bella like humans needed oxygen, and seeing her right in front of me but not being able to touch her and talk to her was torture. Deep down I was afraid if I let her out of my sight she would disappear. Alice's vision had been vague. I'd seen her leaving, but I hadn't seen the circumstances surrounding her decision, and it was killing me.

I was so stuck in my head I almost missed her grabbing a large buck. They had startled a herd of about ten deer and took chase after them. I'd moved to get a better view when she launched herself at the deer and tackled it, grabbing it by its antlers and wrestling it to the ground. She drank deeply from his neck and when she stood I was taken aback by how beautiful she was, even though she was a mess. She was panting from the adrenalin rush, her clothes were ripped from landing on the antlers. The animal's blood was running down her neck.

Rosalie laughed at her and teased her about the graceless way she had taken it down. I could tell by the look on Bella's face she wasn't satisfied.

"I want more," she said.

Rosalie nodded and told her to smell the air and find her next victim. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She started walking back toward me, and I froze. I didn't want her to see me and was afraid the scent she picked up was mine. She wouldn't be able to differentiate the scents yet.

I began to panic again and was set to take off when Emmett saved me.

"Where are you going, little girl?" He grabbed her hand and pulled her in the opposite direction. "Let's go find us a black bear. It's my favorite, but I'll share."

Bella scanned around, her nostrils flaring for one quick second and then let herself be led away by Emmett.

"_I saved your ass, boy. This little spitfire would have probably torn you up if she caught you spying on her. Go home." _

I watched them lead her away, and then let out a sigh of relief. Having Bella see me would have been a bad thing. I needed to get a hold of myself and stop making emotional decisions.

Emotional decisions ruled my life.

I reluctantly walked back to the house at a normal pace and waited for them to come back.

The sun was setting behind the house before they came back. I could hear Emmett's roaring laughter before they came out of the tree line. I fought every urge I had to keep from jumping up to make sure Bella was okay. They walked in the house, and Bella was a mess. Her clothes were torn, and she was filthy, dirt smudged on her cheek and caked on the knees of her pants. She was laughing at their teasing, and the happiness on her face took my breath away.

She turned into the room, stopped abruptly, and hid her face in her hair. She looked so much like the girl I first met so long ago in Forks. I knew her cheeks wouldn't show the blush I already missed so much, but if they could her cheeks would have been blazing.

She hesitated for a moment and then went into her room, closing the door gently behind her. I walked over to the door and just stood there. It was a compulsion I couldn't control. I leaned against the wall outside her room and listened to the sounds of the shower running and of her gathering her clothes. I didn't want her to catch me waiting, so I turned away, at a loss for what to do when I really wanted to get on my hands and knees and crawl to her, begging for her forgiveness.

I listened as my family left the room to give us the privacy we needed. Even after all of our time apart they still knew me well enough to know what I needed without me having to ask. I turned off the lights and walked over to the piano, running my hands across the smooth top. It had been so long since I had played—since Forks actually. I sat down and began playing her song. I played it knowing she would hear the strains of the melody. I had messed up her whole life. She owed me nothing, but I wanted her to know how I felt about her, even if she wasn't ready hear me out. I closed my eyes and let the music fill me, remembering the day I brought her to meet my family. The day she sat next to me on the piano bench and listened to me pour out my emotions for her through a song, when I couldn't get past the fear to tell her with my words.

I knew my song wasn't going to be enough this time. I also knew deep down that my words might not be enough either. I had hurt her with my stupid decisions, thinking I was superior to her and knew what was best for her, when all along I was afraid of losing her, whether from the danger my immortality posed or her deciding I wasn't good for her. Selfishly, I had needed to be the one to walk away to save myself from the hurt of her doing it.

I had learned something about myself in the last day. I was scared. I'd always been scared of allowing myself to need her, but I knew that love wasn't about being afraid it would all be snatched away. Love was about finding her again, the one who made me complete. I needed her to see that even if I was doomed to spend my life without her loving me back, each memory I had of her made my life bearable. It might be impossible to explain my actions, to negate the most vicious lie I had ever told, but I would never give up trying to earn her forgiveness.

I heard the door to her room open, but I kept my eyes closed and played on. I sensed her coming closer to me, and my hands ached to reach out for her. I opened my eyes and was shocked by her bright red irises. My stomach hitched at the reminder that she had another reason to hate me. She met my eyes full on, but I couldn't read her emotions. The woman standing in front of me was someone I didn't know. The old Bella's expressions had always been so open, her eyes startlingly honest, as if I could see to her soul, but the new Bella looked shuttered and frozen. I was saddened by the hardness I saw around her lips.

She held my gaze for a moment and walked outside into the dark night.

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><p><strong>xoxoxo<strong>

**I know this was short, but writing about Bella hunting from her POV didn't work for me. We already read about it in Breaking Dawn and I couldn't make it work. **

**As always THANK YOU JESSYPT! I had serious tense issues this chapter and she should have slapped me. Thank you to all that have reviewed my story! Your words mean so much to me. I'm sorry I haven't responded. I read everyone and am so grateful for the time you take to write them.**

**See you soon! I just need to fix some of 17 before I post it. Bella and Edward have their talk. **


	17. Chapter 17 Some Kind of Nerve

**Sorry this is late! Better late than crappy! **

**I owe half of the credit for this chapter to Jessypt! **

**Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended.**

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><p>Chapter 17- Some Kind of Nerve<p>

_I've been calling_

_For years and years and years and years_

_And you never left me no messages_

_You never send me no letters _

_You've got some kind of nerve_

_Taking all our love._

_Lost and Insecure_

_you found me, you found me_

_Lying on the floor_

_Where were you? Where were you?_

_Why'd you have to wait_

_To find me_

_To find me_

_ -You Found Me The Fray _

_Bella POV_

I was feeling sated from hunting and more comfortable in my new skin when I stepped out of the shower. I was drying my hair when I heard the music. The melody floated through the air and hit me like a ton of bricks. The memory it brought back wasn't vague and murky like others I'd had. It was strong and clear. The overwhelming feelings I'd felt that day sitting next to him, listening to him play a song he wrote for me, came flooding back. Despite the danger of him being a vampire I had been so drawn to him even then. It was as if my soul had recognized him immediately as its mate. At one time, I would have forgiven him anything.

I didn't want to forgive him now.

I could never be that innocent child again, swept away by her first feelings of love. I let love fuck me over once, and I wasn't about to go back to feeling like I was lost again. I remembered the pain, the empty desolate place I was when I cut myself, but I also remembered how it felt to touch him and laugh with him. I remembered his kiss and the wry quirk of his smile.

His words had followed me out of the house. I would have turned around if Rosalie hadn't stopped me. They stuck in my mind while I tried to concentrate on hunting.

"_I just want to tell her I love her."_

Did he truly love me? Why did those words have to confuse me so? Did I love him even though he had hurt me? I didn't know if I could ever let myself be in the position to be hurt by him again. I did know I could never let myself need him again to survive. I needed to be strong enough to speak to him and not fall into his arms.

I stood by the door gathering my courage for longer than should have been necessary, the music clouding my resolve.

I wanted to escape. I wanted to run to him.

I wanted to talk. I wanted to refuse him.

I wanted to hold him. I wanted to hit him.

The indecision was killing me. I took a deep breath, not because I needed it, but out of habit, and opened the door, steeled against the tender feelings I had. I focused on my anger. It was what needed to be addressed first.

The lights were all off and the only one in the room was him. I was glad for that at least. I wouldn't have to deal with the emotions I felt concerning Carlisle and Alice, but on the other hand, there would be no buffers for the conversation we needed to have.

I walked over to the piano and was caught off guard by the longing inside of me. He sat there with his eyes closed; the beauty of the music was nothing compared to him sitting there, highlighted by the bright moonlight glinting through the windows. I rested my hands on the top of the piano and waited for him to acknowledge me. He opened his eyes, and they widened when he saw my face. I stood there for a moment, locked in his gaze, and then turned and walked out into the dark night. I needed space to do this.

I slowly walked down to the river and stood there waiting for him. He came after me much faster and stopped at my side. He reached out his hand to touch me, and I jerked away. It was too much. If he touched me I would lose my resolve and fall into his arms like the pathetic child I used to be. We stood there quietly, not even a heartbeat any longer to count the passing time. I finally turned my head to the side, glancing at him out of the corner of my eye.

"Bella, I don't know how to even begin to apologize to you." His voice was sad.

"I don't need your apologies." I looked down at my hands. "Rosalie told me I needed to listen to you, to let you explain, so here I am. Explain."

He reached for me again, but I pulled away and faced him. "Don't touch me." My voice sounded so cold.

He pulled his hand back and ran it through his hair. "I lied to you."

I wanted to ask about what, but he continued before I could.

"I told you the most grievous lie ever, and you believed me so easily. I told you I didn't want you and that has never been even remotely true."

I felt a moment of confusion pushing through my anger. I didn't know how to respond to that.

"I only left you because I wanted you to have a chance at a normal life. I thought I was protecting you."

Rage conquered the confusion, and I heard my voice rising with each word that came out of my mouth. "What made you think it was your decision to make? Why can't you just be honest with yourself and admit that you are using that as an excuse? You didn't want me, and instead of just breaking up with me you chose to take everything away and leave me there broken."

Ahh! I sounded so pathetic. I continued.

"I should have done what you wanted. I should have wiped you from my memory and moved on, but I didn't. I lost myself and let you ruin my life."

He looked so devastated by my words. "A minute never passed when I didn't think of you. I've spent the last four years making myself stay away from you when all I wanted was to be in your arms."

"Why? Just tell me why, Edward! This crap about protecting me by staying away isn't good enough. What was the point?"

He paced back and forth, his hands in his hair.

"I needed to know you were going to stay alive. I couldn't live in a world where you didn't exist, and when Jasper attacked you on your birthday I was overcome by fear that I couldn't keep you safe. My very nature, and that of my family, was a danger to you. Each time I kissed your lips I had to be conscious of not crushing you. One wrong move and I would have killed you. I couldn't live with the fear each time I was close to you."

I crossed my arms and looked up at the sky. My voice was smaller and calmer.

"You could have changed me."

"No, I couldn't! How could I ever have subjected you to a life like mine?" He was the one to yell.

"What do you mean? I am standing here before you a vampire. What's the difference between now and four years ago? You let them change me, and now I am what you never wanted me to be."

He shook his head and murmured. "I didn't let them change you."

I stared at him. "What do you mean?"

"I didn't let them change you; I did it. Carlisle and Alice tried to stop me, but I couldn't let you die. I need you to understand how much I need you, Bella."

He changed me? I couldn't make sense of this. He never wanted me to become a vampire, but he made the decision to do it anyway?

I was so mad I wanted to lash out at him. I wanted to physically hurt him, and keeping those volatile emotions in check was becoming harder and harder with each word he said. Was all the pain he put me through for nothing? He destroyed me with four little words—_I don't want you._

I stood there rubbing my hands up and down my jeans and started pacing. Minutes went by, and as hard as I tried, I couldn't get a coherent thought out. I looked up at the moon and stopped.

"Why couldn't you have at least sent me a letter or an email or called to see if I was okay? Where were you when my life was falling apart? Why didn't you even check to see if I was alright?" I spit the words at him. "You destroyed every hope and dream I had when you left. You threw my love away like it was trash."

I threw my arms up. It was like four years of pent up anger and hurt was erupting, and I was powerless to stop it. "What do you want from me?" I didn't let him answer I just kept going, refusing to look at his face. "Do you want me to just forget how badly you hurt me? How because of you my father is dead? You left me to protect me but never even checked to see if I was safe. Do you want me to forget what you said and how you reacted when you saw me three days ago? How were you protecting me then?"

I crossed my arms. "Tell me Edward. What do you want from me?" I stared at him, waiting for an answer.

His eyes were filled with pain, and I felt myself weaken. I was so sick of pain. Not just mine, but the pain I was causing. It was a sick cycle that needed to end. He reached for me, and I took a step back. But he pressed on, moving slowly, and when he touched my arm with just his finger I felt a long forgotten jolt of energy flow through me. He ran his hand down my forearm, and I swallowed at the pleasure it brought me.

I was so confused. I was still angry, but I wanted him, too. He was right here, and it was like a missing piece of my life was in front of me. All I had to do was reach out to become whole again. Except I knew it wasn't that simple, that a single touch, a few whispered words of apology wouldn't erase four years of pain and sorrow. He slid his fingers between mine, holding my hand loosely, and pulled me into his embrace.

"I'm so sorry, Bella. I can never say it enough. Please don't leave me. Give me a chance." He whispered his words.

He held me tight while I fought a battle inside of me not to succumb to him again. His touch made me weak. I leaned into his chest, and the scent of him filled me. I felt a sob well up inside of me, and I lost it. I tried to push away, but he held fast, pulling me that much closer. I was strong enough to break his hold, but I didn't. Instead I just hit him and hit him, pounding my fists on his chest and shoulders while he whispered I'm sorry over and over again into my hair. I could tell I was hurting him, but he didn't try to stop me.

I felt my knees go weak, and I would have collapsed if he hadn't held me up.

Why couldn't I destroy him like he did me?

We stood there, his arms wrapped around me for a long time. Releasing my anger had felt good, but there were still unanswered questions. I had used up my strength and needed to walk away to process everything we had said and truly decide what I wanted. I still loved him despite everything.

Slowly, I wriggled free of his embrace, feeling lighter but just as confused as I had before our conversation. Edward didn't resist this time; he released me and took a step back. I knew there was more to be said, that by the look on his face he was hurting and desperate for resolution, but I just wasn't ready.

I turned and began walking back toward the house when he called after me. I stopped, took a deep breath, and looked over my shoulder.

"Bella, I will never forgive myself for leaving you, and because of that I can't ask for your forgiveness." He paused and looked down, his feet shuffling in an uncharacteristic display of uncertainty before he looked back up at me. "But I honestly don't know how to live without you. I am nothing when I don't have you by my side." His eyes glowed with conviction. "You're everything to me. I love you, and I promise you I will never fail you again."

I nodded, my lips parted in thought.

"What did you say?"

I hadn't said anything. His head swung around behind us toward the woods. His body tensed, and he rushed toward me, grabbing my hand as he pulled me toward the house.

We had just made it inside when he began yelling.

"Emmett, Jasper, Carlisle!"

Emmett and Jasper came thundering down the stairs with Rosalie and Alice following close behind. Carlisle and Esme came out of their room, their hands clasped together.

I could hear the panic in Edward's voice, but I was confused.

"I heard them. They're here."

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><p><strong>xoxoxo<strong>

**Another cliffhanger! I can't seem to help it! **

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	18. Chapter 18 The Visitors

**Better late than never... **

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><p>Chapter 18- The Visitors<p>

_I hold it true, whate'er befall;_

_I feel it, when I sorrow most;_

'_Tis better to have loved and lost_

_Than never to have loved at all._

_- In Memoriam:27 by Alfred Lord Tennyson_

_Edward POV_

"_We're almost there."_

"_Just through the trees. I can smell him."_

"_I hope she's not following us."_

For a quick second I thought it was Bella's mind I was hearing. "What did you say?"

But before she could answer I knew it wasn't her. It was two vampires off in the tress. I didn't recognize them, and they were close. I grabbed her hand and sprinted toward the house. Thankfully, she followed without hesitation. I knew she wasn't as fragile now as she had been as a human, but my protective instincts were taking over. I had to get her to safety, surrounded by my family—our family.

I called them, and they came without hesitation. God, I had missed having them on my side.

"I heard them. They're here."

They knew whom I meant, but Bella didn't. I still had a hold of her hand. I wanted to pull her close and explain, but I was afraid she would lose control if she found out about Victoria. She started to pull away, but I held fast, not wanting to let go. She yanked her hand out of mine and rubbed it with her other hand like I'd hurt her. I desperately wanted it back. Each step she took away from me was like a slash of a knife against my skin.

I followed her with my eyes, while my family watched, waiting for me to tell them who was outside. She hid her face in her hair and went to stand behind Rosalie, who gave me a dirty look. I had gone so long without seeing Bella's face. I wanted nothing more than to swipe the hair away. Well, that and push Rosalie out of the way. It wasn't that long ago that our positions were reversed. I had been the one with whom Bella had shielded herself from Rosalie's gaze. I selfishly wanted to be the one she turned to for comfort and protection.

Rosalie saw the irony in the situation as well, and because I was out of practice blocking out her thoughts, she tormented me with her maliciousness. I cringed at her mental name-calling.

I was acting like a child, but I was desperate for some resolution between me and Bella. We had fallen in love so easily four years ago. I hadn't had to do anything but accept her love. She had accepted what I was and the greatest regret I had was not accepting the full scope of her devotion to me. I had been scared and had thrown away the most valuable thing of my existence—her love.

I wanted it again, but how could I prove my own to her? I pictured my desolate future without her and shuddered at the thought. I shook it away. I needed to remain hopeful, so that the negativity didn't seep into the relationship I hoped to repair.

I focused on the matter at hand. There were new vampires out there. They could be anyone coming to visit. And while they were unfamiliar to me, I had a sense Victoria had sent them. I knew she would be coming, but it was too soon. I wanted more time with Bella first, and as much as I wanted her by my side, I needed her safe until she was more in control.

She was still partially hidden from my view when I heard her ask Rosalie quietly, "Who's here?"

Rosalie locked eyes with me. She knew as well as I did how Bella was going to react to the possibility of Victoria being close. She also knew how I was going to react. _"You can't take away her vengeance. She needs to kill Victoria, and I will help. She doesn't want your overbearing protection. She needs to feel in control."_

I answered Bella's question. "There are two vampires out there waiting for us. I'm not sure, but they are most likely from Victoria's coven. She can't be far behind, and I don't know how many will be with her."

Fire flashed in Bella's eyes, and she made a hissing noise as she turned to go outside. Emmett blocked her exit.

"Hold it, Tiger. There's no need to rush out there."

She snarled at him and tried to push around him. Her teeth clenched as she spoke. "Victoria is mine. I want to kill her."

Fear bubbled up in me. Victoria was a four hundred year old vampire. She was too powerful for Bella to handle alone, even with her newborn strength. The thought of her anywhere near that fight made me want to grab her and leave, but I kept my opinions to myself.

Alice caught my eye, and I reeled from her vision. I had to catch myself on the back of the sofa.

_Bella fighting Victoria. Alone. _

The blurred edges and colorless images meant it was still changing. We had to do everything in our power to keep Bella from going off on her own.

Carlisle stepped around the couch. "Who's in the woods? It's not Victoria?"

I shook my head and listened. "No, it's two young vampires. They're waiting just past the tree line. They're very nervous, but they don't seem like they want to fight. Their thoughts waver between being scared of us and scared of Riley."

I thought for a moment. "I heard the name Riley in the newborns' thoughts when I was in Chicago. He seems to be the one in charge. Victoria is there, too, but only in a vague way. Her face isn't as clear in their thoughts."

I was confused by the way they thought of her. She was there but more as an abstract thing to fear rather than an actual person.

"I think we should go confront them, find out what they want." Emmett was ready to go, as always.

"Maybe they're looking for a safe place away from Victoria?" Esme suggested.

I listened to the newborns' thoughts while my family made plans around me. The male wanted to leave, but the female insisted they find us.

"Let's go. I don't think they're dangerous, but be prepared."

Everyone nodded. I moved to reach for Bella again, but she slid around Emmett and walked with Rosalie.

"Baby girl doesn't like you very much. Not used to that are you?" He laughed at me.

I wasn't used to it.

I followed everyone out. We formed a line, Emmett, Jasper and me in front. Carlisle stood off to the side with Esme, our unofficial spokesman. I was glad to see Bella behind Emmett, flanked by Rosalie and Alice.

I could sense the vampires' fear.

"Show yourselves." Carlisle said firmly.

There was rustling in the trees. The male still didn't want to show himself, but he wouldn't let the girl go without him. He was very protective of her. They stepped out of the trees, her first, but it was the male who spoke; he was so nervous his voice cracked.

"We don't mean any harm." He put his hands up in a peaceful gesture.

Carlisle waved them forward and met them less than halfway.

"I am Carlisle Cullen, and this is my family." He gestured to us.

"I'm Diego, and this is Bree."

Bree stepped forward. She was tiny, as small as Alice, and looked a bit younger. Diego was tall with darker skin and black hair. Their eyes were a red of equal brightness to Bella's, showing the newness of their vampire life.

"We heard about you from a vampire that was staying with…" She paused, before finishing. "She told one of the other girls that you didn't kill humans and lived in one place. She didn't-"

She thought twice about saying more out loud but finished the sentence in her head_. "-drink human blood."_ I saw the vampire she was talking about in her mind. She was familiar somehow, but her face was indistinct. I had a nagging feeling about the woman, like I should know her.

"We have been traveling around so much, and I hate the death my hunger brings… humans. I want to be somewhere safe."

She hesitated with the word. She wasn't fully accepting of the fact that she was different now that she was a vampire.

"I decided to leave, and Diego wanted to come with me. We slipped away before anyone knew we'd done it. We slipped away during a fight, but Riley told us he would find us if we left. That he had ways. I just want to be safe."

Carlisle looked back at me to confirm what she was saying was true. I nodded. The boy, Diego, was thirsty and didn't have the same feelings as Bree when it came to feeding. He was distrustful and wanted to go off on their own.

"We can offer you a place to stay and clean up, but only temporarily, and we don't allow hunting of humans here," Carlisle offered.

Bree readily agreed, relief evident in her thoughts and body language. Diego agreed as well, but only because of her.

They followed Carlisle and Esme into the house. Alice tried to talk to Bella, but she walked around Alice like she wasn't there, staring straight ahead. It was an intentional, direct cut. I sighed when Alice looked over at me, hurt filling her eyes. Jasper took her hand and whispered something in her ear. They went to hunt.

I followed slowly behind everyone. I felt disconnected from my family and didn't know where I belonged. I didn't feel like hunting even though I was thirsty, and Rosalie and Bella had made it clear I wasn't welcome. Emmett would have tried to smooth it over, but I decided to go talk to the vampires.

Carlisle and Esme invited the visitors in and showed them to a room where they could get settled and cleaned up. Esme was in her element, caring for the two children. They looked to be fifteen or sixteen but were truly that age unlike the rest of us. She offered to wash their clothes and brought them new ones.

Bree's thoughts showed clearly on her face. She was happy and felt safe for the first time since she had run away from her abusive father. She thought of him with anger but wiped it away. Diego was more apprehensive. He kept wondering what our motives were for inviting them in. He was skeptical of Esme's kindness. He, too, had not experienced a life that would allow him to easily trust a stranger.

I sat down at the kitchen counter. After getting the kids settled in and ensuring Esme was safe with them, Carlisle came and sat next to me. He put his hand on my shoulder.

"I haven't said it yet, but I'm glad you're home." I was glad to be home, too.

"I wish someone had warned me about Bella."

Carlisle sighed. "Me too. The outcome would have been much different, I'm sure, but we can't change the past."

If only we could. I couldn't help wonder what I would change. The obvious things, of course; I would have reacted differently to her the day I came home. I never would have left her. Maybe I would have never loved her. My stomach clenched in pain at the thought.

"How did your talk go?"

I sighed. "I don't know what I expected. You were right; Bella's different. I'm desperate to settle things with her." I put my hands in my hair. "I want to make everything okay between us, but I know it's not that easy. I want to wipe the past away."

"I think you should give her some space."

I nodded. "I know, but I don't want to be apart from her. It's killing me that she's so close. I keep thinking—wait till she falls asleep, and then you can be by her. And then I remember she'll never sleep again because of me. It's hard to wrap my brain around."

"Only time will tell. You can't push her to a decision. If you do she will likely choose the course you don't want her to take. Rosalie is good for her right now. We may not agree with her methods, but honestly Bella doesn't need anyone coddling her. She needs to feel empowered and confident in her new life. She lost so much of herself, and the best thing we can do is support whatever decisions she makes."

He was right. Bella had always been stubborn, and I was sure that hadn't changed. It still annoyed me that it was Rosalie to whom she turned. Rosalie wouldn't do me any favors.

I ran my fingers over the pattern in the granite countertop. "Alice had a vision of her fighting Victoria alone. I can't—won't stand by and let that happen." I looked up at Carlisle, hoping he understood how strongly I felt about that.

He nodded. "I don't want that either. We need to find Victoria first. Did their thoughts reveal anything useful?" He gestured to the door to the lower level where Esme had taken Diego and Bree.

"Not really. We'll have to question them more. One thing I picked up from their thoughts confused me. She mentioned someone talking about us. Neither of them had a clear picture of her face, but she's familiar somehow. Bree was holding her words back, but she had thoughts of the woman's diet. She didn't drink human blood."

Carlisle's brow furrowed. "There are few that have adopted our lifestyle."

"I know. That's what has me so confused. There's a connection in some way, but it escapes me."

I heard Emmett's triumphant yell and Rosalie's frustrated response. Quiet laughter followed.

Carlisle chuckled. "They're probably up there playing video games."

Jealously shot through me. I knew I had no reason to be envious of her easy relationship with Emmett and Rosalie. I just wanted it to be with me.

I started to get up to join them but stopped when Esme came upstairs with Diego and Bree. Bree was relaxed, and her thoughts were filled with awe. She loved the house, loved Esme. Her thoughts reflected her thanks at being accepted.

Diego, on the other hand, was still suspicious. He had lingering doubts about turning away from Riley's coven. He stared at me with distrustful eyes. I wondered if he knew I could read his mind.

Carlisle invited them to take a seat in the great room. "We have some questions for you, some things we'd like to clarify."

They sat, and Diego chewed on his thumbnail while Bree seemed to sink into the comfort of the sofa. Esme sat on the arm of the chair, and Carlisle sat down in the chair beside her.

"I trust Esme brought you everything you need?"

They both nodded. "Oh, yes! Thank you so much. I can't wait to take a bath. It has been so long." Diego scowled at Bree.

Carlisle grinned at her childlike enthusiasm, while Diego was annoyed by it.

"I hope you will repay our kindness by answering some questions."

"_Here we go. I knew they weren't helping us out of the goodness of their hearts." _You didn't have to be a mind reader to see what Diego was thinking.

"Do you know what Victoria plans to do?" Diego continued to gnaw his nail. Bree sat up straighter, prepared to answer Carlisle.

I wish we had waited to question them until Alice had come back. She may have been able to pick up something as they talked about their decision to leave.

"There never seemed to be a plan, or it changed all the time. Riley would tell us we were heading to Texas but then change his mind at the last minute, and we'd go to Canada. Victoria never talked to me. She only talked to Riley and some of the older ones. Everywhere we went, Riley would create more vampires, but a lot of them died fighting each other."

Carlisle was thinking what I was. Victoria had some kind of plan but was leaving the decision making up to someone else. She knew about Alice's abilities.

"_How does she know about Alice?"_

I answered his unspoken question with a shrug. There weren't many who knew of her gift. I again had a nagging feeling there was an important piece of the puzzle I was missing.

"The woman you mentioned, the one that told your friend about us, do you know her name?" I asked.

Bree looked at Diego. He didn't know her name, but his memory of her was clearer this time. My heart sank.

"It's Irina." I told Carlisle and Esme quietly.

"Irina?" Carlisle was disbelieving.

I heard the door open. Alice and Jasper were back. They hadn't been hunting for long.

"_Edward, I need to talk to you—alone."_

Carlisle and Esme were both thinking the same thing. Why would Irina be with Victoria?

"Laurent." I answered their questions and stood. "Excuse me." I left while Carlisle questioned them more about where they were living and what they were doing.

I walked upstairs to Alice and Jasper's room, passing by the family room where Emmett, Rosalie, and Bella were playing video games like Carlisle had said. I glanced at her as I tapped lightly on the door. She was sitting on the edge of the sofa, waiting for her turn. She didn't glance at me but Emmett did.

"_Come play with us when you're done talking to Alice and Jasper. Just be cool and casual, man."_

Jasper opened to my knock. Alice was standing in front of her desk. Jasper stood behind me as she told me what she saw without turning around.

"Victoria's not coming here." She turned to face me. "She'll send small groups of-" She closed her eyes. "-her army. She ordered them to find you. I don't get the feeling from the vision that she wants to end this with a face-to-face fight." She paused, walked over, and sat on the edge of a chair. She shook her head as if pushing it away. "I don't get any sort of commitment to ending this."

Alice sat quietly, while we stood there watching her process the information she was seeing.

"I had another vision this morning, but I didn't get a chance to tell you. Irina is coming for a visit." She looked off into the distance out her window. "It'll be nice to see her."

I felt the muscles in my back tensing.

"Damn, Victoria is more devious than I imagined. The newborns saw Irina. She was with Victoria before they left the coven. If Irina is coming here, I'm afraid it's not for a friendly visit."

"If she's sending newborns we need to be prepared to kill them." Jasper was the most familiar with newborn vampires. "Alice I think you should go and chat with Diego and Bree and see if you can see anything from what they have to say."

"Bree is very receptive to us, but Diego is suspicious of everything. Don't be alone with him. Tell Esme, too." I suggested.

Alice looked at me and started to form an apology in her head, but I cut her off.

"You don't need to apologize to me, Alice. If you hadn't acted, Bella would be dead right now. I have eternity to make things right with her."

She nodded, but her smile was sad.

"You have eternity with her, as well."

"I don't know, Edward. She told me she'd never forgive me when she found out I saved her the first time. I don't think she'll forgive me this time."

"I guess we are both in the same boat then," I said sadly as I backed out of the room.

My feet were being dragged like a compass to her. I couldn't stay away anymore, but I was going to take Emmett's advice and be cool. I hated video games, but if I had to play them to be close to her—to find a common ground, then I would play.

I took a bracing breath in. Let it out. I closed the door and casually, again like Emmett suggested, joined them.

My eyes met Bella's, and I glanced away and sat down. I couldn't tell if my immense need for her showed on my face. I asked to join in, and Emmett handed me a remote and slapped me on the back.

"Alright, man, let's see if you can conquer my big red balls!"

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><p><strong>xoxoxo<strong>

**I'm sorry for the wait! I guess I needed to step away from it and stop worrying about it. As soon as I did that the words started flowing again. **

**I have a bunch of thank yous this time- Jessypt for always helping me, whether it's with commas or thats (I laughed when I noticed you added one this time)or just gentle encouragement. Thanks Jess.**

**To my Facebook bunch- Paula, Heather, Courtney, and Kimberly, Thanks for the encouragement as well and for keeping me smiling. **

**To my cousin, Katie! Happy Birthday! Hope you're enjoying my words!**

**And to Reza who will brave the wilds of Chuck E. Cheese with three kids on a rainy Saturday afternoon so I could write and thank you for telling me exactly the right thing to make the story better. ILY!**

**I have a blog for my stories and I posted a picture of the Cullen's house. www. bestscentever . blogspot . com**

**Tell me what you think about the direction the story is taking. I know you're probably wishing for some Edward and Bella interaction. Soon I promise. **


	19. Chapter 19 The Lonely

Chapter 19- The Lonely

_I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most  
>I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well<em>

_Dancing slowly in an empty room_  
><em>Can the lonely take the place of you?<em>  
><em>I sing myself a quiet lullaby<em>  
><em>Let you go and let the lonely in to take my heart again<em>

_Broken pieces of_  
><em>A barely breathing story<em>  
><em>Where there once was love<em>  
><em>Now there's only me and the lonely<em>

Bella POV

I stood outside, surrounded - Alice and Rosalie on either of my sides and Jasper and Emmett in front. I heard my teeth grinding and felt every muscle in my body strain as I fought to get loose.

"Bella, you need to calm down," Rosalie whispered in my ear.

I wanted to spring at the vampires and tear them to shreds. I felt out of control. I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on what they were saying, but a battle was raging inside of me. I wanted to demand to know where Victoria was. I wanted to get in a car and find her. I wanted to kill her, and I didn't need anyone telling me I couldn't.

I waded through the murky depths of my human memories and held fast to the ones of my father. His quiet love and steadfast strength were taken away from me by that vindictive bitch, and I vowed to eliminate her from the face of the Earth or die trying.

I wasn't afraid of dying. I never had been. I'd once looked at it as an escape, and if death was what it took to avenge him than I would accept it.

While I seethed with anger at their connection to Victoria, Carlisle and Esme invited Bree and Diego into their home. They were the enemy, and I wanted nothing to do with them.

Rosalie nudged my arm to follow her when Alice stepped into my path. "Bella…"

I looked directly in her eyes and walked around her. What could I say to her? I wasn't prepared. I was too overwhelmed by the emotions inside me to separate them enough to be able to talk to her. Edward said she'd tried to stop him from changing me. I remembered being mad that she'd saved me before, but why was I hurt that she didn't want to save me this time? Everything was too mixed up in my head, and I was finding it hard to even figure out what I was feeling. Anything I would have said would have come out all wrong.

The hurt in her eyes made me feel like a horrible person. I glanced over my shoulder to see her and Jasper sprinting off into the woods. I sighed and followed Rosalie up the stairs. Emmett pulled me from my thoughts with his booming enthusiasm for video games. I saw right through their obvious plan to distract me but gave in and stayed with them.

I sat watching Emmett and Rosalie play Wii Wipeout. I didn't know what it was about the game or the TV show that amused him so much. Maybe it was the big balls and all the dirty jokes he could make talking about them. Either way, I was glad I couldn't blush anymore. He would've been even worse with his vulgarity if I could've. I didn't give him the encouragement of a laugh, but I couldn't keep the smile off my face. I rolled my eyes when he tossed me the remote.

I played the game, but my heart wasn't in it. Playing a competitive game with them was like being an ant under a stampede of shoes. There was no way I wasn't going to get crushed. They were trying to distract me with their pity invite, but it wasn't working. I listened to Emmett and Rosalie's bickering but could also hear Carlisle and Edward's voices as they questioned the two vampires downstairs.

I wanted to be down there listening to everything they were saying. I wanted to know where Victoria was, and I didn't for two seconds think Edward would volunteer that information.

I stood for my turn but quickly fell off the obstacle, so I could go back to my corner of the couch and eavesdrop some more.

I heard Alice and Jasper come in the house. When they went into the trees I assumed they went hunting, but they hadn't been gone very long. Even though I had fed earlier I still felt the burning thirst in my throat when I thought of hunting.

I watched them as they walked into their room, but they didn't look at me. Alice looked upset, and my first instinct was to go to her. It was such a strange feeling. I wanted to go to her; I wanted to make things right, but I was so scared. I didn't want to need her.

Alongside the clearest memories of my father are the ones of my friendship with Alice and falling in love with Edward. Those three relationships along with the one I had with my mother were the ones that defined my life. I'd lost my father; my new life made it impossible to see my mother, but I had eternity to create new connections, to recreate my relationship with Alice and Edward. My immortality put me on an equal level with them. I was no longer the weak human. I just needed to figure out how to begin to mend all the wounds.

I heard Edward coming up the stairs and closed my eyes. When he touched me outside I was struck by the energy surrounding him. I was still drawn to him in an unexplainable way. I could feel his gaze on me, but I didn't turn to face him. He went into Alice's room. I was a little let down that he didn't come in and join us and wished he had. I was surprised by that. I realized I didn't feel as angry with him as I had.

I was mostly angry with myself.

I had tried to kill myself. I had taken drugs. I had destroyed my life. Not Edward and definitely not Alice. I had blamed everyone for my choices, and I needed to stop.

"Are you playing, Bella?"

Rosalie pulled me from my self-contemplation.

"Uh-yeah." I reluctantly stood up and restarted the first obstacle course. Emmett thought it would be more sporting if he launched balls at my character while I tried to navigate the big balls. I fell off, of course. I hated that game.

"Poor Bella, do big balls scare you?" Emmett rolled with laughter at his innuendo.

"Seriously Emmett, what is with you and balls today?" I threw a pillow at his laughing face and flopped back down on the couch.

I heard the door to Alice and Jasper's room open and close, and felt, rather than saw, Edward approach from behind. I curled myself into the corner of the couch. I guess I'd gotten my wish. I was nervous of what he was going to say. Rose came over to sit next to me, but I pushed her butt away with my hand as she was sitting down. She almost tumbled from the strength of my push.

I didn't need a watchdog and subtlety didn't work with her.

She cocked her eyebrow at me but moved away from the couch.

I looked over at him and met his black eyes. He needed to hunt. He broke the contact before I did and asked if he could join the game.

Emmett was delighted. He handed Edward a remote and slapped him on the back, almost knocking him over.

Emmett clapped his hands together. "Alright, man, let's see if _you_ can conquer my big red balls!"

I rolled my eyes again. Rosalie was sitting in the chair I usually sat in with her legs crossed, giving me her best bitch stare. Edward sat on the couch with me but on the other end, a cushion separating us. He grinned over at me, and I couldn't help but think the moment felt very high-school.

I declined to play that round and just watched Edward. I didn't even try to be subtle. I was engrossed in his every movement. He would glance over at me occasionally, but he mostly paid attention to the game. Every time he would laugh or smile at the game I felt my temperature rise.

Maybe we didn't need to fall back into the same relationship we'd had. Maybe I wanted more than the tainted past filled with sweet gestures and handholding innocence. I watched the muscles in his back flexing under his t-shirt as he played and felt an overwhelming urge to touch him.

I wanted to feel connected to him, but emotionally I was too scared. What I needed, and knew was the missing component that would help me heal, was trust.

Trust in me, trust in him, trust in the love I felt, but mostly trust that I wasn't going to be abandoned again. He said he loved me, but most importantly, before I could decide how I felt I needed to figure out if I could truly put aside the pain I had felt and take a chance.

I lost track of time as I waded through the thoughts swirling in my head. I could think of so many things at once, but instead of coming up with any solutions I was just creating more things to worry about. It was becoming harder to remember what was so hard to get over. I blinked my eyes to clear them and read the clock on the cable box. It was 2:00 a.m.

I stood up, and everyone looked at me. I excused myself. I wanted to say I was going to bed, but I swallowed the words, remembering that I didn't need to sleep. Edward stood as I left the room but didn't say anything or follow me.

I felt tired as I walked down the stairs and wanted to go to sleep. I wanted my brain to stop for a while and recharge. It was such an odd feeling. I went into my room and closed the door gently behind me. I opened my drawers and pulled out my most comfortable pajamas and changed into them. I couldn't sleep, but I could definitely find some comfort bundled up in my blankets. I started to lie down but instead pulled the feather comforter off the bed and wrapped up in it. The cool cotton felt good around my body. I sat down in the chair in front of the window and closed my eyes.

The thoughts kept trying to creep back into my brain, but I wanted them to go away for a while. I focused instead on a vision of the beach. I imagined myself lying in the warm sand, the grains shifting around my body to form a perfect frame of support. I imagined the sun shining on my skin, the sound of the waves crashing and the seagulls calling, and the scent of the salty air. I wiped away all thoughts of anything else and felt my body relaxing.

I don't know how long I sat there until a knock at the door pulled me from my meditation. I knew I didn't need to let anyone in, but I did anyway, calling out softly "Come in."

Edward opened the door and looked at me. "Can I join you?"

I nodded and tried to swallow some of my nervousness.

He sat in the chair next to me and smiled at my cocoon. "Are you cold?"

I smiled and pushed the comforter down from around my face. "No, it just feels good."

We sat there together in silence just looking outside. I wanted to say so much, but I was afraid. I held my silence.

I felt his gaze on me, and I looked over. He looked so conflicted. He probably felt the same way I did, afraid to say the wrong thing.

He sighed. "You asked me a question outside, and I didn't have a chance to answer you."

I swallowed.

"You wanted to know what I want from you."

He stood from the chair and came over to me, kneeling in front of me. He didn't trap me in the chair, and he didn't try to touch me. He looked up at me, the moonlight made the dark circles under his eyes more prominent.

"I want a second chance, Bella. I want a chance to make a new life with you."

I closed my eyes and reached out to touch his face. He was warm. I wasn't expecting that. His hand came up and rested on top of mine holding my palm against his cheek.

I opened my eyes and met his. "I'm scared Edward." I hesitated knowing my next words were going to hurt him. "I don't know if I can trust you."

"I will prove to you that you can. I will never leave you again, Bella."

I desperately wanted to believe him. He put his head in my lap, and his arms wrapped loosely around my hips. It felt so good to be touching him. I hugged his shoulders and laid my head on his. I wanted a second chance too, but then I remembered that it wasn't going to be that simple. We couldn't just ride off into the sunset on a white horse.

There were things that needed to be taken care of.

"What about Victoria?" All the warmth was gone from my voice.

Edward lifted his head. "I will make sure she's taken care of. Soon she will no longer foul this world with her existence. She will pay for what she did. I promise you that."

I sat silent for a minute.

"I don't want you to take care of Victoria. She's mine._ I_ want to destroy her." I could see the worry in his eyes, but I wasn't a human any longer. I was strong and able to take her out, and I would. He wanted to argue with me.

"Edward, I'm not the same little helpless girl I once was. I am not going to be content until I've killed her."

I could feel the determination building in me, and I was sure he could see it in my eyes as he searched them.

"Okay, we'll do it like we always should have—together."

I knew what a concession he was making. It was a step in the right direction.

I stood from the chair and let the comforter fall to the ground at my feet. I pulled him up from his knees and put my arms around his waist in a loose hug. He gathered me closer and sighed when our bodies touched. I tucked my head under his chin and rested my cheek against his chest.

It felt so good to be held by him. I still hadn't forgiven him everything, but Rosalie had been right when she told me I could start my life over and make it whatever I wanted. And right then, in that moment, I just wanted to be held by Edward.

I pulled away enough to see his face. There was so much emotion in his gaze. I knew we had made a step toward finding a new connection.

"Take me hunting?"

He grinned and pulled my hand toward the door. I stopped long enough to slip on a pair of shoes and then followed him out of the house. I let go of his hand and sprinted ahead into the trees looking back to see his delighted grin.

A weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I let it go as I entered this new chapter of my life.

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><p><strong>xoxoxo<strong>

**Since we've been basically stuck in the same week for about six chapters next chapter will have a time jump-I think. I'm still working it out. My hyenas will be on Spring break next week and my bestie is coming home for the week from the wilds of NY, I may not have much time to write.**

**Thank you Jessypt for the brainstorming phone call. You rock, as always! **

**Thank you to everyone who reviews my story. I have been a major fail at sending you a reply. Please know that I read and treasure each one.**

**I am a bit better on Facebook, check out my page link on my profile. Twitter, too. at RachelMFZ **

**I also have a blog for my ff stories. **

**http : / bestscentever (dot) blogspot (dot) com**

**I will try to put something up each chapter.**


	20. Chapter 20 Just a Kiss

**Sorry for the long wait! Spring Break kicked my booty! I had no time to sleep let alone write.**

**Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. I own the plot and a Breaking Dawn cover for my iPhone.**

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><p>Chapter 20- Just a Kiss<p>

_Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight  
>Just a touch of the fire burning so bright<br>No, I don't wanna mess this thing up  
>I don't wanna push too far<br>Just a shot in the dark that you just might  
>Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life<br>So baby I'm alright  
>With just a kiss goodnight<em>

_I know that if we give this a little time_  
><em>It'll only bring us closer to the love we wanna find<em>  
><em>It's never felt so real<em>  
><em>No it's never felt so right<em>  
><em>- Lady Antebellum<em>

Bella POV

My feelings toward Edward had softened after we talked in my room, and more than anything I was excited to hunt with him. I stepped out of the house into the open yard and walked next to him into the trees.

The darkness of the night was slowly fading in the East, turning the sky from blue to purple. The forest was the prettiest just before dawn. The scents around me—the earthy smell of dirt and moss, the clean smell of the river, the tree pollen floating on the breeze—filled my nose with pleasure. It was all magnificent to me. My new senses delighted me, and no matter what had happened or why, I was glad to be so alive in that moment.

Edward walked with me, allowing me to lead and set our pace. I was content to stroll slowly through the forest. The leaves were so green and soft to the touch. The rough bark of the trees didn't scrape my new skin like it would have my fragile human skin.

I glanced over at him and took his hand. I let the past fade. I let the drama float away with the gentle wind that caressed my face. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, tasting the air like Rosalie had taught me. I caught the unappealing scent of deer. Edward must have smelled it, too. We followed it, the scent leading us down a familiar path. We quieted our footsteps and changed directions to be downwind from the herd.

The deer broke into a clearing in my meadow. I let go of Edward's hand and broke through the vegetation to pounce on the largest of the deer. He grabbed a doe close to me, and we drank from them. I didn't close my eyes, even though they became heavy with pleasure as the blood flowed down my throat. Instead, I watched Edward, impressed by how he fed.

His head was thrown back, his eyes closed. The deer didn't suffer. He soothed her with his hands and a flash of unfamiliar heat burst through me. I was feeling things for Edward I wasn't prepared for.

I pushed the buck off me, embarrassed by my train of thought and more than grateful Edward couldn't read my mind. His eyes met mine, and he gave me this huge smile. He walked over to me, and I felt the heat of his body as he came closer.

He swiped his thumb down the edge of my lower lip. "You have a little bit of…" My mouth went dry when he touched me, and I wanted to lick the blood off his thumb. I leaned toward him, staring at his mouth. His mouth opened slightly, and he reached behind my head to pull me into a kiss. He was so close I could feel his warm breath against my lips.

There were no thoughts in my brain. My body ruled me. I wanted him.

I closed my eyes as his lips touched mine. I leaned into his kiss and moaned at the rush of pleasure. I ran my hands up his back and pulled him closer. _This_ is what I needed.

Him.

We kissed until I was ready to throw him down on the grass and have my way with him. He slowed us down and placed soft little kisses on my lips and along my jawline to my ear.

"I love you, Bella, so much, but we need to slow down." His whispers sent shivers up my spine.

I nodded and took a deep breath to calm my senses. With that breath I caught the scent of something unfamiliar. It didn't smell like the deer, but it was still too off to be human. I turned away from Edward. My need for blood quickly replaced my need for him.

I crouched down and followed the appetizing aroma through the trees. I jumped over a fallen tree and came across my first bear. It reared up on its back legs in front of me and let out a fearsome growl. I lunged for the bear's neck, the predator in me taking over, just as Edward jumped in front of me pushing me out of the way, scaring the bear away. He turned to me and looked like he was about to have a heart attack.

"I'm sorry. I didn't think. I only saw the bear coming at you, and I freaked out."

The venom was pooling in my mouth and if he hadn't moved quickly, I would have caught him in the head with my fist. I was so pissed off I didn't even go after the bear. He apologized over and over again as he followed me, but I just stomped back to the house and buried myself in my blanket.

After that I only hunted with Rosalie. She was graceful and stealthy, and when I watched her I wanted to be just like her. Not just as a hunter but as a person. She had an inner strength that I'd never had. I hunted my first bear with her and hoped for a mountain lion after hearing that carnivorous animals tasted better.

It took me a couple of days to get over being mad at Edward. I knew his faults well, but in the four years that we were apart, I had raised him up and placed him on a pedestal. I had made him a saint in my mind, and the blame for that rested solely on my shoulders. I thought he was perfect and would never have left me if I had been the same, but Rosalie wouldn't let me think that way anymore. She and I had spent a lot of time together talking about Edward and the reasons he had left me in Forks.

Rosalie was direct and didn't mince words. She never spoke badly of Edward. She stated the facts and helped me realize that he was scared. His overly protective ways were because he wanted me safe. He didn't want to lose me.

"Bella, men don't think rationally. It took me a long time to figure this out, but as much as they'll deny it, they think with their hearts first, not their heads. He loves you and is stupid because of it."

We sat by the river in the shade of a tree. The flowing water was soothing, and the grass felt like velvet as I ran my fingers through it.

"So, do I just accept that he's like that and be happy about it?"

Rosalie shrugged. "I don't know. How can you change him? I think it will lessen in time as he is more assured of your strength. Sometimes it's even hard for me to remember you're a vampire now. I'm sure it's even harder for him to see and accept you as such."

She paused. "I have to be honest with you. This plan of yours to go after Victoria on your own is ridiculous. The thought of you going up against her is driving him crazy."

I tensed up immediately and turned to face her. "I will ki—"

"I know you want to kill her, but she's strong. It's better that she comes to us and we help you take her out," she said, interrupting me.

"I told Edward we would do it together. I agreed to that, but it's been a week and we haven't heard anything. I want this finished. My father deserves to be at peace."

"Your father would be at peace if you were. He wouldn't have wanted you to risk your life to avenge him. He would want what Edward wants: for you to be safe and happy."

"No matter what happens, I won't be happy until she is destroyed."

"I know."

She did know. Rosalie understood my need for revenge more than Edward did. He wasn't willing to go looking for Victoria. He wanted her to come to us. I was antsy to end the whole scenario. Add to that the confusion and apprehension everyone felt about Irina's relationship with her, and it was easy to understand why everyone was on edge. Irina was a part their family, and her possible betrayal hurt. Victoria had proven herself a master manipulator, and Edward was sure Irina would lead her right to us.

"Has Tanya heard from Irina yet?"

Rosalie shook her head. "Carlisle spoke to her this morning, but they still haven't heard from Irina. She won't take or return their calls. She'll come soon enough. Alice will see it and we'll be prepared."

I nodded.

We sat there in the grass watching the darkness fall over us. I loved this time of night-twilight. I enjoyed the peace I felt next to Rosalie. Our friendship was something I'm sure even Alice couldn't have predicted. I lay back in the grass and closed my eyes, relishing the sounds around me.

I had made peace with Carlisle. After hunting with Rosalie late one night, I came back and both he and Esme were in the great room under the pretense of reading, but I knew they had been waiting for us when they set aside their unopened books. The sun was starting to peek over the horizon and as it lit the gold in Esme's eyes it was as if she had tears welling in them.

I moved right into her arms. She held me and kept whispering she was sorry, but I was the one who was sorry. They had taken me in, and I had done nothing but resent and hurt them.

"I'm sorry. I should be thanking you, but I haven't."

She rocked me in his arms and brushed my hair away from my face. "My dear, you don't need to thank me."

I allowed her to hold me, and I stayed that way until I gained enough courage to look at Carlisle. It was he who had truly saved me. He had worried over me for months, and I had paid him back by trying to kill myself. I reached for his hand. Edward was watching us from across the room. Carlisle sat next to me on the couch and took my hand.

I tightened my fingers around his. "Thank you for saving me."

He kissed my forehead. "I didn't save you, Bella. Edward did, but if he hadn't I would have. I couldn't let you die that way either. You are a part of my heart and have been since we found you, maybe even longer than that. I would never have forgiven myself if I'd let you die."

I felt my throat get full and knew that tears were one of the human things I would miss most. These would have been a mixture of happiness and grief; Happiness because I understood why they saved me. They loved me as much as I loved them. And grief because it had taken me this long to figure it out.

A new lightness settled on me after I talked to them. It should have been a perfect time to approach Alice, but I didn't. She and Jasper were spending their time with Bree and Diego, teaching them to hunt and our way of life. It truly was _our_ way of life. I had no thoughts of living any other way. I watched her spend time with Bree and let jealousy delay my speaking with her even longer. I avoided her. It was hard to do with the relatively small size of the house, but she seemed to understand that I wasn't ready.

The tension in the house had become unbearable. She and Jasper decided to take a short trip taking Diego and Bree with them. She left me a note before they departed telling me she hoped the time apart would allow me the chance to settle things with Edward without worrying about her. She told me she loved me, and I knew without a doubt she did.

I looked up at the stars, watching them twinkle and shimmer against the inky black sky. I expected them back any day, and I would settle things as soon as she came back. The longer I waited the harder it was to work up the courage to confront her. I knew deep down I needed to understand how she could have left me, how she could have let Edward leave me the way he had. She had seen our future. She told me she had, but she still let him make the decision that irrevocably changed us both. I wanted to know why.

Just thinking about it again brought the hurt and anger back to the surface. I truly hated the new intensity of the feelings I experienced. I had a new capacity for feeling that was hard to understand and manage. Out of the blue I would be hit with jealousy so deep I could feel it rolling through my body. I wanted to rip Bree away from Alice. I wanted to reclaim her as my friend, but then anger would smother me and I would stomp away to kick a rock.

Edward was always near me, and he laughed as I kicked rocks across the river, only making me madder. He was safe, the one person it seemed, besides Rosalie, to whom I could express all my confusion. I could be angry with him or frustrated, but he was always there and unerringly patient with me. My feelings for him were hard to control as well.

We had spent a lot of time together. It was almost as if we had picked up where we left off in Forks. He would read to me while I lay in his lap. We would walk and talk about everything except the cloud of distrust hanging over our heads. I had taken to going into my room and locking the door. I needed that time to process what I was feeling. I wanted him in a way that I was incredibly unsure of, and more than anything I was deathly afraid of him rejecting any overtures I made. I was afraid to give him everything again.

I heard him walking toward me and Rosalie and sat up to greet him. Rosalie patted my leg and left us alone. He sat down in the grass next to me.

"What are you two out here talking about?"

I smiled at him. "Wouldn't you like to know?"

"That's ok. I read Rosalie's mind. Did she really call me stupid?"

"That's rude," I teased him with a laugh and bumped his shoulder with mine. "She always thinks you're stupid."

He snorted at that, causing me to laugh even harder, but then he became more serious. "I know_ she_ does, but do you think I'm stupid for wanting to keep you safe."

I had to think about it for a minute. This conversation had deeper roots than the bear.

"No, I get why the bear freaked you out, but…" I hesitated, trying to decide if I wanted to have this discussion yet again. "I still don't understand why you thought leaving me would protect me."

He had a very pained look on his face. "I _was_ stupid."

He moved closer to me, draped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me close to him. "I only left in the first place because I wanted you to have a chance at a normal life. I could see how being with me constantly put you in danger. I thought I was protecting you by taking the danger inherent to who I am away. Instead, I condemned you to a life I never wanted for you, not immortality, but the pain and devastation you faced when we were apart. I wanted to spare you pain, not cause it. I don't think I ever truly accepted how much you loved me. I am a monster who never deserved someone as good as you are, and I will forever regret hurting you."

He tilted my chin up gently with his hand and placed a soft kiss on my lips. "I want to keep you safe now because I love you so much. You are my life. I know how hard it was to live without you, and I can't live that way again. Please be patient with me and try to understand."

Hearing him say he loved me made me feel so good. I nodded and took in everything he said. I pulled away from him and stood up. I brushed the grass off of my jeans and changed the subject. It was too beautiful a night to sit here rehashing things that couldn't be changed. We walked along the river, skipping rocks, just enjoying each other's company.

We ended our night as he escorted me to the door of my bedroom. He pulled me close and kissed me deeply, the caress of his lips expressing his love. Part of me wanted to invite him in, but I was too afraid to say the words, too scared to take the next step. I had to protect myself.

I closed my door and leaned against it. It was just a kiss, but it felt so right.

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><p><strong>xoxoxo<strong>

**I can't ever be able to thank Jessypt enough for her help and guidance. I know she's just a tweet away all the time to help me. She adds little things here and there that make the story better than what I have written. Thanks Jess. xoxo**

**Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed last chapter! I'm over 300 reviews and am so grateful you take the time to tell me how you feel about what I write. Each review warms my heart! I really tried to catch up on some replies and hope I didn't miss anyone.**

**I have entered the Hope Springs Eternal one-shot contest and I know it's short notice,, but please head over there and check out the fantastce entries. It's anonymous so I can't tell you which one is mine, but read them, leave a review and most importantly vote for your favorites! http : / www. fanfiction. net /~ hopespringseternalcontest I adore my story and can't wait for the contest to end so I can post it on my profile! Voting ends tomorrow so head over and check it out please!**

**No promises but chapter 21 is half written. I will post it as soon as it's done! **


	21. Chapter 21 How to Save a Life

Chapter 21- How to Save a Life

_Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
>Somewhere along in the bitterness<br>And I would have stayed up with you all night  
>Had I known how to save a life<em>

_-The Fray_

_Alice POV_

Sadness. Tension. The never-ending awkwardness. It was hanging over my head like a black cloud and was beginning to suffocate me. Bella stared right through me like I was glass, and each time she did I felt like I would shatter from the pain.

Never for one minute did I regret saving her. Never for one minute did I resent Edward giving her a new life. But I did have to live with the gut-wrenching remorse that I left her in the first place—that I let Edward leave her.

I had seen their future. I knew she was destined to be a vampire. I saw her as part of Edward's—of my—future so clearly, and I still let him make the biggest mistake of his life. I have excuses, but none of them are even worthy of sharing with her.

On the night of her birthday, I saw how the devastation, his loss of control affected Jasper, and I only had concern for him. When Edward said we had to leave I went for Jasper alone and, truthfully, didn't realize how our decision would affect Bella.

I saw Edward days after we left Forks, and it was all he could do to stand on his two feet. His future became gray and so undefined it hurt to try and see anything. As for Bella, her future changed so quickly I couldn't keep up. I focused on Jasper and tried to keep him centered when he wanted to leave the family because of his great shame. I would have left with him, but it wasn't where our futures lay. I convinced him to stay. Instead, Edward left, and slowly Bella's future faded until I saw nothing more.

I'd never been as close to another human as I had been to Bella. I had assumed I couldn't see her future because it wasn't connected to ours any longer. I pushed my sadness away and figured Edward was right. She could have a full, normal human life without our interference, and no matter how much I mourned the absence of her in my life, I sought comfort in those thoughts.

When I started having the visions of Bella I was confused. Edward was living apart from us, and his future lacked her presence. The visions were infrequent, and although they showed me things I didn't want to see for her, like drugs and being hurt, I still clung to the idea that she was better off without us.

When the visions of her dying started to manifest, though, I had to act. I couldn't stand the thought of her being dead. What I hadn't expected, or maybe just ignored because I didn't want to accept, was that she would be angry because I deserted her.

I did desert her.

I never even said goodbye to her.

In some small, stupid way I thought saving her life would make up for leaving her. I thought she would be so happy to see me she would forgive everything, and our relationship would be what it had been before we left.

Not only was I stupid, I was arrogant. I totally disregarded her feelings, and because of that I lost my best friend, and quite possibly, the opportunity to be a part of her new life.

I resigned myself to being as inconspicuous as possible and watched her for days, learning how to live her new life, to hunt, to control herself, and more importantly to find the connection she and Edward once had. I didn't want to put any pressure on her to talk to me, so I kept busy with teaching Bree and Diego the same things.

I sat at the top of the stairs and listened as Bella spoke to Carlisle and Esme. I stayed quietly hidden and was awed by her grace. Every word of forgiveness was a vivid reminder of the old Bella. I thought it was a turning point and that my turn was around the corner, but all I got from her were glances and furrowed brows.

Bree was keen to learn everything about our lifestyle. She had grown up in an abusive home and had run away a few months before she was changed. Even though we were far from the normal family we were more normal that the one she grew up in. She adored Esme and looked upon Carlisle with awe. She, more than anything, wanted to be good. Diego was very protective of her, and it seemed to me he was only sticking around because of her. He acted as though he would bolt at the slightest provocation. He never shared, but I assumed from his reticence he'd had a tough life before being changed, as well, and couldn't accept that we took them in without ulterior motives.

As I spent more time with Bree I felt the tension in the house growing thicker. Jasper was ready to explode and force and Bella to talk. I knew that wouldn't accomplish what I hoped. Instead, I suggested we take Bree and Diego for a visit to Peter and Charlotte's. There was another vampire life out there from what they had experienced with Victoria, and Jasper felt it would be beneficial for them to experience it before they truly decided to commit to our lifestyle.

We discussed leaving with Carlisle. He felt it couldn't hurt and agreed with us about offering Bree and Diego a chance to see a different life. It hurt me to leave again without saying goodbye. I decided to at least leave her a note and expressed my hope that we could talk when I came home.

I wanted to be a part of her life as more than background decoration. I wanted to be her friend again. I saw a vision of her reading the note, but all she did was sit on the edge of her bed. Her future remained undefined.

Peter and Charlotte had a small house in the mountains of North Carolina. It was always nice to visit with them. While they drank human blood, they were conscientious, like Edward had been long ago, of their choice in victims.

They welcomed us with open arms. Many times I thought Jasper might have preferred to live with them, but my home—and his—was with our family. If things with Bella didn't change maybe we would go away until she was able to forgive me. I owed her whatever she wanted.

Peter was obsessed with watching the news. He could pick up subtle signs of vampire activity by the reports of violence. He, like all of us, knew the violence in Mexico was not always drug-related, like the media supposed. The clans in that area still fought battles, though more covertly than they used to.

He mentioned the reports of a suspected serial killer that had left a string of victims across Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, and northern New York. The killings seemed to be progressing in a wave that moved across the Great Lakes region. The high body count and increasing number of missing person reports were both classic signs of a newborn vampire army, an army that seemed to be heading straight for our home. I was stumped as to why I wasn't seeing Victoria's plan. With the added familiarity of Irina, I should have been able to pick up on something, but my mind was quiet on that subject.

Diego and Bree decided to stay with Peter and Charlotte for the time being. They were both shocked by what we supposed was Victoria's plan and were still afraid Riley would make good on his threats to kill them. They were young, and frankly, Diego gave me no reason to trust him at my back during a battle.

We left with promises to reunite soon and started our drive back to New Hampshire. Jasper was relaxed and happy, and as soon as I started thinking about Bella, I felt the tension build in my shoulders. He brushed his hand against the top of mine, tangled our fingers, and squeezed slightly. Relaxation washed over me, and I basked in the peace as we drove home in companionable silence.

It was quite late when we arrived, and I was surprised to see Edward walk out to meet us. I could see from the way he carried himself, and the change in his face, that things between him and Bella were better. It had been hard seeing him suffer.

He reached for my bag and carried it into the house. As we started up the stairs, I couldn't help but notice the look of longing he sent to Bella's closed door. He set my bag down by the door, and Jasper and I followed him into the family room. He sat down on the couch.

"How was your trip?"

I sat down in the chair, pulling my legs up, while Jasper perched on the arm next to me.

"It was good. It's always nice to spend time with Peter and Charlotte."

"I see you left the infants with them."

"Yeah, they seemed very happy there. Diego was more relaxed, but to Peter's dismay, Bree won't hunt anything but animals." He smiled at that. "How's Bella doing?"

"She's better. She will only let me get so close though, and then she puts up a wall." He brushed his hand through his hair, his signature move of frustration, and looked up at me with sad eyes. "I desperately wish I could turn back the clock."

"Me too," I said sympathetically. I heard Carlisle come up the stairs and smiled at him. Jasper stood to greet him and he leaned over me to kiss my cheek before moving to sit next to Edward.

"I'm glad you're back," Carlisle said.

"I'm glad to be back."

Edward sat forward. "Have you seen the news?"

I knew exactly what he was talking about. "Yeah, we saw some of the coverage CNN was reporting last night. It looks as if it won't be long before we see Victoria."

"Have you seen anything?" Carlisle asked me.

"No, nothing. Peter is worried about the attention the killings are garnering. Actually, he's more worried about the Volturi getting involved."

Carlisle shook his head. "I wouldn't be worried about that happening, but I should send a note to Aro informing him about Bella."

"It's probably a good thing you left Diego and Bree with Peter and Charlotte. Having to explain three new additions to our family probably wouldn't go over very well."

Edward was right. I hadn't had any experience with the Volturi, but from what Carlisle had told us, they wouldn't look favorably upon a family of our size, especially if they discovered our gifts.

"I'll try to watch for Aro's decisions as well, but if I start looking for too much I'm going to miss things."

Carlisle put his hand on my knee. "It's not your responsibility, and we would never ask that of you. You'll see what you see, and we'll be as prepared for every eventuality as we can be. Jasper, you have experience with newborns. I think it will be beneficial for all of us to have some training if it comes to a fight, especially Bella."

Edward let out a disgruntled noise and threw his arms in the air, grabbing his hair in both hands, making Carlisle pause.

"Edward, she's determined to go after Victoria, and I believe the safest thing we can do is prepare her. She is still so unpredictable. All we need is for her to take off after her with no idea what she's up against. At least if she's had some training she'll be more aware of what she'll be facing."

Jasper hung his head down, not meeting Edward's eyes. "I agree with Carlisle. Not to mention right now she's the strongest vampire on our side. We're outnumbered, and we're going to need her strength to even the odds."

"No! This is ridiculous!" Edward yelled and jumped up, throwing Carlisle's hand off his shoulder when he tried to comfort him. "She is not going to fight Victoria or anyone. I am not going to lose her."

Edward's eyes were wild, his chest puffed up like he was ready to fight us all. I caught a movement out of the corner of my eye. It was Bella. She was standing quietly at the top of the stairs looking at us. Her eyes had faded from the bright red they had been and glowed more orange, like a blazing fire. She held my gaze for a second and then moved over to Edward's side. She put her hand on his arm. He was so focused on his anger he jumped, unaware she was there.

"I agree with Carlisle. I do need some training." She pulled Edward down on the sofa and held his hand, rubbing it softly to calm him down. "I'm not going to go after Victoria alone. I promised you that, but I've seen the news reports, too, and I know they're coming. I should at least be able to defend myself. Maybe even kick some ass."

Edward's jaw clenched and his teeth were grinding, but he knew as well as we did that teaching Bella was the right thing to do. Bella patted his leg, kissed the back of his hand, and looked up into my eyes. She stood from the sofa and started to walk away. My heart sank again until she turned around.

Her voice was unsure and wavered with uncertainty. "Alice, can I talk to you alone?" I jumped up, eager to finally get the chance to do this, and followed her to her room.

She stood by the door and gestured me in and over to the chairs sitting in front of the window. She pulled a fleece blanket off the foot of her bed and wrapped it around her shoulders. We stayed that way for a while before she spoke in a quiet voice.

"I have to be completely honest with you. I don't know how to feel anymore. I think I feel one way and then another emotion comes out of left field and whacks me over the head. I just know that I don't want to live my life like this. I can't have this tension between us, but I am mad and hurt and don't know how to reconcile those feelings."

I moved forward to the edge of the chair. This was my chance to apologize and maybe make her understand how much she meant to me.

"Bella, I can see visions of the future, but more than anything I wish I had the ability to go back in time. I would change everything that happened after your birthday if I could. There are also a lot of things I wouldn't change. I wouldn't change getting a chance to know you."

"I would change what you and Edward were… are. You changed Edward in so many ways, and I have always seen you in his future. You're his soul mate. If I had taken the time to stand up to him when he wanted to leave you none of this would have happened."

I blew out a slow, long breath, looking down and then back up at her. "I'm so sorry, Bella. I wish I could make you see just how much, but I will never regret saving you from death that day in New York or for letting Edward change you. That wasn't the way your story was supposed to end."

Bella sat in the chair next to me with her forehead pressed against her pulled-up knees, her eyes closed. I didn't know what else to say, so I sat there waiting until she mumbled into her knees.

"I need you, Alice. I need Edward. I need this whole family, and that scares me more than facing a pack of newborns on my own. Nothing that could ever happen to me could hurt more than losing you all again. I can't leave and go out on my own because I can't live apart from him…you again. But you all left me once without a single glance over your shoulders. How am I supposed to ever be assured it won't happen again? That I won't wake up one day and find you all gone again?

"I sit alone in my room every night aching to be in Edward's arms, but I'm too afraid."

I didn't even know how to respond to the hurt and fear in her voice. I swallowed the lump in my throat.

"I will never do that to you, Bella, and Edward would rather die than hurt you again. I don't know how to rebuild your trust."

She shook her head. "Me neither. I can't trust any of you. I'm so scared."

How do I do it? How do we prove ourselves? It was a mind-boggling question. It was also a horrible feeling to remember how she had blindingly trusted me once and that our actions ruined her innocence. We took away a part of her that was once so pure and beautiful. We made her into the girl she had become, and we had to accept that. All we could do was prove, with every action, every day for the next hundred years, that we would never leave her.

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><p><strong>xoxoxo<strong>

**It looks like it's taking me two weeks to knock these chapters out. I hope they're worth the wait. Please (I may resort to begging soon) leave me a review and tell me what your thinking.**

**Thank you to my beta Jessypt for adding one word into a sentence that doesn't work and making it perfect and exactly what I wanted to say. Your help and guidance means so much to me.**

**Also I won 1st place popular vote for my entry in the Hope Springs Eternal 2012 contest, Cherry Blossoms and Second Chances. Check it out on my profile and leave me some love.**

**_Summary:_ Torn apart by drugs and insecurity, a chance meeting in the Metro station offers them a second chance at love. Will hopeless circumstances bring them together or tear them apart forever?**


	22. Chapter 22 Brick by Brick

**I'm late. Baseball,T-Ball, ice skating, dance club, preschool party, field trip to the zoo (where we discovered that gorillas drink their own urine), field trip to the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History (Where third grade boys saw the boobs of a cavewoman and I had to let my son go into the mens room by himself) Go-to class mom who put in 20 hours making copies. Oh and an American Girl Birthday party for my daughter.**

**Excuses...but I hope this chapter makes up for it.**

**P.S. All the good parts are because of Jessypt.**

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><p>Chapter 21- Brick by Brick<p>

_All the pictures that we've taken  
>and the songs that we have played<br>They have all kept track and  
>followed back the love that we have made.<br>Now they're spread out on the  
>surface where we can try to congregate<br>It's not too late to believe that we can get it all again_

_Brick by brick,_

_we can build it from the floor,  
>If we hold onto each other,<br>we'll be better than before.  
>And brick by brick,<br>we'll get back to yesterday  
>When I made your body shiver and<br>when you took my breath away,  
>you took my breath away<em>

_-Train_

_Edward POV _

The cool spring weather in the mountains slowly changed over to pleasant summer heat. It had been a month since Alice and Jasper came home and still there was no sign of Victoria. We kept in close contact with the Denalis, but they had not heard from Irina either. Tanya mentioned heading this way but was torn between her loyalty to Irina and her loyalty to us.

I understood why Irina was with Victoria. They had something in common: the loss of their mates, both dead by our hands. None of her family had liked Laurent, and they'd had a feeling that he was using Irina to gain insight into the way we lived, but they couldn't convince Irina of that. She had fallen in love, and it saddened me that the trail of people hurt by James' mistakes had grown even longer. Now she was in Victoria's sphere of manipulation, and I was afraid lost to all of us.

We still watched the news, but the reports of the supposed serial killer dwindled. We had waited tensely for weeks for Victoria to show her hand, but nothing happened. The intense killings ceased, leaving us at a loss for what she had planned next.

We remained vigilant, and I set to rebuilding my relationship with Bella. Knowing she had lost all trust in me was an incredibly painful feeling. I knew she held a lot of hurt, confusion, anger and sadness inside of her. I wanted to take those emotions away and replace them with only happiness, but it was hard. I had to take the time to really understand her feelings. It was the only way to begin rebuilding the trust I had broken.

What I did to her was wrong. I had accepted that and had asked for forgiveness, telling her I would never leave her again, but in order for those words to truly have any meaning, my actions had to be in harmony with them.

I had told her the truth about why I had left and the more I'd explained, the more I realized how selfish my excuses sounded. I was selfish; every decision I had made was steeped with my own selfish desires in mind. Even trying to protect Bella had been about me. It was painful to swallow my pride, but building a stronger relationship with Bella was my first priority.

I also let go of the secrecy. I had been hiding many things about Victoria from her and realized it wasn't worth keeping secrets anymore. It took tremendous effort to shield her from it, and the hurt in her eyes when she discovered I was doing it tore my heart to shreds. Every time I was tempted to keep something from her, I remembered how secrets had shattered her trust in me—us—the first time. In the time we'd been back together, we had cultivated a small amount of trust; I knew if I wasn't completely honest with her, there would be no hope for us.

As time passed, I told her everything about myself that I had always held back for fear of disgusting or scaring her. In doing this I hoped she would be able to understand my feelings more clearly. I wanted her to understand why I reacted to things the way I did. Trying to figure that out myself took a lot of self-contemplation and a conversation with Carlisle.

He had been concerned about how Bella felt and was reacting to my overprotective nature. He worried about my reactions to things like her training, for instance, and how they might be perceived. After suppressing my initial urge to defend my actions, I knew he was right. I had reacted like a jerk when Jasper suggested we teach her how to fight and defend herself. She needed training. Everybody agreed, including me five minutes after I stuck my foot in my mouth, but my first instinct was to do whatever I needed to do to keep her safe. I knew she was not a fragile human anymore, but the thought of losing her again burned inside of me.

I wanted to take her away, take her somewhere safe, like the island off of the coast of Brazil that Carlisle gave Esme, but without Carlisle even having to tell me I knew it was a bad idea. Leaving would have kept her safe, but it would have made her resentful and even more closed off than she already was. And as much as I might have wished otherwise, we were nowhere near ready for the intimacy of Isle Esme. Bella would have seen right through any attempt on my part to getaway as nothing more than another attempt to control her.

Instead, I decided to work on getting things back to normal. Victoria was always in the back of my mind, and Bella started learning to fight. I tried to teach her, but I couldn't attack her. After the hurt I had already caused her, I couldn't fathom even messing up her hair let alone trying to toss her to the ground. After several failed attempts, I left the training to the others.

With training off my mind, I focused all my attention on courting her. Until we started, I didn't realize we'd never gone through that stage last time. We went hunting together, something she had wanted to do with me but hadn't because of the way I had freaked out before. She'd taken to hunting with everyone but me, and after some convincing, she let me take her. She was magnificent. To see her that way helped me realize I was getting what I'd never believed possible—the chance for forever with her.

I brought her flowers and little gifts. Carlisle had given her a cell phone, but I also bought her an iPod. We spent days just laying in her meadow, listening to the music I added to it. She still hated me spending money on her, but she couldn't hide her childish delight at the boxes of books I'd ordered for her.

We spent a string of sunny clear summer days indoors playing countless games of Monopoly; it was one of the few games people would play with me because my mind-reading didn't give me the advantage. We had a blast. It was effortless and intimate. We would sit side-by-side, her thigh would brushing against mine whenever she'd move, sending bolts of lightning up to my brain, and from the sideways looks she had given me, I knew she felt something too.

She still retired to her room —alone. I knew I could have asked to be invited in when I kissed her cheek at her door, but I didn't. She still looked at me with a guarded look that tore at my confidence, and until her eyes were clear and fully welcoming, trusting, I wouldn't share her bed.

One night, after holding Bella a little longer outside her room, I walked down to my room in the basement and chose a CD. I was lying on my bed and would have been startled if I hadn't heard his thoughts. Still a big kid, Emmett thought he was quiet enough to come undetected. His plan was to open the door and land on top of me. I moved quickly, grabbed the door knob, and pulled just as he was about to turn it.

"Boo!"

Emmett screamed like a girl. "What the—damn it, Edward!"

I laughed so hard at his expression I doubled over. "As if you could surprise me. Nice try though. Maybe you shouldn't have such shouty thoughts."

"Whatever. I'll get you some day when you least expect it." He walked over to my CDs and shook his head. He didn't like my taste in music. "What are you doing down here? After that display upstairs between you two I would have guessed you'd finally be in her room gettin' some."

I shook my head and tried for a disapproving look. "She's not ready."

"So, what? You're down here being a moody ass? You need to make a move instead of sending her all these mixed signals. Hell, even I'm confused."

I sighed. "She's so tentative with me. I'm afraid to scare her."

"Dude, even a blind man could see her confusion. Bella thinks you don't want her. She told Rose she's afraid you're only sticking around because you feel like you have to. You need to do something different, and soon. It's only going to get harder and harder."

Emmett was right. I'd told Bella I wanted her, but I hadn't shown her. I needed to change that.

All night long I thought about what Emmett had said and how I could show her exactly how I felt. It was almost dawn when an idea formed clearly in my head. She had never read the Harry Potter series, being more a fan of the classics, and neither had I. After some digging, I found the books on one of the bookshelves in the living room. A short while later, when golden rays of sunshine started to peek above the horizon, I knocked on her bedroom door. She opened the door with a smile on her face that took my breath away.

"Good morning."

I tucked the blanket I'd grabbed from the linen closet under my arm and reached for her hand, kissing it lightly. I was thrilled by the goose bumps that formed, but I ignored them.

"Hi. It's going to be a gorgeous day outside. How about we go to the meadow and start reading the first Harry Potter book?"

She looked out the window. "It's awfully sunny out. What if someone sees us?"

"I checked with Alice; we'll be fine. I need to get out of the house."

She agreed and together we walked out on the path that had been made for her. She raised her face to the sky, reveling in her still new vampire luster and how it refracted the light in beautiful shimmer of colors. I looked at her beauty and wanted more.

"You are so beautiful."

A warm smile spread across her face, and I could tell by the way her eyes flashed to the ground that had she been human her cheeks would have been warm and pink.

My chest swelled at the knowledge I could still make her feel that way. I reached for her hand, and after a second of hesitation, she slid her fingers between mine.

I used to keep her at arm's length to resist the urge to hold her or kiss her too hard, but I didn't have to do that anymore. She was no longer the breakable human I had fallen in love with. She was strong, so solid and beautiful, so graceful. I only wished she would let me in, that she'd close the distance between us.

When we arrived at the meadow, I released her hand and smoothed the blanket out on the grass, so we could lie down. Birds chipped happily, and a gentle breeze brushed across our skin. The sun had made the forest smell so clean, and I was happy we were able to have a place we could go without being noticed by humans. Bella lay next to me on her stomach and opened the book. I propped myself up on my side and brushed the hair away from her cheek, so I could see her as she read aloud.

I watched her mouth form the words, but I wasn't following. She set the book down and smiled over at me.

"Are you even listening?"

I shook my head and cupped her cheek in my hands. She rolled over onto her side and closed her eyes as I moved my hand to her neck and tilted her face up toward mine.

"Bella, I want to kiss you," I whispered against her cheek.

She nodded her head and moistened her lips with the tip of her tongue. I moved in slowly, but as soon as our lips met I instantly deepened the kiss. I pulled her body against mine and rolled her so I was hovering over her. I tucked a wayward strand of hair behind her ear and ran my hands down her side, gently brushing a sliver of skin that was showing between her shirt and pants.

She ran her hand up over my chest and wound one of them around my neck into my hair, keeping me pressed against her lips. The other hand clutched at my shirt near my waist.

The sensation of her body under mine was almost overwhelming. I hitched her leg over my hip and ran my hand up and down the back of her thigh until she broke away from my kiss and threw her head back with a moan.

I wasn't about to let her stop me. I kissed her jaw down to her neck and resisted the urge to suck on the delicate skin. She tasted so amazing. She reached for the buttons on my shirt and alarms went off in my head, but I didn't stop her. She pushed my shirt off and tugged at my t-shirt until I pulled it off over my head.

I was kneeling above her and looked down to see her swollen lips and eyes filled with passion and pulled her up to my mouth. But this time I went slower. We kissed and nibbled, tasted and teased. I put my hand under her shirt and caressed her bare back while she explored my chest with her hands and lips. Her touch was almost more than I could bear. I felt like I would explode, embarrassing myself.

"Edward."

I nuzzled her neck. "Hmm?" She had stopped caressing me, and I wanted to arch into her hands and beg her not to stop. The corner of her eyes tightened and I froze. "What's wrong?"

"I—uh—I'm not ready for this. There's something I need to tell you first."

She started trembling in my arms, but it wasn't from pleasure. I knew what she was going to say. Alice told me about her boyfriend in New York. I pulled away and held her gently so I could see her face without breaking the contact we had. I kissed both of her eyelids and her mouth.

"Today—you and me—is about what I'm feeling right now. It has nothing to do with the past—our past, mine or yours. I want you in any way I can have you. I just couldn't go any longer without touching you. Nothing you have to say is going to change how I feel or what I want."

Her eyes locked with mine. She stared, deep and searching, and I waited for her to find what she needed. I wanted her to see the truth behind my words, the sincerity of my heart, and to know that she was everything, _everything_, to me.

Her eyes fluttered closed and then back open as she reached for my face and pulled me in for a kiss. There were no words, no explanation, but I didn't care. I could feel the shift, feel the way she had opened her heart to me.

We spent the day pressed as close as we could. We read the first Harry Potter book, but I don't remember a thing except for the taste of her skin.

I walked her to her room that night and just like every night I kissed her tenderly. As I moved away, her fingers wrapped around my wrist, each one claiming me in a way I had never felt.

My eyes traveled from my wrist to her face. Her eyes were bright, golden and shiny, and I felt the breath I didn't even need catch in my throat.

"Stay with me."

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><p><strong>xoxoxo-<strong>

**Progress? **

**I wasn't exaggerating, I owe so much of this chapter to Jessypt's talent. I am in awe of her. Thank you for the time you take out of your busy life to help me. I wish I could hug you!**

**Thank you for your thoughtful reviews. I wait with bated breath to see what you think. Leave me some love! (Please...)**


	23. Chapter 23 Ours

Chapter 23- Ours

_This time is ours_  
><em>If I could hold this moment in my hands<em>  
><em>I'd stop the world from moving<em>  
><em>I'd stop the clocks from turning<em>

_This time is ours_  
><em>Inside a frozen memory of us<em>  
><em>And we are motionless, motionless<em>

_Gone like a dream_  
><em>That I have just awoken from<em>  
><em>Fading away, just out of reach<em>

_And we are here_  
><em>But I already miss you<em>  
><em>Even as you're lying next to me<em>

_-The Bravery_

_From Chapter 22: _

_I walked her to her room that night and just like every night I kissed her tenderly. As I moved away, her fingers wrapped around my wrist, each one claiming me in a way I had never felt. _

_My eyes traveled from my wrist to her face. Her eyes were bright, golden and shiny, and I felt the breath I didn't even need catch in my throat._

"_Stay with me."_

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><p><em>Bella POV<em>

I said the words. As he began to walk away from my door I couldn't let him go. I had experienced a closeness with him I had never felt before and could feel the walls surrounding my heart crumbling. I needed him to stay with me.

I pulled him into the room, closing the door behind us. I rested my trembling hand on the door before turning to face him. He must have seen it too because I felt his arms come around me, and he gently pulled me back against his chest.

He whispered in my ear. "You're shaking. Are you nervous?"

I was. Me inviting him in could mean so many things, but was I ready for any of them? I just shook my head at him, not wanting to admit my anxiety, and turned in his arms. He was smiling down at me. I put my arms around his neck and pulled him down to my mouth. His kisses electrified me. He swung me up in his arms and took me over to the bed.

He sat me down on the bed gently, and I lowered my head until I was lying back on the pillow. He reclined next to me and ran his hand down the side of my neck. The love and wonder in his eyes chased away any doubt I had left that allowing him close to me in this way was wrong.

"I need you. I want to love you." He caressed my cheek and softly brushed his thumb across my lips.

I shivered from his touch and nodded at the unspoken question in his eyes. I wrapped one hand around his neck and used the other on his waist to pull his body on top of mine. The feel of his weight on me was amazing. I wanted him to kiss me but he pulled away slightly so he could still see my face.

"I love you so much. There is never a moment I don't want to be next to you."

My throat thickened with emotion, and I pulled him closer for a kiss. I still expected to feel the coolness of his lips; a human memory that had not been lost. The heat of his mouth surprised me, and I deepened the kiss. My hands twisted his shirt and all thoughts of anxiety were gone. I needed him.

Edward pushed my shirt up and kissed his way across my ribs. I couldn't help but gasp at the intense pleasure I experienced from his touch. I ran my hands up over the muscles in his back and reveled in the noises he made when I lightly ran my nails over his skin.

Our clothing came off in moves that were slow—human slow. There were no quick vampire movements in our foreplay. Even though I felt frantic and needy, I wanted to remember every moment of this night and rushing would have made that difficult.

When he moved my legs apart and came over me I thought I would die from the thrilling feel of his bare skin against mine. The warmth, the pressing weight of his body, the way he looked at me with utter wonder, all made me throw my head back and call his name, begging him to come closer.

He kissed my neck, and his hands were suddenly everywhere at once. He seemed to be as overwhelmed by the new sensations as I was. He made love to me thoroughly, and when we finished together, the peak seemed to go on higher than I had ever imagined possible. We made magic together.

We spent the night exploring each other and discovering what each of us wanted. I never wanted it to end, but the sun began to rise. The unofficial ending to our first night together. I lay there on my side, my back pressed tightly against his chest, a sheet wrapped loosely around our bodies. I wanted to go to sleep. I couldn't, of course, but I felt an ache in my chest for the sweet oblivion sleep would bring. We didn't speak, the only noise in the room were the breaths we took. I was afraid to break the moment and knowing Edward, he was over-thinking it more than I was.

"Bella." He kissed my shoulder. "I love you."

I smiled. Those simple words were what I needed to hear. We made it here through all that had complicated our lives, and from this point on, I wanted my life to be simpler. I wanted our relationship to be easy. We had baggage. We had heartbreak and pain, but we also had forever to forge this new life. I decided then and there in his arms that I was only going to focus on the blue skies and not the rain clouds.

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><p><strong>xoxoxo-<strong>

**Short but hopefully sweet. **

**This chapter is 100% unbetaed. I was too impatient to wait for the amazingness that is Jessypt's deft hand. The wait for the next chapter will be short. It is done and only needs a quick readover before I submit it.**

**If you have any interest I posted an entry in the Fic this Gif anonymous challenge. Check out the great entries and hopefully vote for mine. www. fanfiction u/3958398 (remove the spaces:) )**

**Also- If you are above age 18 I will be participating in Project Team Beta's SMUT University. It should be great! I might even learn something!**


	24. Chapter 24 Eyes Open

**Hi- I have taken creative license and created some new characters. They are plucked entirely from my imagination. I have what the look like in my mind and will post some pictures on my blog. I will also give you a short biography/back story on each there as well in addition to the bit at the bottom.**

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><p>Chapter 24- Eyes Open<p>

_So here you are, two steps ahead and staying on guard_  
><em>Every lesson forms a new scar<em>  
><em>They never thought you'd make it this far<em>  
><em>But turn around, they've surrounded you<em>  
><em>It's a showdown, and nobody comes to save you now<em>  
><em>But you've got something they don't<em>  
><em>Yeah you've got something they don't<em>  
><em>You've just gotta keep your eyes open<em>

_Everybody's waiting for you to breakdown_  
><em>Everybody's watching to see the fallout<em>  
><em>Even when you're sleeping, sleeping<em>  
><em>Keep your eyes open<em>  
><em>Keep your eyes open<em>  
><em>Keep your eyes open<em>

_Keep your feet ready_  
><em>Heartbeat steady<em>  
><em>Keep your eyes open<em>  
><em>Keep your aim locked<em>  
><em>The night goes dark<em>  
><em>Keep your eyes open<em>

_-Taylor Swift_

_Bella POV_

Edward and I stayed in bed for hours until the sun shined through my bedroom curtains. I needed a shower, and Edward left to go get cleaned up as well. When I came out of my room Emmett was waiting for me with a giant grin on his face.

If I could have blushed my cheeks would have been flaming. Instead, I just stared at him until he broke.

He tilted his chin at me in a fake move of aggression. "So, Bella, now that you've take my brother's innocence, what are your intentions toward him?"

My mouth fell open a little and before I had to answer a plate flew across the room, spinning like a frisbee. I ducked instinctively even though it was perfectly aimed at Emmett's head. It shattered when it hit him.

I covered my mouth to keep from laughing when he grabbed his head and swung around. Rosalie was standing in the kitchen with a scowl on her face.

"Not five minutes ago, you promised to keep your big mouth shut. What's wrong with you?"

Esme heard the commotion and came out of her room. She saw the broken plate and looked at Rosalie with a frown on her face.

"I hope that wasn't one of my good plates. What's going on?"

I bent down to pick up the pieces of broken china and glanced up at Rosalie as she tattled on Emmett.

"Emmett was going to torment Bella with his big mouth."

I ducked my head at Esme's telling look. She sighed and reached for the broom and dustpan. She walked over to me, and past a sheepish looking Emmett, who was still holding his head even though the flying plate couldn't have hurt him that much.

"I'm sure Emmett has learned his lesson." She pulled me away from the mess and thrust the broom at him. "Clean this up. Now."

She led me into the kitchen, next to Rosalie, where she quickly changed the subject. I climbed up onto the barstool and listened halfheartedly as she and Rosalie chatted about the work she had been doing in the newly built outbuildings.

"I put the final touches on the rooms above the garage last night. I can't wait to show you."

Emmett had cleaned up his mess by the time Edward came upstairs from the room he'd been using, and we all headed outside to see the new garage, studio, and apartments.

Esme was amazingly talented and as I admired the work she had done with the organization of the garage, I got a whiff of the most delicious scent ever. My eyes rolled back in my head and started drifting toward it. No one was paying attention to me as I stalked my prey. I heard Alice yell out my name and heard footsteps behind me. My instinct to protect my find kicked in, and I ran faster until I heard Edward.

"Bella, don't do it."

The distress in his voice made me stop. I realized what the scent was when I looked through the clearing at a blue pickup truck stopped in the road. I hadn't put myself in the position to be tempted by a human. I knew there were humans living not too far away but had stayed away from our nearest neighbors, and none of them had come this close to the Cullen's property.

A man had gotten out of his truck to relieve himself on a tree. Venom filled my mouth to choking, but I took off running in the opposite direction of my fortunate target. Humans definitely smelled better than any animal I had tasted.

I took a circuitous route to my normal hunting grounds and climbed up to the top of a tall tree. I heard Edward walking toward me, and when I changed positions to allow him to join me in the tree, I caught a glimpse of something shining in the distance.

"It's okay, Bella. I can't believe you could stop. You're amaz—"

I interrupted him, "Shh," and gestured for him to join me up in the tree. I climbed a bit higher for a better look. Off in the distance was a faint glitter that reminded me of my own skin in the sunlight.

Edward swung up next to me, and I put my finger to my lips, again, to silence him. I didn't know how far our voices would carry.

I leaned close to his ear and pointed. "Do you see that?"

He looked where I was pointing and started down the tree. "Hurry Bella, we need to get back to the others."

"No." I swung over into the next tree. "I want to see who it is."

I wanted it to be Victoria so badly. I felt vengeance welling up in me and started toward the silver glints in the distance.

Edward jumped to a tree in front of me and grabbed a hold of my hand. "We can't do this alone. Let me go get Emmett and Jasper. It will only take a moment and then we'll go check it out. I'll come back and tell you if it's Victoria."

I knew he wouldn't though and pushed him away. "Get off. I'm going over there."

I dropped thirty feet to the ground and took off. My blood-lust for the human transferred to the distant vampire. Anger as rich and sweet as the blood I wanted welled up in me, and I wasn't going to stop until I got to whoever was there. I wanted to destroy something.

Edward kept pace with me, trying the whole time in vain to get me to retreat, but my mind was set. We crossed over a road that wound around the mountain and overlooked a valley. I was so set on the horizon, and getting to the other side, I didn't see that the road was positioned along the edge of a steep ravine. I took a giant leap that ended in me rolling, ass over appetite, down the hill, taking trees out as I went. Still unused to my new speed, my momentum was too great to come to a graceful stop.

Edward pulled me up onto my feet when I stopped rolling and checked me over for injuries.

"Geez Bella. Are you hurt?"

I brushed him off. "I'm fine. Let's go."

"Please wait until I call the others. We need their help."

I heard the desperation in his voice, but I wasn't going to stop. Victoria was the only thing holding me back from moving on with my life. In more ways than one, she and James were responsible for all the pain and anguish I had experienced. I knew I would never know peace until she was destroyed.

I could hear Edward behind me, running and talking into his phone, but his words couldn't compete with the noise in my head. I was too intent on the path ahead of me to listen to his conversation. I could sense the vampires in the woods and could hear my ragged, adrenaline-fueled breathing in my ears.

Edward pushed ahead of me and broke through the thick patch of forest into a clearing. I followed the path he made in the thick foliage and picked up the scent of vampires in the air. I pushed myself to catch up with Edward and saw him glance back at me and then take off.

I could see the light changing in the forest ahead, and something in my gut told me they were waiting for us. Edward broke through first and was halfway across the field when he came to a sudden, unnatural stop.

"Edward!" I yelled his name but he didn't turn.

I sensed the movement around us but didn't see anyone. Terror roared through my veins.

I closed the distance between Edward, and I grabbed his arm only to knock him over like he was a statue. He stayed frozen in the exact form he had been when he was running. I leaned down and touched his face.

"Edward. Wake up!"

His eyes were open, but he wasn't responding. I lifted him in my arms and started to go back the way we came when a man walked out of the forest, blocking my path. He was tall, but thin with dark skin and red vampire eyes. A woman followed behind him, looking at me warily. I needed my arms free to defend myself so I laid Edward down on the ground awkwardly and stood in from of him, ready to protect him if necessary.

"Why didn't it work?" I heard her clearly as the woman whispered to the man in accented English.

He circled around me in a purely predatory move. "I don't know, my dear, but I am intrigued. I have never seen anyone able to resist my power."

"I'll take care of her." The woman snarled and moved like lightening toward me only to be frozen in her tracks like Edward.

The man lovingly pushed her hair out of her statue-like face. "Not so fast, Shireen; let me talk to her first."

He released her from whatever hold he had on her, and she fell to the ground. She slowly came to her feet and stood next to him looking at the ground contritely.

"I apologize."

He grabbed her hand and kissed it. "Dearest, I know you hate it when I paralyze you, but you mustn't act so thoughtlessly."

If anything she hung her head even more. Seeing Edward lying there with his eyes wide open but unmoving and watching him freeze the woman terrified me. I knew there were other vampires with special powers, but I never imagined one this dangerous.

He turned to face me. "You must be Bella. Victoria has told me about you and your Edward. She didn't tell me you were special."

He looked me over in an appraising way that made me feel dirty. I tilted my chin up even more to show him I wasn't afraid, even though I was.

"Who are you?" I asked him

"Forgive me. I am Fatik." He bowed slightly to me.

"Let Edward go, and tell Victoria to stop making others fight her battle."

He laughed at me.

"Why would I let him go?"

"Because I'm asking you to?"

"Oh no, I don't think I'll let him go. He's coming with me. I was told to bring you both, but…" I could see him thinking. "I don't think I will."

He stepped closer to me, and I backed up until I had to step one foot over Edward's leg.

"I won't let you take him."

I heard the slight waver in my voice and regretted not listening to Edward. If I hadn't taken off the way I had he would be safe. I wasn't going to let him take Edward. I heard footsteps coming toward us and prayed it was the other's coming to help us.

It wasn't. Another vampire stepped out of the trees.

"The others were spotted coming over the ridge, Fatik."

"Your talented family, I presume?"

I just stared at him refusing to acknowledge his question. I was both relieved and terrified they were close. He had paralyzed Edward and the woman at the same time. Could he freeze everyone at once?

Fatik kept his eyes locked with mine and snapped his fingers. At the sound, Edward and I were suddenly surrounded by vampires.

I looked around quickly. I was sorely outnumbered. Fatik took the opportunity my inattention gave him and took my hand. I snatched it back, pulling him off center and slammed him down on the ground with a blow to the back of his neck. He wasn't prepared for my attack and my strength took him off guard.

I crouched down as Shireen flew at me with her hands curled into claws and grabbed her by both wrists, throwing her over my shoulder. She hit the ground, a whoosh of air knocked out of her lungs.

Another vampire came at me at Fatik's command. He was large, possibly larger than Emmett. His eyes glowed with the bright red of a newborn.

"Don't hurt her, Erik. Just hold her."

I ran toward him intending to knock him down as well but was pulled off my feet. He flipped me around and twisted my arms behind my back until I was sure they would break. I cried out at the pain. He wrapped his other arm around my neck and put me in a chokehold. I couldn't move. I couldn't even swallow. He swung me around so I could see Fatik kneeling over Edward.

Everything inside me seized in fear, and I tried again to struggle out of the hold the newborn had on me. I heard an awful ripping sound and felt an immense pain in my left shoulder. He was pulling my arm out of its socket.

I cried out again. "Ahh! Please don't hurt him!" I screamed.

Fatik came to stand in front of me.

"I'm not going to hurt him. I am repaying a long held debt to Victoria by bringing him to her." He ran a finger down my face. "I don't like owing anybody anything, but I do like being owed a favor." He paused and walked away thoughtfully. "The rest of your coven will be entering this field very shortly. They are, as you can see, horribly outnumbered. It would be a shame to lose them all."

Horror filled me. I tried to send visions to Alice, knowing it may not work, but I closed my eyes and saw them all lying dead at the hands of Fatik and his minions. I hoped she would see it and stop the others from coming.

"I will make you a deal. We will go. I am taking your Edward, but I will leave you here, giving you the opportunity to come and find him. After all, Victoria loves to play her tedious games. In return, you will owe me a favor."

I didn't have to think about it. There was no way I was going to let him take Edward, and I told him so.

He tsked. "That is too bad. Marco, Daniel, Asif, come."

Three large vampires strode toward Fatik, who gestured for them to pick Edward's unmoving form up. He stood in front of Edward. "I'm going to un-paralyze you, but if you fight I will allow Erik to kill her."

Edward instantly sagged to the ground like Shireen had when he released the hold he had on her. Edward rose quickly. His jaw clenched in anger.

"Victoria is an unworthy ally and you know it. Let us go. We will destroy her and make whatever favor you feel you owe her unnecessary."

"An intriguing idea, but no. I am an honorable man, and I will do what is asked of me. The choice here is yours. You can come with us peacefully, and we will let Bella go. Or will you fight us and make Erik tear her to sheds?" He pulled a lighter from his pocket. I won't let her suffer. I will burn her before I kill you. Make your choice."

I wished I could have seen indecision in Edward's eyes, but I saw resolve.

"Don't Edward."

He looked right at me.

His gaze filled with resolve and a love so intense I gasped.

"I'm not going to let you die, Bella." I struggled again only to have the hold on my neck tighten so much I couldn't speak to him.

"I'll go with you, Fatik, but someday I will kill you." Edward promised him.

Fatik threw his head back and laughed. "I look forward to you trying. My omnipotence can grow quite tedious, although it seems your Bella is immune to my control."

I would have wondered why I was unaffected by his power if I hadn't been so upset.

"Let us go before we must kill your coven." Fatik nodded to the vampires behind Edward, who, despite agreeing to go, struggled out of their hold, trying to get to me, only to be paralyzed again by Fatik, who just shook his head.

"So much for a last kiss. I would have allowed that if you hadn't tried to fight."

Two of the vampires carried Edward away as I struggled against the hold Erik had on me. I could feel my arm ripping further, but I didn't care.

"Now, Bella, I am going to leave you here, but if you try to follow us out of this forest I will kill him. Do you understand? In twelve hours you can begin your search, and I will be watching to be sure you don't leave earlier. I have a feeling you will know right where to find him."

Fatik came over to stand in front of me. "I am sure we will meet again soon, my dear. I look very forward to getting to know you better."

With that he followed after the men holding Edward. The others, including Shireen, who shot me a dirty look, trailed after him. Erik held me tight until they were all out of sight and then threw me down as hard as he could. My head hit the ground so hard it stunned me. I struggled to a sitting position and wrapped my hand around my shoulder. I felt something wet against my hand and pulled my hand away expecting to see blood, but it wasn't dark like I was used to. It was a lighter orangish color. It must have been venom mixed with the animal blood I consumed.

I sat there for a moment gathering the strength to move. I was hurt, but the devastation I felt was worse. I let them take Edward. How in the world could this have happened? Victoria was supposed to bring her army. We were supposed to fight and defeat them. That was what we had been preparing for. Not this treachery.

We should have seen it coming. Victoria was a dangerous enemy, more dangerous than I ever realized. I knew we needed to act fast. We had less than twelve hours to devise a plan. I needed to find the others quickly.

I pushed myself up with great effort and cradled my arm against my side. My heart was breaking, and the emotions were starting to choke me. I started across the field and was about the reenter the woods on the side from which we came, when I heard the noise of someone crashing through the trees. It was Emmett with the others close behind. I sat on the ground against a tree stump on the edge both relieved and afraid. How could I explain to Edward's family that I let those vampires take him?

They jumped out of the trees and continued running as if they didn't know I was there.

"Alice!"

I called out to her, and they all swung around. It would have been comical if there were anything funny about our situation.

Alice ran over to me. "Bella!" She pulled me into her arms, hurting my arm in the process. I gasped in pain and she pulled away.

"You're hurt."

I swallowed hard at the lump in my throat as the others gathered close. Carlisle knelt beside me.

"We're gonna keep going." Emmett said and gestured to Jasper and Rosalie.

"Don't! They'll kill him."

Carlisle gently pulled my shirt away from my wound. I glanced over at my arm and felt light headed. It wasn't a cut like I thought it was. It looked as if someone had smashed a limb off a tree or a statue. I had been expecting to see soft insides but my body was so different now.

"Who did this to you, Bella, and who has Edward?"

I whimpered as he manipulated my arm, but spoke in between deep breaths.

"His name is Fatik. Victoria sent him."

"Fatik?" Carlisle glanced at Esme and then Jasper, who looked angry.

"We're in big trouble." Jasper moved closer to Alice, like he always did when he was unsure of her safety.

Carlisle nodded in agreement and blew out a breath. "We need to get home. Bella, I need to push your arm back in and bind it until it heals. It won't take long, but it hurts like the devil during the process."

I nodded. Nothing could hurt as badly as the hole in my chest, knowing Edward was in Victoria's grasp. "Just do it."

"Okay, Emmett, I'm going to need your help. I need counterweight. Hold her around her ribs and pull gently toward you. Bella, I need you to kneel for me and take a deep breath."

I gingerly turned my legs so I could kneel on them and almost let out a sob when Emmett wrapped his arms around me. I wanted to turn into him and cry for Edward, but I filled my lungs with a deep breath like Carlisle asked and saw stars when he pulled my arm back into alignment. I desperately wanted to pass out, to end the agony. It felt better when Carlisle wrapped it tightly against my body with pieces of my jacket that he'd torn apart.

Alice was sitting next to me with her vague face.

"What do you see? Is it Edward?" I was too frantic to wait, but she wasn't through.

I looked up at Carlisle and Esme. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have let them take him."

Esme hugged me. "Shh. Everything will be okay."

I looked at Alice again. "We need to gather some help. Edward will be fine, but we can't do this on our own."

I breathed a sigh of relief until terror struck me again as Jasper added his two cents.

"With Fatik involved, no one is going to be fine."

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><p><strong>xoxoxo-<strong>

**Dun dun dun! Okay- any opinions on our new characters? Is it too over the top? Let me know what you think- please.**

**Chapter 25 will becoming sooner than these last two took I promise and if all works out the way I have it planned I foresee three more chapters till the end. **

**Our new characters- I envisioned Fatik and Shireen as Middle Eastern/Indian. The name Fatik means dangerous, which he truly is. The next chapter will give you more insight into who he is. He says he's honorable, but is he really out to help anyone but himself? I will put the pictures of how I envision Fatik and Shireen on my blog **

** bestscentever. blogspot. com Can anyone say "very famous Bollywood actors"?**

**I cannot forget to mention how amazing Jessypt's help is! She is always just a tweet away to give me encouragement and help me make all the words pretty. I have to thank my husband, too. He is supportive of my writing and listens to me read out loud every word I write. (I always read everything out loud to make sure it sounds good)**

**Thank you to everyone who read and review my stories. I adore each one and will catch up on all my replies as soon as I can!**


	25. Chapter 25 Closer

**Are you still with me? I apologize for the long wait. I never intended for it to be so long. The story was lost and so was I. :( But I am back, and I am writing again. Thanks for your patience and support!**

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><p>Chapter 25- Closer<p>

_Stranded in this spooky town  
>Stoplights are swaying and the phone lines are down<br>This floor is crackling cold, she took my heart, I think she took my soul  
>With the moon I run far from the carnage of the fiery sun<em>

_Driven by the strangle of vein showing no mercy I do it again,_  
><em>Open up your eye, you keep on crying baby, I'll bleed you dry<em>  
><em>Skies they blink at me, I see a storm bubbling up from the sea<em>

_And it's coming closer_  
><em>And it's coming closer<em>

Edward POV

Being carried through the woods was the most disconcerting feeling. My body was frozen—totally immobile. I tried to fight against Fatik's hold, but no amount of mental struggling made a difference. I could read the minds of those around me, but with my own panic-filled thoughts all I picked up was the foreboding sense of fear that swirled around me.

Never had I experienced the kind of terror I felt when I entered that clearing ahead of Bella and was paralyzed. It took my mind a moment to realize what had happened. I heard Bella's footsteps coming up from behind and felt myself falling as she tried to move me. I heard the panic in her voice when she realized I couldn't move, and while I was terrified for her, I was also proud of the way she stood her ground against a force as deadly as Fatik.

I was baffled by how she hadn't been affected by his unusual powers. Why hadn't they worked? I couldn't read her mind and wondered if the two were somehow related.

I tried to calm myself enough to gain an understanding of what was going to happen now that Fatik had captured me. The four vampires surrounding me were all newly created but not quite newborns. They were scared of Fatik, but they were also scared of me. I was surprised, considering I was incapacitated by the paralysis.

Seconds after we arrived at the SUV, Fatik, the woman, Shireen, and the large vampire who had been holding Bella joined us. Without warning, I was released from the hold Fatik had on me. I tensed my muscles to flee when he released me but had no time to act on the impulse. I was forced into the back row of seats and flanked by two of his men, then Fatik paralyzed me again with an infuriating arch of his eyebrow.

My only relief came when the vehicle pulled away leaving Bella behind and the huge vampire that had held her slid into the driver's seat and pictured her in his mind. He had left her stunned on the ground. Her arm was badly hurt, but she would heal. He drove away with squealing tires, his thoughts filled with worry over the vampires that were running through the woods—my family, I hoped. They would find Bella and keep her safe.

I couldn't imagine what she was going through emotionally. I'd had no choice but to go with them. I couldn't fight the hold Fatik had on me, and even if I could have fought him I wouldn't have. I would have done anything to keep her safe. She had made the same decision once. Bella had had enough bravery to face James alone to keep her mother safe.

I tried to take comfort in the thoughts of her safety and calm the turmoil inside of me, so I could try and discern Fatik's plan. I was going to need to have control of all the faculties I possessed and being stuck in my own mind was the last thing that would help me. I listened carefully to the thoughts around me, picking through them to find anything I could use and hoping I would be given the opportunity to speak to Fatik before I was destroyed.

Fatik was enthralled with Bella, and all his thoughts centered on her. He had never met another that could resist his powers, and this filled him with so many different thoughts. It frightened him, but he mostly wanted her. I wanted to close my mind to his fantasies of her, but I knew I needed to know what he was planning. Victoria may have been the one who wanted us, but now that Fatik had found something he wanted, the whole scenario was probably going to play out differently than Victoria had planned. I tried to take some comfort in his thoughts of betraying her.

Fatik's words in the clearing had been cryptic; he told Bella she would know where he was taking me. Unless he was sending a message or told Bella, he knew about Alice's abilities, and as we had suspected all along, Victoria had learned how to manipulate the holes in her visions.

I had no doubt, if given the chance, Victoria would kill me straight away. Part of me hoped she would continue to be her vindictive self and wait, allowing me the time to talk my way out of Fatik's grasp. I needed to convince him somehow to switch sides against Victoria and keep Bella safe.

As usual, keeping Bella safe was my first thought, but I knew there was no chance in hell she would stay away from Victoria. She had no regard for her own safety. A part of my brain, one I was trying to drown out, felt she may be our only chance against Fatik.

I had heard fleetingly about Fatik in a conversation with Carlisle and Eleazar many years ago. In his worldly travels, Eleazar was on a mission for the Volturi to find vampires with powerful gifts to bring back to Aro to strengthen his army. Eleazar had met Fatik while in Pakistan and had immediately sensed the strength of Fatik's power, but hadn't been able to specify what it was.

In an attempt to better understand, Eleazar had spent time with Fatik and his mate, Shireen, in the small encampment in the mountains, and discovered the exact nature of his power when Shireen disobeyed one of Fatik's commands. Watching her be frozen in front of him had frightened Eleazar, as I assumed was Fatik's intent.

Eleazar had left the couple as soon as was polite. He'd later told Aro of Fatik's power. He couldn't hide it from him, of course, but Aro must have known that Fatik was a threat to the Volturi and let him and his mate be.

After speaking with Eleazar about him those years before, I never gave Fatik another thought. When he introduced himself to Bella, I was more scared than I had been in my life. I couldn't help but wonder how he and Victoria had met and what kind of favor was owed that would draw him into a situation like this. The havoc Victoria had caused with her newborns was sure to be noticed by the sharp eyes of the Volturi.

I could see everything in my direct line of vision. I watched as the SUV we were in sped through the curving roads of the mountains and crossed over the New York border. I could see the shores of Lake Champlain in the periphery. The driver pulled off the paved road onto a narrow, somewhat overgrown gravel road and drove deeper into the trees until he stopped at a large white house with a wide front porch.

The air was filled with the scents of unfamiliar vampires and two very familiar ones—Victoria and Irina. Her betrayal to my family stung, but I held hope that she would be an asset to me and help me escape.

Fatik climbed out of the passenger's side of the vehicle, along with Shireen, and the two vampires that had sat on either side of her. The seat in front of me was flipped forward and the vampire to the right of me got out. Fatik ducked his head into the truck.

"Holding you thus has exhausted me. If I release you will you show restraint and manners? If you can't I will not intercede if dear Victoria decides to do away with you. Although, knowing her, I would assume she wants more of an audience before she does something so drastic. Let us go play her little game, shall we?"

Fatik released his hold on me, and I sagged into the seat. It was interesting to know that he couldn't use his hold indefinitely without suffering. He waited for my acquiescence, and when I gave it, I was pushed out of the car by the dark haired vampire that was still sitting with me.

I stood and looked at my surroundings. The house was old, the white siding dirty, and the wraparound porch looked ready to collapse in two places, the worst shored up by four cement blocks.

Just as I caught her scent, I looked up and saw Irina's horrified face looking down at me from one of the dirty upstairs windows.

"_Oh Edward! How the hell did they get you? I can't believe this! She's crazy! She's going too far!"_

Her disbelieving thoughts were frantic. I wished I had the ability to telepathically communicate with her. I wanted to know why she was there. What had _she_ been thinking to get involved with Victoria?

A very young female vampire came out of the front door, and seeing Fatik and his entourage standing there she froze. I would have thought Fatik had paralyzed her had she not gasped and fled back inside the house. I heard her call for Victoria.

I stopped, going no closer. I could feel my insides boiling. I didn't know if I could keep from trying to kill her. Fatik must have sensed my anger.

"Now, now, Edward." He looked into my eyes and finished in his head. One of his eyebrows cocked. _"You will have your chance at her, but it is not now."_

What was his game?

I relaxed my tightly clenched fists and jaw and tried to calm my temper. I wanted to destroy her for all the turmoil she had caused in my life. I held myself back as Victoria appeared in the doorway. Her chilling, triumphant smile lasted only as long as it took for her to realize Bella was not with us.

"Where is the girl?" she sneered at Fatik, who mockingly bowed to her. I clearly heard his disdain for her in his thoughts.

"I humbly apologize, but I was unable to bring the girl to you."

Victoria walked over to him. I clenched my hands into fists again to keep from going for her throat.

"That was not our deal, Fatik. You promised me both of them."

"Yes, I did. Do not fret. She will come."

I could see the fire in Victoria's eyes and heard her plans as she looked at me. She wanted to kill me but wanted Bella there to watch as she did it. I glared at her until she turned. Eric, the vampire who had held Bella, grabbed a hold of my arm and led me to follow Fatik into the house.

He pushed me down in a chair. I sat with Fatik's eyes on me. He was just waiting for me to step out of line. I looked across the room and watched Irina as she walked into the room. I narrowed my eyes at her, and she winced from my glare.

Her cell phone was in her hand.

"Don't you think this has gone too far, Victoria?" she asked. I saw the regret in her eyes before she turned away.

"No, actually, I don't. You're not going to stand there and pretend you're not delighted you can finally avenge the men we loved, are you?" Victoria prowled toward Irina, tossing her hair over her shoulder. "I was thinking of letting you take care of this one. You did say you wanted all of the Cullens punished, didn't you?"

Irina was visibly shaken by her words. She glanced over at me, her mind screaming her innocence.

"_I was angry, Edward. I never wanted you dead."_

I looked away disgusted, while Victoria laughed at her.

Irina sat on the couch and started typing away on her phone before she slid it into her pocket. I could feel her stare on me and met her eyes when she begged me to.

"_I'm sorry, Edward. I never should have come here. I was only looking for Laurent. Victoria says he's dead. Is he really?"_

I nodded imperceptibly. I saw the real pain in her eyes and could hear her sorrowful memories of his betrayal of her love.

"_I know now he was only using me to gain information for Victoria. I loved him and thought he wanted to change and be with me forever."_

Irina looked away from me, her shame clear on her face. She jumped to her feet and stood in front of Victoria, who was pacing and ranting at Fatik in front of the window. Fatik sat on the sofa, Shireen's hand clasped in his like he hadn't a care in the world. I guessed he didn't. I was sure he was comfortable, because he knew Victoria was no threat to him.

Victoria's nostrils flared in anger when Irina stopped her. Eric, who was standing behind me, put a restraining hand on my shoulder when I made to get up.

"This is done right here, Victoria. I'm taking Edward, and I'm leaving. In fact, I will be on the first flight to Italy to report you to the Volturi. You have put us all in danger, and I will no longer be a part of your insane plans."

Irina turned away from Victoria, and, before I could warn her or act, Eric's arms were clamped around me. Victoria grabbed Irina by the back of her head and slammed her into the wall, then threw her down before she could recover. Victoria bashed her head into the floor over and over until the wood cracked. I turned my head as she leaned down and bit Irina, tearing her head off her neck.

I struggled against Eric, but he was too strong, and he slammed me back into the chair. Fatik stood calmly and gestured for me to stay down. His face was impassive, but his mind was not. He was shocked at the viciousness Victoria displayed. I realized then he had no clue what he had gotten himself into.

"I have no fight with the Volturi, Victoria. I have spent centuries living a peaceful existence away from them and have no desire to be implicated in your schemes. What was the girl referring to?"

Victoria called for two of her newborns to come and remove Irina's body, brushing all thoughts of her away like she had only been a pest. It took all my strength to stay in my seat. I wanted to remove Victoria from this Earth. I was afraid if I tried to fight against Eric, Fatik would paralyze me, and I'd have no way to defend against an attack from Victoria. I didn't have one ounce of trust that he would raise a finger to defend me.

In the back of her mind, Irina's words shook Victoria, but she felt confident with the protection of the army she had created.

Irina's phone fell out of her pocket as she was carried out. It fell at Shireen's feet. She handed the phone to Fatik, who studied what he saw on the phone. Victoria had resumed her pacing and was again demanding an explanation for why Fatik had left Bella behind when he interrupted her ranting.

"I guess we will soon see how this all turns out. It seems your little friend has alerted her family to our location."

Her family? Carlisle had been expecting Tanya, Kate, Carmen and Eleazar. I wondered if they would come. I knew Alice would see me, or hoped at least. I wished she had seen Fatik. It would have saved us a lot of trouble, although I was somewhat happy to have this situation come to a head. There was nothing I wanted more than to be able to move past this part of my life and to live peacefully—to live with Bella and forge a new life together.

I listened as Fatik and Victoria fought. He could have paralyzed and destroyed her in a minute, but he didn't. I patiently sat and waited for my opportunity to act.

"I came here to repay my debt to James, a debt you claimed, and I honored because he was my friend. I have carried it for one hundred years, but today I consider it repaid."

"If James was your friend, then you should stay and help me avenge his horrific and unwarranted death."

"Unwarranted?" I growled, unable to stay silent any longer. "He tried to kill Bella. He was begging for death when he came into my territory and tried to take what was mine."

Fatik turned back to Victoria, a restraining hand on her arm when she would have moved toward me. "James was a vicious vampire, but he was a loyal friend to me. If he was here I would stand to the death with him, but I have seen you with that boy, Riley. You do not honor James' memory by cavorting with him. I was willing to play this game until I realized how far you were willing to go. The Volturi have the power to destroy us all, and I would like to stay alive."

"You're a coward, Fatik. We could rule the world together, but you're too scared to act. The Volturi have no powers as strong as yours. We could rise up and destroy them all."

I could hear the grandiose thoughts of power running through her head, thoughts of vampires taking over the world and using the human race as a food source. She wanted to rule over all, and I couldn't help but think she was insane.

She brushed him away with her hand and turned her back to him. "Leave if you want, Fatik. I can handle this on my own."

She called to the vampires that had accompanied me in the car and gestured for them to come into the front room. "Guard him," she said, pointing at me. "I want him sitting there when I come back. I'm glad Irina told your coven where you are. I have an army of vampires just waiting to destroy them."

She whipped her hair around and jumped down the front stairs. I heard the screaming plans in her head and took the opportunity to talk to Fatik.

"You can help me. We can destroy her. Let _me _destroy her."

He stared at me, contemplating his next move. His thoughts were jumbled. He was trying to hide something from me.

"I can't help you, Edward, but I will remove myself from the equation."

He looked over my head to Victoria's guard dogs. "If you know what is good for you, you will leave. Victoria is going to get you killed. It may not be at the hands of the Cullens, but I can guarantee you the Volturi will not allow her scheme to come to fruition. They will kill you all."

Fatik tossed Irina's phone to me and reached for Shireen's hand.

"I wish you the best of luck, Mr. Cullen. Please accept my humble apologies for my part in this ordeal."

He walked out the door. The last thought I caught from him was of Bella and how much he desired her. I knew then that we had not seen the last of him.

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><p><strong>xoxoxo- <strong>

**Thank you for all the reviews. They are truly what keeps me going. Thank you Jessypt for being there when I know you are as busy as I am.**

**Thanks to the ladies on Facebook who spur me on- Kimberly, Paula, Heather, and Courtney. I hope the wait was at least a bit worth it.**


	26. Chapter 26

**Last regular chapter! See my A/N at the bottom! **

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><p>Chapter 26- McFearless<p>

_I got the reins, courage I was made of  
>And they got the fake love<br>So I know I must show_

_It's safe to say_  
><em>If I don't get this out of me<em>  
><em>I might quite easily end up dead<em>

_Mad cross my T's, try to dot my eyes_  
><em>But that's blinding me<em>  
><em>I ain't living that way<em>

_I roll my sleeves_  
><em>And make me a better man of me<em>  
><em>I might easily just give up on the show<em>

_Yes, my show, I must go_  
><em>With my soul not my hand<em>  
><em>Where I stand it's my role, it's my soul<em>

_It's my show, it's my show_

_-Kings of Leon_

Bella POV

"Bella dear, please sit down. You're making me dizzy."

Esme put her hand out to stop me as I paced by her for what was probably the millionth time.

How could they sit around? Emmett and Rosalie were out getting the cars ready, but everyone else was calmly sitting. Alice had her head down, buried in her hands, and Jasper was rubbing her back, absentmindedly, while playing with his computer. Carlisle was furiously taping away on his phone.

I was infuriated.

I felt like the walls were closing in around me. No amount of oxygen I sucked into my lungs helped to calm me. Could vampires hyperventilate?

I abruptly stopped my pacing and grabbed my hair; the fury draining out of me was replaced by despair. How in the world could I have been so stupid? I should have listened to Edward and waited for help. I should have waited for Alice to see. I could have prevented this whole disaster.

Losing Edward was entirely my fault.

I fell to my knees. I could feel myself falling apart and heard an anguished scream echoing off the walls. My scream.

I remembered what my life was like without Edward and lost all sense of who or where I was. I felt hands trying to soothe me, but I kicked out at them not deserving to be comforted.

For a brief second, I understood Victoria's pain and screamed out my agony.

I understood what losing your love could do to a person. I couldn't go through it again. I couldn't live for eternity without him. I stopped screaming, and as quickly as the echo stopped, I felt a fire burning through me.

I wasn't going to wait to go find Edward. I would put Victoria out of her misery and bring him home. A hand brushed my hair away from my face. I stiffened at the touch and sat up, meeting Esme's worried eyes. Alice knelt next to her, the circles under her eyes more pronounced from her efforts to see.

"It's okay, Bella. Edward's alive."

I wanted to feel relief, but I couldn't. Too much was going through my head. It was impossible to organize any of it. Every tiny sound around me set me on edge, making me feel like I would shatter.

Carlisle's phone kept dinging, and I almost screamed at him until his words registered in my chaotic brain. "I just received a text message from Irina."

Esme moved away from me so she could see. "Irina? Is she with Edward?"

"Yes, she says they are at a house on Lake Champlain. Victoria has surrounded herself with about twenty newborns. Fatik is there, as well. Irina says to be careful."

"Why is she warning us now?" Jasper asked, his tone filled with disgust. I knew Irina's participation in Victoria's schemes had upset everyone.

"She asks for our forgiveness. She says she's bringing Edward, and they will meet us near the old mill outside of Dumfries." Carlisle turned to Emmett, who had just come back into the house, a grim look on his face. "Will you find where she's talking about?"

At Emmett's nod, Carlisle started texting his response, and then called Tanya to tell her about the change in plans. He put a hand on my shoulder as he walked past me, and I closed my eyes and said a prayer to a God that had ignored my pleas for so long. I begged for his continued mercy. I begged for him to keep Edward safe until I could get to him.

"Let's go," I demanded.

I didn't want to wait. Each second that ticked by made the panic in me rise further. Rosalie stomped into the house. She was furious with me.

When Emmett had carried me back to the house, she had screamed at me for what felt like hours. It hurt, but I understood her better now. Rosalie's way of dealing with a situation was always with anger. She cared deeply, and most of the time, I don't think she wanted to.

"Everything's ready. I'm going to change. I feel like wearing my ass-kicking boots."

I liked that idea and went into my room to change as well, giving myself something to do besides fret.

I peeled off my ripped shirt. It was stiff from the venom that had flowed from my injury. Carlisle had been right. It healed quickly but hurt like hell. I twisted my arm around, rolling it in its socket to test the mobility. It was perfect. It didn't hurt any longer, and there wasn't a mark to mar my skin.

I changed into clean clothes and braided my hair tightly against my head. I kept thinking of grabbing hold of Victoria's ratty mess of hair and ripping her head off. I didn't want her to be able to do the same to me.

_I'll be the one to kill her_, I vowed to myself as I looked into the mirror.

I continued to pace while we waited for the others to arrive. Everyone was on edge; the silence in the house was only punctuated by the ticking of the grandfather clock.

When Carlisle's phone rang it startled me out of my dark thoughts.

"Hello Irina—Edward!" The relief in Carlisle's voice was clear. I ran over and reached for the phone, but Carlisle wouldn't let me have it. He listened to Edward carefully, nodding his head. I was so angry I forgot that if I had just listened I could have heard everything Edward said.

"That's too bad." Carlisle shook his head. "Tanya's going to be heartbroken." He listened and nodded. "Offer them anything; if they're young, money may work. We'll leave now." Carlisle told him.

I felt instant relief at his words. Carlisle handed me the phone and I broke again.

"I'm so sorry, Edward. I love you so much." My voice cracked from the emotion.

"I love you, too. I'm okay. Bella, please listen to Carlisle. I want you to be safe. Victoria is scared, but she's determined to finish this today. The only thing keeping me alive is that she wants you there to watch me die. Fatik left, but I don't trust him."

"I'll be careful, I promise."

"Bella." His voice broke. "I need you to be safe. I know you think I'm being overprotective, but I would rather die than be without you."

I put my hand on my chest and closed my eyes against the sharp pains there. "You're not going to die, and neither am I. We're going to finish this and live our lives together."

"I love you, baby, so much. I'll see you soon. I need to go before Victoria comes back and realizes I have Irina's phone."

I didn't want to hang up, but I told him I loved him and set the phone down when he ended the call.

Carlisle was waiting for me by the door. "Let's go get him."

I nodded and felt a sense of peace. I knew we would prevail.

Carlisle told us Victoria killed Irina. I couldn't feel bad for her. She made her bed when she chose to trust Victoria. I listened as Carlisle outlined his plan. We stood around the hood of his SUV with his phone on speaker; Tanya, Kate, Carmen, and Eleazar were driving toward New York instead of coming to us to save time. He told them about Irina. They took it as hard as he expected. Their vows of vengeance against Victoria angered me. She was mine, and I selfishly didn't want to share my revenge. I felt the fire flare up in me again; a red film blurred my vision for a moment.

"Edward is trying to turn his guards to our side. They are young and strong. If they won't work with us I am hoping they will at least remove themselves from the equation. Let's plan to meet at the mill Irina mentioned. It's abandoned, and we can draw Victoria to us. The area where she is located is too populated for my taste." Carlisle explained to us.

"Did you advise the Volturi?" Emmett asked with his fists and teeth clenched tightly. He looked like he wanted to be gone as badly as I did.

"I sent Aro a message, but I'm unsure of their response. When Bella told me Fatik was involved I felt I had to, but the Volturi could make things worse. I don't know what they'll do, if anything."

The sound of a vehicle turning up the road pulled us out of our planning.

"It's Peter." Jasper walked to greet his friend. He must have called him to join us. Their reunion annoyed me. I wanted to go. I sat in the back seat of the Mercedes trying to mentally prepare. I tried to push down the overwhelming pressure in my head and chest. Alice slid in next to me and squeezed my hand. I closed my eyes and held on to her. She anchored me.

I was relieved when Carlisle and Esme got in the car and started our convoy of three cars. Emmett, Rosalie, and Jasper rode in Emmett's jeep. Peter, Charlotte, Bree, and Diego followed in their car. The presence of the two young vampires made me slightly uncomfortable. They may have left Victoria months ago, but did they owe their loyalty to anyone left with her?

I stayed in my head the entire drive. I had hoped we would hear from Edward again but we didn't. The uncertainty broke down my anger and replaced it with fear I didn't want to feel. The myriad emotions exhausted me. I clenched Alice's hand hoping for encouragement. Her head was down, her entire body stiff. She was searching and gave me nothing. I couldn't help the litany in my head. _"Please God keep him safe. Keep him safe. Keep him safe."_

I lost track of time and was surprised when we pulled off the main road onto a rutted track. The forest was overgrown around us, but the tall grass covering the path had been pushed down with recent tire tracks. Someone was already here.

Carlisle pulled the car up next to a non-descript rental car and got out to greet a tall, beautiful woman. Her face fell and grief showed clearly as he took her in his comforting embrace. Esme was also there comforting the others. Alice sat motionless beside me, still holding my hand. I gently tried to pull her from her trance.

"Alice, we're here."

She shivered like a chill had gone up her spine, but when she finally looked at me, she gave me a slight smile. "It's gonna be okay." She took a deep breath, nodding. I wondered if she was just saying that because she wanted so much to believe it would all work out. She leaned back against the headrest. "It's gonna be okay, but we need to split up."

I nodded and started to get out of the car, but she stopped me by grabbing the back of my jacket.

"Bella, don't go off on your own. Stay with everyone." I nodded again but didn't look her in the eye. My nod held no promise. She stopped me again, her eyes wide with concern. "Bella, you have to listen to me. If you go alone…" She pulled me close into an embrace and spoke into my shoulder. "you will die. Promise me. Please," She pleaded with me.

I pulled her tighter to me. "Okay Alice. I understand."

She nodded and set me back away from her. "Let's go finish this."

I smiled and slid out of the car. Alice went over to greet her cousins. I stayed back, unsure of their reception of me. Tanya came over to me and grabbed my hand, cradling it between her two hands.

"Bella, I've heard so much about you. I'm sorry we had to meet under these circumstances. Welcome to our family."

I smiled at her breathtaking face. "Thank you." I wanted to share my condolences for her sister's death, but couldn't find the right words.

I looked over to see Alice speaking with Carlisle who nodded and gestured us over.

"We're going to split up. Bella, you will go with me, Eleazar, Emmett, and Kate. We're going to find Edward. The rest of you will go and draw Victoria here. Everyone who is not with us should be considered the enemy. We must not hesitate."

Everyone nodded. Jasper added to the conversation. "Remember, the newborns are strong. Keep moving—don't let them get a hold of you or you will be crushed."

I took a deep breath and followed after Carlisle passing Eleazar as he looked at me strangely. I brushed it off and tried to gather my anger again. It took only the memory of how loving my father was to find my hate. He never deserved what Victoria did to him. The redness clouded my vision again as I ran through the forest. I was so intent on my revenge I didn't hear anyone approaching until he was upon us.

Edward came out of the woods and pulled me into his tight embrace before I realized it was him. I melted into his arms, my relief so great. I couldn't hear a thing. I just clung to him, my nose buried in his shirt pulling his scent deep into my lungs. He pulled my lips to his and kissed me deeply.

And for a moment the world stood still.

There was no time to enjoy our reunion further. Carlisle stood close to us, sounding as relieved as I was. "Where's Victoria?"

Edward started to walk in the same direction as we had been traveling. He held my hand as he walked. "She was locked in a room with Riley, who seems to be directing the newborns she is controlling. It was difficult, but I convinced the men she left guarding me to let me leave. I think I convinced them to leave, as well. I waited long enough for her to realize I was gone and then drew her this way. She's furious and not that far behind me."

He continued as we ran toward danger. "She thought she was going to rule the world with Fatik's help."

I smelled the unfamiliar vampires in the air and so did the others. We quieted our footsteps. Carlisle pulled his phone out and sent a quick message to someone, probably Jasper, who was leading the other group.

I could hear the footsteps coming toward us and brushed away a momentary loss of courage. I wanted to end this. I wanted the elusive closure I so desperately hoped would make everything right again. I wanted to put my father to rest and learn what my new life truly could become.

I saw a flash of blonde hair in the distance and realized that I could make out the signatures of my family—Alice, Jasper, Esme, Rosalie—intermingling with the unfamiliar scents of the other vampires.

They were coming around on the other side of Victoria's army. Alice's vision must have been correct for Carlisle's plan to surround the enemy to work so smoothly.

I heard the noise of engagement: the shrill screech of what sounded like metal being torn apart, the screams of pain and fear. I ran toward it, still holding tightly to Edward, unwilling to let go of him again.

He stopped abruptly and changed direction after gaining the attention of the others. I spotted the flash of red hair moving away from the fight ahead of us and felt the burning fill my chest. I almost let go of Edward to speed away from him, but remembered my promise to Alice.

We ran so hard we miraculously caught up to Victoria, who was being forced to slow her retreat by the advancing fight. Everything converged at once, and there was no way for her to escape. She glanced behind her to see Emmett tackle the man with her, Riley I assumed, and tear him apart with no difficulty. Victoria stumbled, and I saw the change in her eyes. It was quick, but I saw the fear and panic, and I felt triumphant.

All around me the fight slowed. There were body parts scattered around me, but all I could feel was the hot red haze, I felt like I was in a bubble. I no longer heard the noises around me. I focused all my energy on Victoria and prowled toward her. She saw me coming and realized she was totally surrounded. She grabbed a vampire who ran by her, away from Jasper and tried to shield herself, but threw him away and tried to run.

I found my voice. "This is it, Victoria. This is your chance. Don't run like a coward. Turn around and face me!"

Edward tried to stop me, but I shook my head. "You promised me."

The circle around Victoria tightened as the others finished with her army.

Victoria bared her teeth and turned toward me. "You are going to die!" Her high-pitched voice inflamed me even more.

I was amazed by the sight around me. I drew strength from my family surrounding me, and as I started toward her, Edward, again, put a hand out to stop me. I felt my anger flare at his interference, but then I heard a loud booming voice come from the trees to the right of where we were facing Victoria.

"Stop!"

Everyone around me was frozen in place—paralyzed, including Victoria and Edward.

Fatik stepped out of the trees and walked toward me, strutting with the confidence of safety his powers gave him.

"Beautiful Bella." He looked me up and down and smiled appreciatively, sending a shiver of fear up my spine. "Your fire amazes me. You look magnificent. Go ahead. Kill her." He pointed to Victoria who stood there looking like a ferocious, powerless statue.

I didn't need his help. I wanted the satisfaction of engaging in a fight with her. "I don't need your help." I told him through my clenched teeth, looking around at the eerie sight of everyone paralyzed around me.

Fatik started to move over to Edward, but I blocked his advance. He cocked his head to the side. "I give you a gift and you refuse it so callously? I could kill him in a fraction of an instant."

"I will kill you." My voice was deadly calm.

He laughed and as it rang through the silent trees I saw red and felt an explosion. The red haze pushed out around me, and I reached for Edward, determined to protect him.

As my hand wrapped around his arm, Edward was released from Fatik's hold. He swung me around, and as if we had choreographed the move, in a wide circle. I used the momentum to kick an unprepared and shocked Fatik in the head, severing it from his body. His head hit the ground, a morbid sight.

Everyone was released from his hold and without a thought I chased down a retreating Victoria. Edward grabbed her first and swung her around.

He held her tightly in a sleeper hold. His arms pushing her chest out in an uncomfortable position she couldn't escape. I wanted to reach into her chest and pull her black heart out with my fist.

Time slowed and everything was blurred except for the terrified look in Victoria's eyes. She struggled against Edward's hold.

I reached out and without breaking eye contact I grabbed her by her hair, tilting her chin back and bit her, severing her head from her body. I looked down at her head in my hand and threw it away with disgust.

Edward dropped her body and stepped over her to catch me as my legs collapsed under me.

It was done. It was over.

I should have felt peace, but as I looked at her headless body, I only felt revulsion. I had killed with no hesitation. I gagged and jerked away from Edward. I knelt next to him, my stomach racked with dry heaves.

I felt his hands comforting me. I heard his soothing words and leaned into him.

"Bella, you were magnificent."

I closed my eyes. I heard the moans of someone in pain and looked up to see Shireen keening over the severed head of Fatik. She rocked back and forth, and I heaved again.

Emmett stood over her, poised to destroy her if necessary. Would the need for revenge rise up in her now? Would another woman destroyed by the loss of her mate be seeking revenge against me?

I looked up to see the others piling up the pieces of Victoria's army. When Jasper picked up Victoria's head, I stopped him.

"No!" I pulled out of Edward's arms. I wanted to do it, for my father, for Edward, for everyone she had hurt. I needed to finish it. "I'll do it."

I reached for her hair and tossed her remains onto the top of the pile.

It was done.

Jasper struck a match, and the fire flared up in front of me as the burning inside me was cooled.

Edward pulled me close and whispered in my ear. "Let's go home." I nodded and felt my mouth turn up slightly.

Home.

I didn't look at Shireen again. I didn't want to think of her pain. I didn't want to feel any more regret. I only wanted to be close to Edward, to feel his touch, to take in his scent. I needed him close.

We slid into the back seat of Carlisle's car, and he tilted my chin up to his face. I closed my eyes as he whispered into my mouth.

"And now forever."

* * *

><p><strong>Le sigh.<strong>

**Wow! I can't believe this was it! It took a long time to get here, and I thank all who stuck with me these last ten months. I thank you for every review and every recommendation, for every follow and favorite. It was you who spurred me on to write.**

**I will say more a bit later, but I have to thank Jessypt so much for her help and encouragement. She gave me the courage to post this story when I was content to let it sit in my computer. She taught me to cut out the "thats and justs", and even though I still pretty much have no clue, I think I'm better at figuring out where those pesky little commas belong.**

**My husband deserves thanks all well for all the blank stares I give him when my head is dreaming up the plot. **

**I am working on an epilogue now and will be putting that Complete in my summary!**

**I'd love to end this story with 500 reviews (hint hint hint)**

**XOXOXO-**


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